Serendipity (4-6-2012)

This morning I realized I was far behind on my laundry. I didn't have any slacks to wear to work today. I started looking for sweats and track pants or some alternative and all those were dirty too. So I thought, well I can wear shorts or one of two pairs of these brand new dress pants I have. I really didn't want to wear the dress pants but it's way too chilly today for shorts so I went into the dresser drawer where the pants are and saw something I hadn't even thought about in a long time... several pairs of old jeans. I thought, oh wouldn't it be great if I could fit into those again. Then the thought hit me, why not try on a pair and see. I hadn't tried any of them on since last spring and haven't actually worn any of them in over a year. Last time I tried I could barely pull them up my legs and after I did, my stomach had gotten too big to even come close to closing them! So I grab a pair and start to slide them on one leg at a time. While doing this I began to warm up inside because as the first leg went in I thought it felt a bit loose and then when the second went in I became very optimistic. My legs fit into them with room to spare! I grab either side of the zipper and bring them together. They come together easily, naturally with no pulling, no sucking in my belly, no laying flat on anything. They closed with no effort. I smiled and thought, well maybe I can do laundry tomorrow.

Random thoughts (2-13-12)

Here are some random thoughts...

On the Grammys: For the most part I enjoyed the show. For a long time, going back to the mid-90’s I’ve disliked the whole deal but last night for me was pleasant bordering on good. And for the first time in many years I made it through the whole show. Sure there were some strange or awful moments but I stayed with it, actually trusting that something good would be coming up. Many times in the past I’d flip it on and some no talent hack would be winning an award over someone far more talented and then some ridiculously bad musical performance would have me looking for the remote almost as fast as those commercials with the little piggy yelling “weeeeeeeeeee” do. So kudos to them for getting better and I thought LL Cool J did a good job as host. It’s amazing to see how far this man has come in 25 years. I guess the same can be said about Ice T, Ice cube and others who have carved out very successful and diverse careers for themselves. Rap is a young person’s game and it’s not often you see some 40-year old rapper still on top. You have to either reinvent yourself or find a new line of work. These guys did both!


But back to the show…


I thought it was cool that Bon Iver won for Best New Artist (despite this being his 2nd record) and I really enjoyed his humble acceptance speech but speaking of speeches how cool was Dave Grohl's after the Foo Fighters won for an album they made in his garage on an old reel to reel tape? After seeing the Foo Fighters rockumentary “Back and Forth” last week and seeing them rip it up on the Grammys, I’d have to say I might be as big a fan of theirs right now than I ever have.


The Good the Bad and the What? As far as performances go I liked Jennifer Hudson’s Whitney tribute, Bruce Springsteen, Bruno Mars, the Beach Boys salute, Adele, the Glen Campbell tribute, Etta James tribute and the Foos. I didn’t care for Chris Brown’s music although his dancing was very impressive and I also yawned a lot during Katy Perry, Carrie Underwood and Lil Wayne. I also thought the Rihanna/Coldplay combo didn’t really work and Chris Martin’s voice sounded a bit off. The Paul McCartney stuff I wasn’t totally into but that awesome medley at the end with the 6 guitarists was pretty cool. Lastly, I’m still trying to figure out what was going on during that Nikki Minaj exorcist inspired musical segment.


One of my favorite unintentionally funny parts of the show is when the suit from the recording industry or some industry comes out to talk about the good things they do. He talks about music in schools, helping out musicians and lots of things we can all feel good about but then… he also sneaks in the pro-PIPA, pro-SOPA rhetoric. I remember thinking: Suck it suit! The show has been solid thus far, don’t push it! And by the way, isn’t “Grammy” an old fashioned way of saying Grandma? Just sayin. Keep the old folks and suits off the stage during the show. They are boring and we have no sympathy for the recording industry.


I can’t say I’ve been a big Whitney Houston fan for a long time so learning of her passing didn’t affect me the way Michael’s did but I absolutely loved her first 2 records and definitely was a fan of her early career. She had an amazing voice and while I’m not surprised to hear of another celebrity with substance abuse issues passing I am disappointed because I hoped Whitney would find the happiness that her gift gave to so many but apparently she couldn’t give to herself. RIP



On the subject of living I am very excited about my progress with my weight loss. I am just starting to be able to wear things I haven’t been able to wear since the summer and there’s a half-a-closet full of stuff I haven’t been able to wear in longer than that! I go out walking every day. I walk to work, I walk home from home and I do it as briskly as I can. Tonight even though I was under my daily calorie goal, I went out for a late night march of about 25 minutes. My plan is in a few more weeks to start jogging a little too. Right now I can walk pain free and my stamina is improving but I’m hoping for a little less ice and snow on the ground before I start to jog. Even tonight when I went out for my walk I slipped twice on spotty ice out there and the last thing I want to do right now is get hurt slipping on some stupid ice. I keep going day to day, chronicling my calories and trying to make better choices. I learn new things all the time and even though I'm a month in and I’ve made a lot of progress, I realize this journey is just beginning.


I made my first poetry slam performance last week and it was one of the toughest things I’ve ever done. This was the first time I’ve ever jumped onto a stage and read my work with lights on me. I like to be level, either sitting or standing with the audience. I don’t like the idea of being up above them and the lights were intense. I read a brand new piece that I only finished that day and an older one I knew I’d be comfortable with. The new one got better scores than the old one because the language was stronger. At poetry slams people are yelling, jumping, throwing hand gestures out there and being demonstrative. It’s performance poetry. While I’m influenced by slam I am not a textbook slam poet. I read in rhythm and sometimes my pieces are worded like slam but I’m not screaming, pounding my chest, flopping on the floor or putting on as much of a spectacle. I want the audience focused on my words more than my actions… kind of the opposite of how I’d like to be viewed off stage, lol. Out of 9 poets, I finished 7th that night. I didn’t expect to win because I was going up against experienced performance poets but I did learn a lot from the appearance and I will tweak and hone my craft for the next time I read at a slam… and I will read again at a slam. Who knows? Maybe it will be next month’s slam. :)


Silly things that make me excited: I bought a Buffalo Braves DVD. Since the Braves played here in the 70’s it’s basically a VHS recording burned onto a DVD but whatever. In the game on the DVD, Bob McAdoo scores 50 points in a 1975 playoff match against Washington at the old Aud. I just got it in the mail and I haven’t watched it yet. I kinda want to make a big deal out of it. Hell I might watch it on Valentine’s Day to help keep my spirits up which leads me to…


VD. Ah yes, another lonely Valentine’s Day. I would just love to spend the evening on the couch with my lady watching sappy movies and feeling thankful she’s in my life but once again I don’t have one. I do take responsibility for this and I am working on improving myself to the point where I can attract what it is I want which is someone extraordinary. Tomorrow will be tough though. I’ll have to fight the urge to listen to sad bastard music and I might want someone to lock me up in the house and hide my money from me til the 15th. You know, just to make sure I don’t buy any awful things to eat tomorrow evening. It’s a brief but intense depression I feel. I haven’t had a real Valentine on Valentine’s Day for 9 years and even though I’m in good spirits now, all the talk, the commercials, the songs, the news stories, the twitter and facebook posts and all the cutesy stuff that will find it’s way to me tomorrow will make me feel the loss and absence of my very own valentine. Oh, the special things I would do for her on this not really so special day. Let’s face it, VD isn’t a real holiday but it can be as real as you want it to be. For all of you fortunate enough to have a Valentine I hope you have a great day filled with love and joy. For those of you like me without one I say we have a big orgy. Okay, seriously I hope those of you like me can avoid all the crap that could make you feel the negative emotions and hey, if you need to indulge in some sweets to make up for the lack of one, I won’t judge.

