My Super Bowl Report (2-6-11)
By Edwin R. Gomez
It’s 6pm and I have my dinner in front of me, a Pepsi and the remote control although I don’t expect to use it much as it’s time for the Super Bowl and that means great football action and 3 million dollar commercials. This will be my running blog. My sprained ankle is feeling well enough to let me sit at the computer for this one.
6:20- The game hasn’t started yet and I finished my dinner. It was a catch 22. I knew the game wouldn’t get started until 6:30ish but I also knew that with a bad ankle you need to make efficient trips around the house and if I went to the kitchen and got the food together around 6:20 I’d stand to miss valuable commercials and festivities. In hindsight I didn’t miss much as Lea Michelle’s version of God Bless America was kinda cheesy to me but hey, I’m not a Glee fan… that is the show she’s on right? Plus Christina Aguilera’s National Anthem didn’t have a good flow to it. We know you can sing Christina; you can tone it down with the American Idol embellishments at the end of every line. You’ve proven you have the chops years ago. It was a good effort on her part but I just found it boring and forced. My favorite part of the pregame stuff was Sam Elliott narrating the intros for each team before they ran on the field. That made me a little misty but I’m not sure if that was due to my love of football or my love of Road House.
6:35- After all the pregame buildup and excitement the Steelers go a quick 3 and out. In fact they didn’t even gain a yard on that series of plays but of course as I write this Green Bay muffs the punt and the excitement level increases even though Green Bay recovered it.
6:40- I was about to comment on how Green Bay gained only 1 yard on their first offensive series but then Aaron Rodgers throws a beautiful pass to Donald Driver for a big 1st First down of the game. It makes sense. If you need to get somewhere, go with a guy named Driver. I’ll be here all game.
6:42- Buffalo note. For those of you who aren’t big football fans but like local guys gone good stories, Green Bay running back James Starks is only 1 year removed from a wonderful career at the University at Buffalo. More than that, he’s from Niagara Falls, NY so he truly is a local guy all around. I’m rooting for him to do well while I root for the Steelers to win but more on than later.
6:46 – Pittsburgh running back Rashard Mendenhall wants it. He wants it so bad he’s running out of his shoes. I love Mendenhall because he was the best running back on my fantasy football team this season. It wasn’t enough to get me the title but I did take 2nd place due in large part to him and Michael Vick.
6:49- Most of the week I heard sports analysts and former players talking about the value of having Super Bowl experience. Big Ben has won it twice and Aaron Rodgers has never been to the big game but so far Big Ben looks more nervous and it shows in his throws as he’s been sailing many of them over his receivers. He may also be a little too pumped up and when that happens with a powerful quarterback, they’ll have a tendency to overthrow.
6:51- I will also comment on commercials throughout this running blog as I’m compiling a list of my favorites and least favorites.
7:00- As I was talking about a little while ago Aaron Rodgers is dialed in as he throws a laser to Jordy Nelson for the 1st touchdown of the game. Big Ben had better get it going and start throwing with more accuracy. You do not want to fall too far behind a team with Green Bay’s pass rush.
7:05 – I knew I’d have many holy crap moments during the game that were not related to the game and I’ve already had two. The first was that Doritos commercial where the guy sucks the Doritos residue off his co-workers’ finger and then off of another co-workers pants when he wipes his Doritos stained hands on them. That made me stop and blink many times. The 2nd was the trailer for Cowboys and Aliens. What the freak is that piece of garbage? It has Harrison Ford and Olivia Wilde too, 2 actors I like but Cowboys and Aliens?
7:07 – Big Ben and the Steelers gamble by trying a bomb despite starting deep in their own territory. The ball was underthrown by 10 yards and it’s now 14-0 Packers after the pick six by Nick Collins. I think the Steelers need to run the ball more. Mendenhall looked good when they ran him earlier. They need to have a sustained drive that leads to points before this gets out of hand.