Rules for your Super Bowl party (2-1-12)

Going to a Super Bowl party this weekend? Super Bowl parties have become some of the most important social gatherings of the year. These parties have gotten so big that whether you are hosting or going to one, the parties now seem to have an unwritten code of etiquette that many find confusing. Take heart football fans, it's unwritten no longer as right here I've spelled out those rules for you and you can take pride in acting accordingly this Sunday! Without further ado,  I present my Super Bowl Party Rules!

The Super Bowl Party Rules!

First things first. You must get into the mindset that Super Bowl Sunday is a National Holiday. IT IS! These days, many companies allow employees to come in late the next day, or even take the day off, especially in the cities represented in the game. All across America, when someone stumbles in an hour late that next day, bosses tend to be a little more lenient, especially if they are football fans themselves. Super Sunday is a big deal and should be treated as such! Once you accept this realization, these rules and guidelines will not only make sense to you but they will be easy to follow as well. And if you refuse to acknowledge the power of the pigskin… well I wouldn’t want you at my party. 

Now the rules and what you need to know:

-On attire: It is advised but not mandatory that you try to wear something football related whether it’s a t-shirt, hat, jersey, scarf, gloves, face paint or the ever popular zubaz pants. Bonus points to you if you can find more than one accessory! But wait, your favorite team isn't playing in the game... it doesn’t matter! If your team isn't playing in the game, you should represent for them regardless. Its okay to wear a Bills jersey, a Browns hat or a Jaguars ringer tee… this is as close to the big game as these teams get! Remember, we're all FOOTBALL fans no matter who we root for and we cannot lose sight of that on an important day like this. Show your team love and as is the case with other holidays, dressing up makes the day better! Can you imagine not wearing a costume on Halloween? A hideous sweater on Christmas? You would probably dress up for weddings, funerals and formal events and this is no less important!

-On what to bring: You are not actually required to bring anything to consume, provided you've received an invitation, but if you plan to consume large quantities of food and/or drinks, you should be courteous to the other guests and provide things for them to enjoy. This also means no "markup consuming", that is bringing a discount product of small quantity only to consume tons of someone else's high quality goods. Example: Bringing a 40 ounce bottle of Olde English malt liquor and then consuming a 6-pack of Guinness. You know in your hearts of hearts it’s not right and there should be honor among football fans. In addition, you cannot ask to take the unused portion of what you brought with you when you leave. It’s simply not polite. At the end of the party, if the host wants to get rid of some of the food/junk, you should take that opportunity to volunteer and be a “nice person”, otherwise consider ownership of your goods transferred to the host once you walk in the door.  

-On Substances: Every party guest acknowledges when they enter the party, it's like signing an invisible waiver stating that they will have no knowledge of any “alleged” legal or illegal consumption of alcoholic, psychoactive or hallucinogenic items during their stay. What people do to enhance the game or their mood is up to them. As long as none of the party rules are broken, everything is fine.

-On the party’s location: Be respectful of the host’s place. No recreating any plays from the game, tackling, throwing of objects like a football, showing off your “moves” or any other locker room inspired antics. If you need to dance, make sure you can do it in your space. If you need to recreate any action from the game, you must go out to the yard or the nearest available park. After all, the Super Bowl is played on a spacious turf, not in a living room. Treat the place as if it were your own. That also means offering to help with cleanup after the game. Surely you can grab a few dishes and put them in the sink/dishwasher. Think about why you didn’t host… because you didn’t want to have to deal with everything the host is dealing with! SO show compassion for those who have the courage to do what you are afraid to and pitch in. If you do, you’ll be sure to get an invite the following year, if not for the Big Dance, NHL playoffs or any future sporting event worthy of another party.

-On America: Everyone must stand, remove their hats and show respect for America during the National Anthem... even as the flavor of the month "recording artist" or old fossil "vocalist" butchers it.

-On the less fortunate: There are always some people at the Super Bowl party with little to no knowledge of football. Just know I and most knowledgeable attendees are more than happy to help answer any questions or explain any parts of the game that some may not be able to understand or follow but please withhold any appropriate questions until an appropriate time, like a bad commercial, a time out or a break in the action. However, I and even the most helpful of football fans will not answer any questions having to address any player’s martial status, butt or dreamy eyes.

Which leads me to...

-On the game chatter: Absolutely no dialogue can occur during the action other than reactions, instructions and exclamations to said action. This is especially true of the immediate perimeter around the television. Consider it a no-fly zone for irrelevant dialogue. Any parties not fully invested in the game may conduct conversations, face to face or phone to phone, especially the non-football kind in the kitchen or nearest bedroom. If it is to be an angry or loud non-game related conversation, it must be conducted at least 100 yards from any television at the Super Bowl party.

-On the expensive commercials: All commercials will be judged immediately with a quick and simple review ("well, that was just stupid") that must be given before the following commercial has ended... because that one must be judged as well!

-On potential human obstacles: Anyone standing in front of the television for any duration longer than .5 seconds should be pelted with all the food available to be thrown at that time. If they still have not complied then it will be time to introduce them to the sauces, dips and condiments at the party.

-On the halftime show: Since the halftime show features an old musical act that is no longer relevant, the previous rules of dialogue can be ignored and guests can and should talk freely. This would be a wonderful time to load up on food for the second half, get to the restroom and for those with less serious questions to ask them. Keep in mind, if a guest gets up and goes into a room leaving something behind on their seat, the seat should still be considered occupied and for all intents and purposes they are still sitting there and should not lose their place. This is their reward for arriving either early or on time. If the seat is left uncovered or as it was at the beginning of the party, the rules of “finders’ keepers” will apply and in the case of a tie, a friendly arm-wrestling match, coin flip or staring contest shall be used to settle the dispute. In every case, the host may bypass the need for a contest and simply award the seat to whomever they feel deserving of it. 

-On children at the party: No kids are allowed primarily due to the saucy language expressed throughout the game by the serious football fans, drunk people or both. Kids also have a hard time following many of the rules laid out in this big game planner and the only “time outs” at a Super Bowl party happen in the game. Find a sitter.

-On Food: Keep it simple- no tofu, high brow or vegan stuffs unless your entire guest list is comprised of vegans. Let’s be honest though, if have 15 vegans coming over for something, it certainly isn't going to be to watch a football game. In addition, guests should not bring anything incredibly messy that cannot be contained safely on a paper plate. This goes back to the previous rule about respecting the host’s place. The carpet is not a forum for your abstract modern lasagna art.

-On Party etiquette: Despite the fact you are probably eating like a pig from a trough, dressed loosely and comfortably and around many of your friends there are some manners you should attempt to employ at the party for the greater good:  

Double dipping: This should not have to be explained. Think of the famous Seinfeld episode: “That’s like putting your whole mouth right in the dip. Look, from now on, when you take a chip… just take one dip and end it!”

The Passage of gas (burping and farting): Unless your party consists exclusively of very large men with no regard for such things there will be no “sharing” allowed in this manner. Farters should be treated like smokers and sent outside to conduct their dirty business. Belchers do not have to go to the same lengths but should attempt to muffle and certainly should not blow or direct the burp at any other attendees. In the case of an accidental release where a muffle or some type of control is not an option, an apology must be presented immediately and the offender will be placed on immediate party probation, meaning that any further violations will result in the guest losing their seat and having to watch the rest of the game from the outer perimeter of the party. If the offender is already on the outer party perimeter, they should be reminded that they are very close to the door. When dealing with repeat offenders with no regard for human life, they should either be removed from the party altogether or placed securely in a tight closet where they alone will have to endure their insolence.     

Lastly: Under no circumstances is anyone other than the host allowed to change the channel, and even the host MUST have a legitimate reason (i.e. an emergency) for doing so.

So that's it! These are the rules for the big game. If you and your guests follow these simple rules there is no reason why your Super Bowl party won’t be a smashing success!

Willing and Unable (1-2-12)

I was going to post a blog the day after Christmas called “living or dying”. It was about my weight gain and how it’s affected me the last few months, the feelings it has generated and the limitations and handicaps I’ve put on myself. It was about how I need to make real, hard choices and how I need to make them soon. I was going to post that blog but after proofreading it I thought it was too much of a bummer to post and that I'd feel better or differently within a day or two. Unfortunately I don't.

Tonight I was going to read at Caffe Aroma’s open mic poetry night. I was there later than I wanted to be but when I arrived it was around 8:40, about twenty minutes before it was supposed to start. I walked in and looked around. The first thing I always do when I go into a coffee shop is look around for where I will try to sit. As I stood in line my eyes scanned the entire place. There wasn’t anywhere to sit. I mean, there were a few open chairs, but they were open chairs at tables where couples sat, or in very tight places in between two other people. Therein lies the problem. I don’t want to try to do tight spaces. In fact, these days I almost don’t want to leave the house. I stood and scanned back and forth trying to figure out a way. While I scanned I also noticed there were no familiar faces. I mean, there were people there I’ve seen before but no friends. I started thinking about whether I really wanted to read tonight. Ten seconds later I was back on Elmwood Avenue heading home.

I’ve been riding the delicate balance of joy and sadness lately and it seems sadness is winning most of the time. Why? Because no matter what fun I have, no matter what wonderful things I do I always return to the mirror. The mirror doesn’t lie. When I look into the mirror these days I hate what I see. I’m not very good to myself because of that hatred. I pondered why I hate myself so much and why I treat myself so poorly. I hate myself because I am fat. It’s that simple.

Why am I fat? My life is full of catches and excuses. I care about myself most when someone cares for me but no one will come into my life and care for me until I take the time to care about myself. In addition I hate myself because I am fat but eating is one of the few things I like to do (and can do) and probably the only thing I look forward to daily. Basically, I’m single and lonely because I’m fat and I’m fat because I’m single and lonely. I think that just about covers it. 

Part of the reason I walked out of Caffe Aroma tonight is because I kinda didn’t want to be there in the first place. When I saw how full it was and with no friends there yet I guess I used that to finish rationalizing why I wouldn’t perform that night. The deep truth is I don’t want anyone to see me. I don’t want anyone to see me like this and to continue being frank, it’s hard for me to go anywhere or do anything anymore unless someone is with me. When I am with a friend or two or ten I feel stronger, more confident. Perhaps this is where the phrase “strength in numbers” comes from. When I am alone, I constantly want to hide. I’m so lonely but I don’t want anyone to see me… how do I reconcile this? 

The simple fact of the matter is I feel so disgusting that I couldn’t bear to have anyone look at me up there reading tonight. While I want the open mic to grow and there to continue to be many poets and poetry fans in attendance, tonight I was hoping hardly anyone would be there. I love to read but I hate to be seen. That might have a lot to do with why I’ve always been drawn to the non-visual mediums of radio and writing. Tonight I was afraid of people looking at me, afraid of chairs creaking when I sit in them, afraid of having a little more hobble in my walk than I used to and afraid of what people might be thinking about me. I used to think I had serious social anxieties but I’ve learned that these social anxieties I think I have are all in my head, or better yet all in my belly.

Nowadays I look forward to very little. The only thing I feel like I can consistently get excited about each day is lunch or dinner. But this is me at my weakest. I feel like this is a major point in my life. I almost feel like this is a choice between living and dying. Do I want to continue to live like this? It’s almost like I’m slowly killing myself and that’s not something I want. I think I want to do the right thing. I think I want to feel better about myself and my appearance but then why do I keep eating myself into complete seclusion and ill health?

I’ve always been a little chubby but there’s a difference between that and not being able to walk a block without being semi-out of breath and having my back ache. I had a 3-day Christmas weekend and outside of a pleasant breakfast with my good friends Christmas morning it was one of the worst Christmases ever. Those 3 days for the vast majority of them I’d never felt so alone and far away and it’s going to continue to get worse unless I do something about it.

On New Year’s Eve I had such a great time with my friends. It was one of the best New Year’s I’ve ever had. It was probably the best day I’ve had in a month. It was so nice to finally feel good for a change but it lasted only until the next day. That’s when I started to see pictures from the night before and I was face to face with this enormous guy. It was me. While the mirror doesn’t lie it doesn’t always show you the full picture. In the photos I could see myself head to toe and all I kept thinking was how could I let myself get so far out of control? I’m so embarrassed and ashamed. At the same time, I needed to see those photos, despite the short term sadness because just maybe it’s the wake up call I need. Maybe when I feel the need to overeat or have something terrible for me I should look at those pictures. Perhaps the long term benefits are worth the short term pain. Perhaps by the summer when my urges to go out and do things increase I won’t flake out or be afraid to do things. Maybe I won’t have to worry about being “too fat” to go out. Some people are too broke. Others are too tired or too busy to do things. Here I am essentially too fat to live my life to the fullest. This has to change or I might as well start writing my obituary. I know that’s a strong thing to say but all I’m doing is living unhealthy and slowly bringing about my demise. I enjoy life too much for that. There’s still way too much hope inside me to give up. There still an abundance of love I have to share. My story is not done yet but maybe this is the pivotal chapter where things start to change.