7:15 - How awesome was that last 2 minutes? Big Ben slips and hurts his knee and he's flexing it in the huddle and looks like he is having difficulty but then on the very next play runs for a huge first down gain which was probably the Steelers best offensive play yet. While he isn't always put in the same category with the Tom Bradys, Peyton Mannings and best in the game due to stats and his unconventional style, he ranks among the league's elite quarterbacks in toughness and guts which isn't something you'll find statistics on. Plus it endears him to the fanbase and makes him a well liked player despite his personal shortcomings and off the field indiscretions.
7:24 - Well it's not 7 points but 3 points and having that sustained drive that showed some life was just about what the doctor ordered. The long drive puts a halt to the growing momentum the Packers were generating and it gives the Steelers defense a chance to regroup on the sideline. Plus it gives the Steelers offense some confidence going forward which is very important. The next step is keeping the Packers in check on their drive and they could be right back in this game.
7:40 – For the record, I’ve never liked the Fox Robot graphic that they have on all their football broadcasts. What does a robot have to do with football?
7:45- After Big Ben's 2nd interception of the game, the Packers are in position to score right before the half and put Pittsburgh in quite the strangehold going into the lockerrooms. As I type this Rodgers throws another laser and it's 21-3. The only good thing about that score if you are rooting for the Steelers is that they scored so fast and left the Steelers a LOT of time to respond. Of course the Steelers haven't been able to find the end zone yet and another field goal just won't do it. Pittsburgh needs seven here!
7:56 – That’s what I’m talking about! Big Ben started to find his old buddy Hines Ward and right down the field they went. With 2 members of the Packers starting secondary injured, the Steelers passing game seemingly becomes very dangerous especially if those 2 guys are out for the duration of the game. With a 32 minute halftime instead of a 15 minute one, that’s plenty of time for sore or mildly injured players to shake it off, take some painkillers, get a shot and jump back into the fray. While I am rooting for the Steelers, I’m also rooting for a close game that goes down to the end. With Pittsburgh doing what they did a moment ago that becomes a little more likely.
8:01- I've heard that Katy Perry song 5 times now during the first 2 hours of the Super Bowl whether it's in commercials, highlight packages or on the stadium PA. That's 3 more times than I had ever heard it in my life prior to 6pm. I'm not thrilled about this.
8:20- Black Eyed Peas with a little help from Usher and Slash, not bad at all although I think the audio coming through could have been better, anyway it sure beats the hell out of watching a 60-something year old 110 pound man in tight jeans strutting and gyrating his pelvis for 15 minutes. I didn’t realize they had so many hits until I recognized every song they did in their Super Bowl medley.
8:30- This is probably a good time to explain why I’m rooting for the Steelers. As the big game approached I didn’t really care who won. On one hand I used to date a Bears fan and the Bears and Packers are bitter rivals so I began to hate the Packers because she did. I know, cute. Even though she’s gone that dislike for the Pack is still in the back of my mind. With Pittsburgh I love their coach, Troy Polamalu, Mendenhall and Pittsburgh is a rust belt city like Buffalo. Unfortunately what Big Ben did in the offseason when he was investigated for sexual assault irked me and although he was not charged, he still served a 4 game suspension from the league under their personal conduct policy which leads me to believe he was involved in a borderline situation at best, which can’t be good. So I didn’t want some near rapist winning either. Now, Ben apologized and promised changes in his life which he’s been good on delivering since then but still. So I couldn’t decide. Then yesterday happened and a beautiful Steelers fan (at least for today) brought me a lovely Steelers cake. Being a guy who loves food and beauty, if a foxy female brings me food I could probably be made to do anything they want. So hear I am rooting for the Black and Yellow. Now that I’ve revealed my weakness… moving on
8:42- I love how the Steelers have not panicked despite being down by 11. They ran the ball heavily like they have plenty of time to chip away at that lead and they do. Now it’s a 4 point game and for the first time since the 1st quarter I feel like it’s anybody’s game.
8:49- Whatever adjustments the Steelers made at halftime are working great as the Packers look overmatched at the moment. There's still a lot of game left so that could change in a blink but the fact of the matter is the Packers led 21-3 and now the Steelers could take the lead with another touchdown. The Steelers need to take advantage of this tidal wave of momentum they've generated and the Packers need a big play to turn the tide. Yeah I plan to use a few more nautical inspired metaphors before the night is through.
9:01- What I didn't like as much about this Steelers drive is that they didn't run the ball much. They went for the haymaker, the big one, instead of continuing what was wildly successful a drive earlier and it cost them as they had to try a very long field goal with a kicker who hasn't made a straight kick all night and nearly missed an extra point earlier in the quarter. The miss gives the Packers the ball back in great field postiion and serves them the opportunity to take back the game on a silver platter. I say if the other team can't stop something you are doing, keep doing it until they can. The Steelers kind of abandoned the run and I think it was a bad decision.
9:08- Okay the Packers didn't make the Steelers pay and had to punt it back to them. My advice: give the ball to Mendenhall!
9:15- Packers coach Mike McCarthy figures they have 3 timeouts and Pittsburgh only has 1 left so why not blow one on a useless challenge that won't go the Packers way. The next 2 minutes while the referee reviews this is potty time! I'll come back and Green Bay will still be punting to the Steelers.
9:24- My give the ball to Mendenhall advice is not looking so good right now after that fumble. In my defense, those 2 guys blew their blocks and allowed him to get destroyed by the defense there. But a man can admit when he is wrong and I was wrong. This is why I’m not an NFL coach… that and my exorbitant salary demands.
9:31- That’s championship football. A team messes up and the other team makes them pay. This drive is where the quality of Aaron Rodgers came through and he’s making his candidacy for the game MVP award. He looked as steady and comfortable as a top surgeon at the operating table. Now Big Ben has to answer or its curtains for the Steel curtain.
9:42- Hines Ward = Mr. Dependable.
9:46- You know how I was talking about championship football a moment ago. Well when one team messes up the other team makes them pay, we’ve covered that. Another aspect of championship football is answering when the other team beats you up and scores. You get right up and score in kind. Pittsburgh came right back and answered the Packers score with one of their own and closed the gap to 3. In the last 5 minutes each team has demonstrated a characteristic of a championship football team, that’s probably why these 2 teams are the champions of their respective conferences. Who will be the champion of the whole league though? This has been a great game so far and the ending is looking like it will be just as great.
10:06- If you are a football fan and the Super Bowl comes down to the last minute, that a great game and this game lived up to the hype. The teams were almost equal and until that last Pittsburgh drive I had no idea who’d win. The bottom line is that the Packers made one or more big plays than the Steelers did and in a closely contested affair, that usually makes the difference. Congrats to Packers fans and my condolences to Steelers fans. At least you’ve won 2 in the last 6 years already.
10:20- My last post will cover the Best and Worst commercials, or at least in my opinion:
The Best:
-Bridgestone: A man avoids hitting a beaver in the middle of the road and then some time later the beaver returns the favor by chopping down a tree in front of the same man’s car making him hit the brakes before running into certain disaster a little further down the road.
-Star Wars car commercial: A Kid dressed as Darth Vader tries to use the force
-House: In a parody of the old Coca Cola Mean Joe Greene commercial, House “canes” a kid.
-NFL commercial featuring classic sitcoms: Very creative spot featuring classic tv characters wearing NFL gear, although Kramer was the only person wearing Bills gear. So the Bills get the crazy racist guy.
-Coke and Pepsi: The cola giants put out entertaining spots where I couldn’t predict what would happen and after each spot I felt thirsty… especially after the Pepsi ones.
The Worst:
-AT & T: Not a new commercial but one I can’t stand where the guy has the most obnoxious laugh I’ve ever heard as he gets the funny video before any of his co-workers in the car.
-Doritos: When co-workers attack! A guy loves Doritos so much he sucks the orange residue off his colleague’s fingers and pants.