I’ve never been comfortable in my own skin. It almost doesn’t seem fair. When I was thin and in great shape I didn’t know who I was or what exactly I wanted. It was like I was great on the outside and undercooked on the inside. All these years later when I better know who I am and have confidence in my abilities I feel like my physical insecurities hold me back like I’m fine on the inside but messed up on the outside. When will I ever have balance? I know it’s on me to make it, to find it, but it’s so hard. For all the ups and downs, falls, triumphs, wrong turns and accomplishments it’s so hard to be on this ride alone. In those moments of weakness I don’t have someone to hold me, to look me in the eyes and recharge my resolve without even saying a word because I know they are there for me. Sometimes I guess I feel like living for myself isn’t enough. I wish I had someone dear to me to live for, to inspire me, to give me strength. I know if I were with someone who loved me I would be in far better shape emotionally and physically. It would also be nice to have someone who loved me since I don’t always love myself. I mean, I could say that I do but my actions show otherwise.

I think I should stop here because I do feel better getting this out and I don’t want to be too redundant. I’m sorry I didn’t stay at Aroma to read tonight but I am compelled to do things like flee when my emotions get the better of me. I don’t know what the future holds. I know where I have to go. I know what I have to do. I know it will be hard. I don’t know if I can do it but I feel like I have no choice. Wish me luck.

Flushed! (11-16-11)

Things at work changed a little when the store recently hired a new manager. Since our department works closely with them, their hirings and firings can affect us. At first I was all for the change. The old manager, while a nice guy, had little leadership abilities. He was lazy and never wanted to try to do anything to improve the store despite having the means to do so. Part of our job since we moved here 18 months ago is to help boost the store with extra merchandise and product but it often seemed like he wanted nothing to do with us and boxes of merchandise that we’d give them more often ended up hidden in a supply room or closet than placed for sale in the racks.  It infuriated me because back when he got the job 2 years earlier, I interviewed for it as well and I spent at least 30 minutes supposedly dazzling the executive vice-president of our company with my passion and ideas for the store. In the end, they decided on continuity and promoted the store assistant manager than bring me over from a different building (we were located elsewhere at the time) and teach me everything from scratch. In the past they did offer me the manager’s job at other stores. I distinctly remember getting offered the opportunity to run the Niagara Falls store a few years back but I turned it down because of the distance and I thought they were going to close that store in a matter of months anyway. As it turned out, it closed less than a year later. This one job however I really wanted and was denied.

Fast forward nearly 2 years later and now our department is in the same building as the store and we are working together with them trying to get sales up in a time when record stores are becoming as hard to find as 8-tracks. Finally the office decided to make a change at manager when it became apparent that sales were going nowhere and the relationship between the store manager and my boss was ice cold at best.

This time I didn’t apply for the position but I never would have gotten the chance to anyway as they brought over an old employee/friend from a closing Borders store to assume the job. My boss still took me aside and gave me a pep talk telling me how valuable I am and yada yada, but I really didn’t care. Truth is I’ve stopped giving my best to this company a few years back. I used to work so hard every day and constantly offer ideas and energy to the cause but as time has worn on this company has eaten away at me. I can and will still give it everything I’ve got when needed but for the most part I work pretty half assed now. I don’t offer ideas any longer because they are pointless over deaf ears. I could go on and on about the antiquated methods, unpleasant or unbalanced people and poor decisions this company has made but lately my venom is only concentrated on one issue.

The new manager is either in his 40’s or 50’s and he works twice as hard as the last guy did so that’s a good thing. At first I really was excited about a real worker coming in to run the store and things have improved from a business standpoint. I’m not sure how I feel about the guy on a personal level though. He appears corny and very phony to me but so do most people these days. It’s the first time I can remember this store not having someone young, hip or both as manager. There is a difference. There’s less slacking but more rules. One of the reasons I still work here is due to the freedom my boss has given me. I know what my job is, what tasks need to get done, how to go about doing it and I can come and go as I please. I work 40 hours a week and if it takes me 4 days or 6 to get there or close to it, so be it. If I want to work 12-8 instead of 9-5, no one says anything. If I want to take a 2 hour lunch/siesta and then just stay a little later or come in on the weekend to make up the time, no problem. It’s hard to put a value on being able to come and go as one pleases but after 8 years and tremendous displays of loyalty and effort, I should be entitled to some perks, especially in lieu of low pay.

2 weeks ago on the weekend there was an incident. From what I understand a person came in who a few employees knew as a bit nutty to begin with. He went into the bathroom and started screaming, kicked the walls and then came out and told an already frightened employee that he was going to kill him and then promptly left. This incident also occurred a few weeks after the theft of hand lotion and soap from the bathroom. The next day when the new manager got wind of the latest incident, the bathrooms were deemed no longer available to customers. An overreaction? Maybe, but I didn’t care that much until I considered that I didn’t have a key to the bathroom. Were the bathrooms completely off limits? We were told that they were not but our internet retail crew in the back would have to get a key from someone up front each time we had to use it. Oh joy! 

My first thought was one of disgust. I don’t want someone knowing every time I had to use the bathroom. I’d rather not discuss it, let alone announce my intentions when I track down the keymaster. To me this amounted to having to get permission to go potty which made me very upset. I remember saying “I’m a grown-ass man who has worked for this company for 8 years; I’m not asking permission to use the bathroom.” The answer was simple; they needed to give me a key. But nothing is simple in this company.

The first excuse was they couldn’t give out any keys because the bathroom key also opened up the door to 2 other rooms. I asked what rooms they were and it turns out one of them is the room I work in and the other is an adjacent room I can walk into at anytime. So basically the key opens up the bathroom and 2 rooms I already have access to. Okay, give me a key.

Next came a compromise: they’d still have a key up front and we would get a key in back that the 4 of us would share. It seemed like a good idea until I thought about who I worked with. First there’s a lady with 3 kids who seems to be sick every other week. Next there’s an artist guy who wears the same clothes every day and I wouldn’t trust to wash his hands and lastly there’s another guy who often gets colds as well as the gout due to his sloppy eating habits. I’m not trying to share a key with this crowd and have to deal with their germs. I don’t trust them and quite frankly they shouldn’t trust me. The whole thing had gone past ridiculous to absurd.

Meanwhile as this arrangement was being discussed a whole week goes by where I was trying VERY hard to not go to the bathroom at work. I always drink 4-5 cups of water from the water cooler each day but now I had to stop drinking anything so I wouldn’t have to go. One night I was there late and I actually went home an hour early because I had to go. Another night I finally broke down and thought, well how bad could it be. I went out and asked for the key. The place stopped. All 3 people there were looking at me as the one assistant manager began to look for his keys. I felt mortified. The key was attached to his personal keychain and he handed it to me and I tentatively took it. I felt bad that I was taking this guy’s keys with me into the bathroom. I washed my hands thoroughly and when I returned the keys a few minutes later I made sure to tell him that. This whole deal has made me very uncomfortable and I feel like the new manager and our company is treating us like children.

It boils down to this: I don’t want to tell you I’m going to the bathroom. I don’t want to have to see someone when I do. I don’t want to talk about it and I don’t want to know about it. I think of a bathroom visit as a very personal and private thing not something to share publicly and draw attention to. If you work for a company full time, you should be able to go to the bathroom without any concern other than worrying about if someone is in there.  

Towards the end of last week and so far during this one I’ve decided to go home for lunch again. I used to do this during the summer and have resumed doing so in the wake of this dilemma. Going home for lunch is awesome and I would love to do it every day but the travel time is about 7-8 minutes each way and I probably like to relax and eat for about 30 minutes making each day’s lunch break at least 45 minutes long. Well, that’s a little longer than the 30 minutes I would take if I stayed into the building so that adds some time I have to make up by staying a little later each night and/or coming in on the weekend. It’s not the end of the world and I really enjoy getting out of the building during lunch but a bigger problem is on the horizon. We are weeks if not days away from seeing regular snowfall and cold temps. For someone who bikes or walks to and from work, taking lunch at home will be a longer break and a lot more effort on my part having to deal with the elements. Something needed to be done.

I again voiced my frustration and displeasure with the situation. Our company deliveryman who has a bathroom key even though he’s hardly ever in the building told me he’d make me a copy. I got a little excited but I tempered that with skepticism. In this company seeing is believing and until I had that key in my hand I wasn’t going to let myself get too excited. The deliveryman came in and out several times today and with each pickup and drop off I became a little bit anxious. Was I about to get my very own bathroom key? Or was I about to be told otherwise? The suspense was killing me.

Finally at the end of the day he came in and only 2 of us remained in the back. He said he talked to the company vice-president and he wants all of us to share 1 key in the back so we don’t have to ask the store up front for theirs. Despite my complaints, despite my discomfort I now have to share a bathroom key with 3 people who I do not trust germ-wise. The deliveryman said that the store manager up front has the extra key and he will find a place to put it back in our area. Why can’t we choose where we want to put our key? I only asked this question in my head because I know better than anyone that asking logical questions is pointless around here.

Shortly after hearing the recent development that took almost 2 weeks to arrive, the manager guy left for the day without placing the key for us. So, do we have to ask him to do it? What the hell? Just give up the key and we’ll put it in a convenient place. Earlier today when one of my co-workers needed to use the bathroom the manager walked him there and unlocked the door for him without handing over his key for even a minute. Bathroom escorts? Is that what we have come to? People who have been here for a few months are acting like people who have been here for years can’t be trusted. I am not a monkey. I will not fling my poo about haphazardly. I won’t do it purposely either (not yet). Pardon the pun and the swearing but this whole thing feels like a shitty thing to do to long time employees who had nothing to do with the incidents at the root of this action.

I feel the lowest level of morale I’ve ever felt working here and maybe that’s why I’m here working late tonight blogging instead of giving my best. I don’t know how much longer I can put up with this stupid company. Soon it may be time where I’ll really have to go.

Area food trucks may be in Limbo as winter approaches... (10-27-11)

Area food trucks may be in limbo as winter approaches…

This past Tuesday the Buffalo Common Council once again opened the floor to the ongoing Food Truck debate and 45 minutes later, the sides were no closer to a badly needed resolution. The council apparently wanted no part of making the hard decisions or helping to bridge the gap for the two groups when they tabled the debate for at least another month. In September the council heard both sides of the argument and ended that public hearing by creating a special panel consisting of 3 people representing the newly formed Food Truck Association and 3 from the side representing the Brick and Mortar restaurants opposed to the potentially free roaming trucks. They were given 30 days to try to reach a middle ground and draft fair legislation that the council could vote on. Needless to say the food trucks would love clarification on where they can and cannot go. The current cautiously restrictive atmosphere with no rules favors the brick and mortars although the fact that they have made such a stink about the trucks shows they are afraid of them and want to nip them before they are numerous and widespread over the area. The council hoped the two sides could come up with something they could simply vote on and sign but I think everyone but the council knew it was not going to be that easy.

The council tried to pass the responsibility to the parties involved to find the answer instead of coming up with one themselves and this has only delayed the process which hurts the food truck side more than the B&Ms. The increasing passion displayed by both parties is making it very difficult for the two sides to work together and compromise their way to fair legislation and recent events suggest it would seem one side is a little more interested in finding that resolution than the other. The food trucks have been on record since day one asking for fair legislation so that they and the brick and mortars could finally know what the rules are and conduct business accordingly. This process began months ago as the elder statesmen of the Buffalo food truck scene, Lloyd Taco Trucks (who have been in service well over a year now) worked last April to draft legislation with North district council member  Joseph Golombek that has basically been forgotten at this point. What do brick and mortars really have to gain by coming to the table and working this thing out? They like how things are now whereby the trucks are limited and cannot move around freely. They want the food trucks on short leashes. The B&Ms have no incentive to want fair legislation. This idea of a panel was doomed from the start and seems like the council’s way of avoiding doing the work and making the tough decisions they would have to make to get this done. So when I heard that the two parties could not reach an agreement after the 30 days I was not surprised.

This is how it works: When the food truck side brings over any ideas the other side screams about how it’s not fair and holds it up without offering any ideas of their own and if by chance they do, they’ll be unreasonable ideas at best, again wasting everyone’s time and insuring nothing will get done making this dynamic eerily similar to the dynamic going on in Washington and in cities all over the country right now. One side wants it fair for all and the other side doesn’t want to give an inch or let anybody join their club. To me this food truck squabble reflects the growing fights in this country between the rich and poor, democrats and republicans and the occupiers camped out in every major city. One group wants to work to fix a problem and the other group won’t take their calls.   

Reports indicate that the good faith discussions went south just days before the Council’s mandated 30 day period were up and broke down into a yelling match between the two sides. All over the country battles are being waged by protectionist factions seeking the status quo and these upstart mobile vendors who just want a fair chance to compete in the marketplace. In some cities great strides are being made and happy consumers are reaping the delicious results while in other places food trucks are forced into being rogue outlaw type vendors despite the public love and demand for them.

It’s well documented all over this country, people WANT food trucks. The food is often times cheaper, fresher, healthier and arguably tastier than their B&M counterparts. Businesses like brick and mortar restaurants who pay large chunks in property taxes and who are subject to fees and regulations they claim the food trucks do not, have the ears of their local politicians. Money talks. But do the food trucks have an unfair advantage over the brick and mortar restaurants? Just because they both serve food, that doesn’t make them easy to compare. In fact, some would tell you that comparing the two is akin to comparing apples and oranges, that is, related but not the same.