-Bud Light: Once again Bud and Bud Light put out the most money and the worst commercials for the worst beer.
-E-Trade: Enough with the E-trade baby. It was funny the first time and that was 8 commercials ago. That baby is played and when the commercials come on I find it’s an excellent time to test the batteries on my remote control.
-Movie Trailers: I saw trailers for some of the worst looking movies during the game. I can’t even remember them all but some were sequels, some were remakes, others adaptations and the few seemingly original ideas I saw looked beyond bad (Cowboys & Aliens).
So there you have it. The Super Bowl through my eyes.
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Wednesday, January 26, 2011
Eddie and the Amazing Single-Colored Trenchcoat (1-26-11)
This story begins on Monday night, January 17th, 2011.
Laundry is an important chore but like many chores you can put it off if something better comes up. That’s one of the great things about being an adult. If you should do laundry but some exciting thing is going on, well, laundry might have to wait a while. If you were a kid and you tried that you might not get dessert! But hey, I’m a big kid and postponing laundry is a common occurrence for me. This is what happened on the day before. Sunday came and went and the fun was had but now Monday arrives with a groan and a chore. I think to myself, well Monday is kind of blah anyway, why not do the laundry right after work?
I hardly ever go out on Monday nights. If I didn’t join a kickball team that played Monday evening games perhaps I never would. The same thing happens each time the calendar hits Monday: I sleep just a little bit late because I stayed up later each night on the weekend and that affected my sleep cycle. I get to work just a little bit later than I’d like to (but thankfully I can show up at any time) and I’m usually just a little bit cranky. I get this way because all the fun is gone and now there’s 5 straight days of work. Yep… I get a case of the Mondays. My time is no longer my own so to speak and it usually takes me until Monday afternoon to mellow out and accept the inevitable and agree to make the most of it.
By the end of the work day on Monday I am exhausted and I can’t wait to get home, throw on the television and put something tasty in my belly. I swear I have less energy on Mondays. Now I had to get my laundry done after getting home and feeling wiped out. I could consider moving it another day and trying to weasel my way out of it by wearing clothes from the depths of drawers and closets that I really don’t like because my favorite stuff is all dirty. I could do that but also being an adult is being responsible and knowing when things have to get done. I had my fun yesterday and now I must pay the price for postponing chores. I knew I’d be tired. I knew I wouldn’t want to lug my growing laundry bag the 7 blocks but I knew that I’d know, so knowing that I knew that I’d still do it anyway… know what I mean?
So I saddled up and tracked down the dryer sheets when my cell rang. It was my friend. He was wondering if I wanted to get some coffee and chat. Well now I had a dilemma. I want to do that but I HAD to do laundry. Thankfully the Laundromat I go to is only a few buildings away from Spot coffee. A fun compromise! My friend agrees and he volunteers to pick me up which I gladly accept.
Strangely my energy level picks up a bit and my mind starts going. I think, well if I have a ride there I should bring more stuff! So I grab a 2nd bag and I fill it with things I wasn’t quite ready to wash yet but could use a good cleaning. I grabbed my sheets, some towels, a jacket, some jacket liners and my black trenchcoat. There’s no way I would have been able to carry 2 full bags of laundry to and from so I’m feeling good about this evening and my energy levels are way up on a Monday… fascinating.
We get there, I drop my clothes in a few washers and we go to Spot to have that coffee. I buy my friend whatever he wants and then I get some weird decaf Latte that looked more interesting to me than the others on the menu. We find a table and sit down. We talk about women. I talk about my lack of them and he talks about some that he’s interested in. The conversation moves around and I find out my friend has quit smoking again that very day! I told him that he’s had a lot of practice quitting so he should do well this time.