Food trucks are mobile and this means they can tap into customer bases all over an area, at least in theory. As for now in Buffalo, the trucks can only appear on private property by invitation or in a designated public location if they obtain the proper permit. Lloyd has maintained a regular home at Main and Mohawk through the use of such a permit. Most of the major pedestrian areas of Buffalo have been closed to the trucks. Any attempt to vend in one of them results in someone calling the police, complaining and asking for action. This happens despite the fact the trucks are not breaking any laws (none exist), they get asked to leave which in the few instances when it has happened, the trucks have complied, again despite not doing anything technically wrong.

Brick and mortars talk about how the food trucks have an unfair advantage. I just don’t see it, especially as the weather turns for the next 5-6 months. Even today on my way in I saw the Whole Hog at Millard Fillmore hospital and there were no lines. People don’t want to stand in the cold for a sizable amount of time with no warm place to sit and eat unless they are lucky enough to work or live next to where the truck is located that day and even then it’s still a matter of wanting to brave the elements to wait for the food. That’s certainly going to discourage a fair amount of people from patronizing the trucks in the winter. These trucks have service windows but not a drive thru one. As a reaction to this, some trucks are informing customers they can call ahead and order but that is still thought of as more work than going through a drive-thru, stopping somewhere warm for fast food or even having lunch delivered. When it gets cold, I say advantage restaurants with their warm seating, restrooms and ability to offer customers more than just a nice meal.

It’s more than a seasonal disadvantage. Since the trucks move around often and use social media and websites to update their status sometimes with only a few hours notice, many people don’t even know when a truck is in the neighborhood or at or near their workplace. Plus there are others who simply can’t get there. Take me for instance as someone who often bikes to work. It’s not easy to go half way across town on a 30 or even 60 minute lunch break to get food. People like me will often frequent places close by due to time and travel restraints. If a truck happens to be close by, that’s great, I have another choice but I can count the number of times a food truck has been near my work on one hand. Yes they can offer fresher, cheaper, healthier and possibly even better tasting options than many restaurants but should that make them that serious a threat? Some people want food truck food for the taste, the cost or the novelty but many people still want to sit and dine and enjoy the comforts of a restaurant. There is room for both, especially in places like Buffalo where any trip out to people watch will quickly and easily demonstrate how much we love to eat.  

This “fight” shouldn’t even be happening. How is this really different from what goes on in America daily? It’s called competition. We see it all the time. Starbucks had no problem moving 2 buildings down from Caffe Aroma on Elmwood several years ago. Where was the proximity rule then? Where was the group of local businesspeople fighting for a local businesses’ right to exist without potential corporate domination? When Jim’s Steakout started serving tacos, where was all the public distain from Elmwood Taco and Sub? I mean, they are right across the street from each other. How could they do such a thing? These B&Ms would have you believe that these trucks are so dangerous to the local economy because they’ll close restaurants. They’ll try to make people afraid of them because they are easy to run and operate and they’ll overrun us all!  If they are so easy to start, why doesn’t every one of these restaurants have a truck of their own already or one on the way? It’s because these trucks are not easy to run or operate. Many of these brash entrepreneurs have gambled a great deal on these trucks. Some have returned home after decades away to pursue a dream. Others have gone out on their own to start their first business. They should not be denied the right to do so because the people who already have seats at the table don’t want any company. This is America where people can start businesses and chase dreams, where competition is king and choice is the consumer’s right.   

Restaurants open right next to other restaurants all the time. It’s a fact of life. To this day the intersection of Delaware and Sheridan features a McDonald’s and a Burger King kitty corner from one another and has for over a decade. Would one prefer that the other wasn’t there, of course but competition and innovation are two cornerstones of the business world. So there’s a new kid in town with better food and prices… tough, suck it up. Do what you did when your nearest competitor opened down or across the street from you. Make your product better, advertise well and win people back with your product and service. This is just one man’s opinion but if ETS or Jim’s had a better burrito or taco than Lloyd Taco Trucks, I would have continued to eat there, however they don’t, it’s not close and I think Lloyd has one of the best burritos in the city, if not the best. I think The Roaming Buffalo has one of the best burgers. I also love the pulled pork, greens and sides at The Whole Hog and R & R BBQ. I go to them because they are better. To use a bit of street slang, I find this whole situation to be player-hating of the highest order. To date, no restaurant has gone out of business because of a food truck but maybe some of them should if they can’t step up their game and keep up with the times. Why can’t any brick and mortar get a food truck of their own? I heard a rumor that The Place on Lexington is doing just that. Good for them. It will expand their business and customer base and they can reach out to people who never heard of them or knew of their whereabouts. It’s smart business.        

The restaurants know that winter is the toughest time of the year for the food trucks, especially in colder climates like this one. This long cold winter with no legislation could potentially cost the Buffalo area a few trucks and possibly more of the aspiring ones who sit on the sidelines waiting to see what the council will do before they dive completely in. With the economy how it is and how it has been in this area for decades, the high taxes, the abnormally high gas prices and living in an economically recessed area like this one which some might say is about 50 years past it’s prime, you would think lawmakers would want to encourage new business and actually I dunno, do their job and make laws that help to raise this area back up again.

As a lifelong Buffaloian I can tell you my love for this city runs deep and despite the lack of jobs and opportunities, I still think of Buffalo as a great place to live. A big part of the reason I do is the quality of life here. For most of us the quality of life is largely broken down into nature, sports and then arts and culture. Right now the sports are doing fine and we’re all better for it… anyone who thinks otherwise need only to check the office mood the morning after a Bills game. But the other side of it, the arts and culture side has been under siege by a hopefully soon to be leaving county executive who doesn’t think arts and culture funding is fiscally responsible and a common council afraid to act and give the people what they want.

At this week’s hearing The Director of Activism and Coalitions for the nationally known Institute for Justice, Christina Walsh flew up here on her own dime to talk to the council about the importance of passing legislation for the trucks and making Buffalo a trendsetter at the lead of the movement. She also set the record straight discussing the misconceptions about food trucks and backed it up with numbers and facts. From what I understand she dazzled those in attendance with facts and logic. I guess that kind of language scared and/or confused the council. At the September public hearing the Food Truck Association presented the council with a petition that had over 5,000 signatures collected in mere days in support of the food trucks. Such passionate support for such a new enterprise can only attest to the growing and continued popularity of these trucks. It’s time to put up or shut up Buffalo. We want them, give them to us!   

Put something together and TRY it. Find out what works and what doesn’t. Draft some short term legislation and let’s find out what’s fair and what isn’t. Let’s see what happens and then we can tweak it to make it better but DO something! The food trucks have been fighting the bureaucracy of the politicians and the stall tactics of the brick and mortars for over a year now with no end in sight. They have petitions, online fans in the thousands and even national advocates for freedom speaking on their behalf. What they don’t have is legislation. This is a critical point in the process. Some of the trucks may not make it through the winter or be forced to relocate to a city more inviting than Buffalo has been so far. Imagine that… a Buffalo rooted food truck thriving in another city because Buffalo didn’t want them! It’s time for the common council to sit down with both sides and get this thing done. The people want long overdue action. Forgive me if I’m not too confident in the council to act but this week’s inaction by putting the issue aside only strengthens the long standing cynical belief among many citizens that City Hall is the place where good ideas go to die. Let’s change that long standing cynicism and transform City Hall from graveyard to the institution we all hoped it could be. Buffalo Common Council the ball is your court. The people have spoken. Get it done!   

On bullying (10-5-11)

My heart is broken to read about the story of Jamey Rodemeyer. It’s all over the local and national news but in case you missed it he was a 14 year old kid who went to Williamsville North High School who killed himself recently due to the deep pain he felt generated by the hate of others. He was bullied since the 5th grade said the reports, which was about at least 4-5 years of hate he suffered until he could no longer endure it. This story and this topic touches me deeply because of the things I went through at exactly the same age Jamey was.

I didn’t have to deal with the same personal issues Jamey did but I had my own. Growing up an interracial kid was often tough. I didn’t know who I was. I’ve touched on it in many of my poems. Was I white? Was I Puerto Rican? I didn’t know many mixed kids. Back then there weren’t many. The white kids would often consider me “dirty” because I was half Hispanic and the Hispanic kids would say things like “you’re not a real Puerto Rican”. Compounding this problem was my inability to speak Spanish which further distanced me from Latin kids. My father never spoke it around me. It’s always something I wished I had asked him about. Because of this most of my friends when I was little were black, white and Native American.

During junior high I got along okay. I was a smart kid but a lazy one. I followed the crowd most of the time and tried really hard to not stick out or be singled out like some of the “nerds” and “geeks”. This lack of effort cost me when it came time for high school. I applied for a good city high school like Hutch Tech but I didn’t make it in. I let my average slip from a 96 in 6th grade to a 78 in 8th grade. I wasn’t trying at all to grow or excel and that was the price I paid to be one of the crowd and be left alone.

Without getting into a “better” high school I had to go to Grover Cleveland High since I lived closest to it. Prior to starting high school my best friend moved to Texas. My other good friend had left a few years earlier to go to California, so there I was, without anyone close and starting life in a whole new world. In Junior high I was in a class with many kids I had known for years, whether we were friends or not. But now, in high school without a friend to follow, without a kliq I knew to emulate I kind of did my own thing. I grew my hair long and wore ripped up jeans and black rock n roll t-shirts. It was the first time in my life where I actually demonstrated any style. Till then, my style was basic jeans and button downs, slacks and polo shirts…all very boring and vanilla. Now I was starting to experiment and I began down the path to figuring out who I was.

Ninth grade was pretty brutal. I was a quiet kid. I didn’t talk to too many people, didn’t make many new friends. The vast majority of Grover was made up of Hispanic and Black kids and they didn’t care for how I looked I guess. To them I looked like a freaky white kid. There were very FEW of those at Grover. I wasn’t allowed to sit with anyone “cool” at lunch. In fact most of the time I sat with the foreign kids who could barely speak any English at all. For several months my lunch neighbors were a pack of kids from Poland and Russia. We never spoke. I tried to move to other tables but was told to get lost all the time, sometimes in a threatening manner. They called me freak, weirdo, queer, Satan worshipper and many other wonderful things. I even tried to befriend the other handful of kids who wore black t-shirts and shredded jeans but they didn’t want anything to do with me either. They wore Megadeth t-shirts and here I was with my Def Leppard one. I wasn’t even cool enough for the outcasts.

By my sophomore year it had gotten so bad that I was absent 60-something times from school. I remember the truant officer advised me to take advantage of my 16th birthday before junior year started and drop out of school. I guess he was sick of having to check up on me. I wasn’t a bad kid. I didn’t ditch school, I simply faked illness A LOT to get out of it and stayed home. In the meantime my studies were at the lowest point they had ever been. I had about a 68 average. I barely passed 10th grade and I didn’t care. I had no interest in going to classes where people would sabotage my desk so it would fall apart when I sat in it. I didn’t want to sit at a lunch table with foreign kids who wouldn’t give me a simple greeting while having peas thrown at me by the cool kids from their cool table. I never bothered anyone, always kept to myself and all I truly wanted was to be left alone. I was cheating myself out of an education as well because coming to school was so hard.

As 10th grade ended I didn’t care about school, had no friends, couldn’t get a female to even look at me and still didn’t have any clue who I was other than a reject. Things looked pretty bleak and I wondered what the next step would be as I had the summer to figure it out. Thankfully two nice things happened over that summer that changed the course of my life and maybe saved me from being pushed into oblivion. The first was that my good friend came back from Texas so then I had someone to pal around with. I decided that maybe I shouldn’t do my own thing anymore. On the one hand I regressed as I cut my hair and started dressing like everyone else again but on the other I didn’t feel so alone and isolated out there which was obviously not something I was ready for yet.

The other good thing that happened was that I grew a few more inches and suddenly I was 6’2” and 180 pounds. I was long and lanky. I was fast and very athletic. My friend who spent 2 years in Texas and who was indoctrinated into their football society suggested we both try out for the Grover High team. I had been playing pick up football and lightpost football in the street since I could remember so I agreed even though I was scared beyond belief.

I went out in the summer, made the team and watched in awe as almost immediately some people began to treat me differently. There I was on the first day of school, no longer a mutant because I was now a jock. It really was just like the movies. I’d walk down the hall and I’d get a “what’s up Gomez” from people who would have made fun of me a year before. I had successfully rehabilitated my image to some but there were others who might have painted me a dumb jock. One of them was this female I was enamored with. She wouldn’t give me the time of day. She was pretty, smart and quite popular. Just being a football player wasn’t enough to get her to say more than a polite hello to me. She had a negative opinion of football players and with good reason; they were among the biggest dicks in the school. I had to turn it up.

I started going to all my classes and I stopped pretending to be sick to get out of going to school. By the end of the first quarter I had become known for being a tough football player and my average shot up from the upper 60’s of sophomore year to the mid 90’s. Many administrative people at school were very impressed. I now would stop in the hall and have conversations with certain teachers. People saw me in a whole new light. I went from weird, quiet kid that never spoke and was never around to always smiling, always pleasant to everyone. I no longer needed to walk the halls with my head down. I came out of my shell and I thought I left the pain and being pushed around behind.

You’ve probably heard this saying in one shape or form: no matter how cool you think you are, there’s always someone cooler. Perhaps you heard it with smart and smarter, or fast and faster. Regardless, there were still the über-cool at school and those people didn’t accept me because I wasn’t cool to begin with so I wasn’t a “pureblood” and there was still the occasional reject kids who didn’t like me for one reason or another, maybe jealousy because I bypassed them. I had a run-in with a few of them in study hall one time during that junior year and it reminded me both how far I had to go and also that I would never get there.