After about a half hour sipping and dishing we walk back over so I can transfer my clothes to the dryers. With so many clothes and in addition so many odd items and delicates I actually had to use 7 dryers! We continue our conversation in front of the dryers as it is too cold to go outside onto Elmwood and do it there and Spot was so 10 minutes ago. The topics shift from music to memories to personal philosophies. Since I’m having a conversation with one of my oldest friends, we can talk about nearly anything which I appreciate. While I’m babbling away I do have to keep my attention on 7 dryers as some are set for different amounts of time, different fabrics, etc. Some things are ready, others need more time so I combine things or toss pieces into other dryers that still have more time on them.
As we keep chatting and little by little clothing finds their way from the dryers to my bags I realize that it’s getting late. It’s already after 9 and I can see my friend is winding down and getting a little tired. Instead of convincing him to have another coffee I try to get things done as quickly as I can. He’s not complaining nor would he but I still feel like I should hurry and not take advantage of his generosity. In a few cases I just grabbed a pair of jeans or a sweater that were still a little damp and threw them into my bag figuring that I can just hang them up when I get home and they’ll be dry in no time.
I pack up everything and we leave. I thank my friend for the ride and he thanks me for the conversation and then I head inside and plop my bags of laundry on the floor. I take things out and group them together in piles. Socks will go over here. T-shirts will go over there. Slacks will be folded and placed here. I make sure the wet clothes are hung somewhere to dry immediately and then I go to the kitchen. It was almost 9:30 and I hadn’t even eaten yet! The piles of clothes would have to wait.
After dinner and some light reading it was after 10 and I still had to put clothes away so I did it as quickly and nicely as I could. The fatigue of another Monday was bearing down on me and I had a feeling I wouldn’t be awake much longer. I got cozy in front of the television and spent the rest of my awake time not thinking too much or too hard. One of the last things I remember thinking was that I was thrilled to be sleeping on freshly cleaned sheets.
The next morning I wake up and collect the remaining clothes hanging up around my apartment. Everything is dry but the problem with hanging stuff up to dry is that they become a little stiff. Even folding them feels a little different when they dry this way, but at least they are dry and ready to be put away. As I fold and find places to put them something doesn’t seem right. Do I have everything from last night? It felt like something was missing.
As I was getting ready for work my mind jumped to other thoughts and before I knew it I was sitting at my desk at work when it hit me: where is my black trenchcoat? It’s a thought that would not leave my mind that whole work day. I couldn’t remember if I threw in it either of my bags. I wasn’t even sure if I took it out of the dryer it was in. Could I have been so absent minded? That wasn’t like me. I’m generally quite aware of my surroundings and what I am doing, especially when I am performing a task. Was this my first “senior” moment? Is it a sign of things to come in 20-30 years?
When I left work that evening I was certain I left it in the dryer but I had to stop at home first to double check that I hadn’t put it away and forgotten. After an unsuccessful 5 minute sweep of my apartment I was back on the streets again making my way towards the Laundromat. Normally I’d say it takes 15 minutes to walk there from my place but on this night I made it there in just over 10. When I walked through the first door I felt a wave of comfort come over me because the girl behind the counter was the same one from the night before. She would have found my coat and stored it. They have a lost and found box but it’s small and is primarily for socks and undies. Behind the counter there’s a secret room, shelving, racks and tons of other places where my coat could have been kept overnight.
I forced a quick smile and hello and I get right to it. I describe the coat and even tell her which dryer I left it in. Her face went blank as I was reeling all this off. What does she know? With a confused look she frowned and said that she didn’t have it. She turned around and checked this 7 foot shelf directly behind her. I don’t think she was 5 feet tall so she could hardly reach the top 2 shelves but there was hardly anything on them let alone my coat. Again with a sad face she told me she didn’t have it nor did she see it. I asked her if I could check the dryer it was in. She told me that she checks them at the end of each night and she didn’t see it last night but if I wanted to check for myself I could.
I walked back there hoping beyond hope with my heart but my mind knew what was going to happen. It was just like me to hope for one thing with my heart and know the other was true with my mind. I looked into the empty dryer feeling worse than I had felt in a long time. I looked into the surrounding dryers just in case I forgot which one it was in but all of those were cold, dark and empty as well. I put my gloves back on and dreaded the walk home in the cold. When I made the walk down the adrenaline shooting through me made me 5 minutes faster and 20 degrees warmer. Now on the walk home it took me 20 minutes instead of the 15 and I was freezing throughout.