I still remember the moment vividly. I was sitting alone in a half full study hall and I was flipping through the first college brochure I ever had. Because my grades turned around I actually began to consider the next level. I even dressed better as I often wore button down dress shirts and slacks instead of ratty t-shirts and jeans. I got my hair cut and I even brushed it most days. I was on a whole new path and I was letting myself get intoxicated with it. I was flipping through this book filled with information on hundreds of colleges excited at the prospects now in front of me when something very light and long hit my head. It was still there. I reached up and pulled a lollipop stick from my hair. Thankfully, it didn’t stick too much.

Someone ate a sucker and basically threw the stick at me when they were done. Rage swept over me. The rage I felt was nearly as surprising to me as the incident itself. Who would dare throw this in my hair? Don’t they know who I am now? This was the kind of thing that happened to the old me. I looked over and saw a group of four guys in the back corner of the classroom giggling. With the lollipop stick in my hand I sprung up from my desk and made the quickest route to them, throwing aside empty desks in my wake. I stood before all of them and screamed “WHO DID IT!?!”

These kids were Spanish kids who didn’t speak much English. No one really knew who they were as they stuck to their own little groups and remained mostly invisible at school. They took special classes taught in Spanish and didn’t really cross paths with the majority of students except for at lunch, in gym or in a study hall. I had never said a word to one, nor ever did anything to any of these four kids. They were laughing and feeling good about themselves until I stormed over and called their bluff.

The biggest one of the group got up and started making gestures and acting tough. Without hesitating I threw a thrust kick right at his face and just missed him. He was shocked that I wasn’t there to posture and play games like people did in those times where the majority of the fight was mostly talking and getting in someone’s face rather than actual combat. With his friends watching and I already having thrown the first attack he decided to bum rush and tackle me. He charged and ran right into my midsection and nothing happened. I didn’t fall back and he didn’t move me. He was stuck there vulnerable and foolish. With a keen memory of all the bullying, teasing and harassing I dealt with the past 2 years my rage had made me powerful. I was lashing out now for all the times I didn’t, for all the times I couldn’t. I reached down and grabbed the guy and thrust him up over my head and violently onto the floor behind me. I wrapped my arm around his chin and began pulling on a headlock/chokehold which had my opponent helpless. As my grip on his head and neck tightened my conscious mind rebooted and began operating again. I thought, oh this isn’t good. I let my emotions get the better of me in what wasn’t the first and wouldn’t be the last time it would happen. I decided not to elevate this further so I stopped trying to defeat him. I ceased wrenching on his guy’s neck and basically used just enough force to hold him there until teachers and administrators arrived.

It was only a few more seconds and then 2 teachers and an assistant principal ran in. They told me to release him and I did, putting my two hands up into the air in kind of a “you got me” position. My red-faced foe took the opportunity to punch me in the back of the head as I did that. It angered me but his punch had nothing on it, probably because I almost choked him out. I didn’t even turn around. I walked right into the assistant principal’s office and stated what had happened. I didn’t go with any of the typical juvenile behavior, no lying or making up stuff to seem innocent. I just said he threw a lollipop stick in my hair and I wasn’t going to stand for it. The fact that there wasn’t a teacher or anyone in the room probably enabled these kids to do what they did which caused my reaction to it. So the teacher was at fault because he was elsewhere while this occurred and it was also my fault for escalating it. Because of my excellent turnaround scholastically and my sincerity describing the incident I got less punishment than the other kid. I was 16 years old and that was the last fight I’ve ever been in.

On one hand I was proud I stood up for myself but on the other hand I was both embarrassed and frightened by my actions. Many years of being pushed around and made fun of built an impressive and unfortunate amount of rage inside of me. I am confident in any skirmish but quite frankly I’m also afraid of what I could do if I was pushed too far. That said I still carry a lot of pain from throughout my life within. It seeps out occasionally when I cry at a weird time during a movie, like at a particularly happy moment. My emotions come pouring out of me at times, sometimes very easily so I am glad it takes a lot to make me angry.

I had always scribbled. I drew pictures of things, I wrote little stories. But sometime after that fighting incident I began to write poetry and journals. I thought about how angry I was and how I snapped and unleashed all this bottled up pain. I thought maybe if I began to address the things inside that eat away at me I might be able to rid myself of some if not all of it, plus in the process of writing out things I thought it might be a good way to get acquainted and learn more about myself. It isn’t a cure all but I’d say writing has helped me greatly to better understand myself and my actions. It helps me to vent and release when I run into frustrating things in the world so I can move on to the next moment. Writing helped me to survive it all. Many kids talk about “surviving” their childhood, often in jest but I really feel like I survived mine.

So here I am, all grown up and having lived both sides of it. I was shy and uncool. I was a geek, a freak, a mutant and a nerd. I was also a jock, I was chatty, bright and cool. To this day I am all those things. It took me a long time to figure out a person could be. When you’ve been on both sides of the scope I guess it’s easier to see the target and know what it’s like to aim.

To this day I still hate bullying and making someone feel bad because of who they are, who they aren’t, what they have, what they don’t. What would have happened if I didn’t grow big and tall, play sports and improve my grades? Would I have killed myself? Harmed others? Would I have led a rough and tumble life? I’ve always had a big heart but I’ve also always been passionate, fiery and emotional. I often root for the underdog and if a big guy is pushing a little guy around it pisses me off and a lot of times I say something. I have a strong sense of justice and I deeply hate when evil goes unpunished.

Many of those days and nights long ago when bullies pushed me around I never thought about suicide but I often thought of revenge. I always love to see the bad guy get their comeuppance. I’ve always had revenge fantasies and some of my favorite films are revenge films and vigilante films. My unfinished novel “Tableturning” is all about common guys getting sick of being stepped on and doing something about it. All these strong feelings and deeply embedded impulses exist all because some people pushed me around and made me to feel inferior. I was lucky to get out, get away from the abuse but some people aren’t so lucky. Some can’t escape it and it consumes them. Some like Jamey, can only endure so much hate while others feel the need to inflict pain and suffering on others in order to feel right themselves. There’s a saying about tearing down others to pick yourself up. Don’t do it. Look inside yourselves and figure out what’s wrong with YOU not what is wrong with someone else. Don’t inflict your unhappiness on others. The damage you can do may last a lifetime or even worse shorten one.

I hope Jamey Rodemeyer found peace. In many ways I think I’ve found some level of peace with myself to sustain me in this life but I’ve never found complete peace with the world. There’s a lot of evil and hate out there. It’s sad but it’s the truth. I may have to accept it but it doesn’t mean I have to like it. In this moralistic war I try to use love and kindness as my weapons and I’m aware of what good can do but I’m also well aware of my emotions, my limitations and my short comings. I’m aware of what I am capable of if pushed too hard and too far. I hope no one else ever has to find out. RIP Jamey.