At least I had closure. Obviously, some person took it out of the dryer and took it with them. That burned me up. I hate injustice and immorality and when it affects me directly I get doubly hateful. Why would someone steal that coat? It wasn’t theirs!
That coat had been with me for a very long time. I think I had it for at least 12 years and maybe as many as 15. From the moment I brought it home it became my favorite coat. Because of how nice it was it wasn’t something I could wear just anywhere so it became something I wore for special occasions and when I wanted to look really nice. That coat was worn for weddings, funerals, dates, job interviews, fancy dinners and who knows what else. It accompanied me to Chicago, Toronto, New York City and other places I visited over the years. I loved that coat but I swear it loved me right back. From the time I bought it all those years ago until now I’ve gradually gained about 60-70 pounds and it’s seemed the coat had grown with me. It never stopped fitting me comfortably. That’s love. When I sat down that night I thought long and hard about all the good times I had with that coat. I felt better for the time being.
After a few days I began to think about a replacement coat. I didn’t need one but I wanted to have a nice coat in my life. Maybe it was a similar dynamic to when a child has a goldfish and it dies and so the parent gets them another goldfish. It wouldn’t be the same at first but maybe in time, I could learn to love the new coat like the old one. I didn’t like the thought of it though. I think when I looked on eBay for a similar coat I was looking as much to see if the bastard who stole mine was trying to sell it as I was looking for a new one to buy.
The weekend hit and I could have done laundry but I chose to do other things. I planned to go Monday night but I worked a long day and was fatigued. Last night was supposed to be the new night but I worked until close to 7 and then I remembered that the Sabres game was on and with the all star break coming up this weekend, it was the last Sabres game until next Friday. I had to watch and root on the fellas. I came to the decision I’d go first thing this morning.
The bag was fuller than it would have been if I had gone on Sunday or Monday but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. I trudged my way through thick, slushy sidewalks that slowed my walk down to about 20 minutes. When I walked through the door the nice older lady was there. She was always friendly and she actually reminded me a little of my mom. She had a similar look and talked a lot like her. Plus she had a daughter either pre teen or early teens who reminds me of my younger sister at that age. As the woman recognized me she did something my mom could often do, she made me feel wonderful inside.
She asked: “Did you leave a long coat here?” It had been 9 days since it happened and I had completely given up on the coat. I couldn’t speak for a few seconds but then I replied “Yes, long black trenchcoat, London Fog, I forgot it in the dryer a week ago but the girl said that it was gone. She said she looked that night and it was gone.” Could it be, was I about to be reunited with it? The woman smiled as she said “I saw it in the dryer the next morning and took it out. I couldn’t put it in the lost and found box because sometimes homeless people come in and steal socks from it and they would have taken it fast.” She told me it was on the top of the shelf behind her. It was that same 7 foot shelf the girl looked on the day I came looking for it. The woman grabbed a bag from the front of the top shelf and then requested my help grabbing my coat from the back of the top shelf. I reached up there and pulled it down and suddenly it was mine again.
I thanked her profusely and she was happy to help. I ran across the street to buy my green tea that I had just run out of and was a secondary mission on my trip to do laundry. Then I returned to the Laundromat and gave her the $12 I had left after the tea and what I would need for the laundry. I told her how much I appreciated it and she was elated that I would give her some cash for her just doing her job. Well we all know that her job doesn’t require saving clothes that knuckleheads forgot to take with them. They have signs all over saying you shouldn’t leave your things unattended. I would have given her more money if I had it on me but I just brought a twenty for laundry and green tea. When I left the Laundromat she was so happy that her good deed was rewarded. I was so happy to be reunited with my old friend. This weekend will bring a few activities to get me out of my house and guess what I’ll be wearing.
Laundry is an important chore but like many chores you can put it off if something better comes up. That’s one of the great things about being an adult. If you should do laundry but some exciting thing is going on, well, laundry might have to wait a while. If you were a kid and you tried that you might not get dessert! But hey, I’m a big kid and postponing laundry is a common occurrence for me. This is what happened on the day before. Sunday came and went and the fun was had but now Monday arrives with a groan and a chore. I think to myself, well Monday is kind of blah anyway, why not do the laundry right after work?
I hardly ever go out on Monday nights. If I didn’t join a kickball team that played Monday evening games perhaps I never would. The same thing happens each time the calendar hits Monday: I sleep just a little bit late because I stayed up later each night on the weekend and that affected my sleep cycle. I get to work just a little bit later than I’d like to (but thankfully I can show up at any time) and I’m usually just a little bit cranky. I get this way because all the fun is gone and now there’s 5 straight days of work. Yep… I get a case of the Mondays. My time is no longer my own so to speak and it usually takes me until Monday afternoon to mellow out and accept the inevitable and agree to make the most of it.
By the end of the work day on Monday I am exhausted and I can’t wait to get home, throw on the television and put something tasty in my belly. I swear I have less energy on Mondays. Now I had to get my laundry done after getting home and feeling wiped out. I could consider moving it another day and trying to weasel my way out of it by wearing clothes from the depths of drawers and closets that I really don’t like because my favorite stuff is all dirty. I could do that but also being an adult is being responsible and knowing when things have to get done. I had my fun yesterday and now I must pay the price for postponing chores. I knew I’d be tired. I knew I wouldn’t want to lug my growing laundry bag the 7 blocks but I knew that I’d know, so knowing that I knew that I’d still do it anyway… know what I mean?
So I saddled up and tracked down the dryer sheets when my cell rang. It was my friend. He was wondering if I wanted to get some coffee and chat. Well now I had a dilemma. I want to do that but I HAD to do laundry. Thankfully the Laundromat I go to is only a few buildings away from Spot coffee. A fun compromise! My friend agrees and he volunteers to pick me up which I gladly accept.
Strangely my energy level picks up a bit and my mind starts going. I think, well if I have a ride there I should bring more stuff! So I grab a 2nd bag and I fill it with things I wasn’t quite ready to wash yet but could use a good cleaning. I grabbed my sheets, some towels, a jacket, some jacket liners and my black trenchcoat. There’s no way I would have been able to carry 2 full bags of laundry to and from so I’m feeling good about this evening and my energy levels are way up on a Monday… fascinating.
We get there, I drop my clothes in a few washers and we go to Spot to have that coffee. I buy my friend whatever he wants and then I get some weird decaf Latte that looked more interesting to me than the others on the menu. We find a table and sit down. We talk about women. I talk about my lack of them and he talks about some that he’s interested in. The conversation moves around and I find out my friend has quit smoking again that very day! I told him that he’s had a lot of practice quitting so he should do well this time.
After about a half hour sipping and dishing we walk back over so I can transfer my clothes to the dryers. With so many clothes and in addition so many odd items and delicates I actually had to use 7 dryers! We continue our conversation in front of the dryers as it is too cold to go outside onto Elmwood and do it there and Spot was so 10 minutes ago. The topics shift from music to memories to personal philosophies. Since I’m having a conversation with one of my oldest friends, we can talk about nearly anything which I appreciate. While I’m babbling away I do have to keep my attention on 7 dryers as some are set for different amounts of time, different fabrics, etc. Some things are ready, others need more time so I combine things or toss pieces into other dryers that still have more time on them.
As we keep chatting and little by little clothing finds their way from the dryers to my bags I realize that it’s getting late. It’s already after 9 and I can see my friend is winding down and getting a little tired. Instead of convincing him to have another coffee I try to get things done as quickly as I can. He’s not complaining nor would he but I still feel like I should hurry and not take advantage of his generosity. In a few cases I just grabbed a pair of jeans or a sweater that were still a little damp and threw them into my bag figuring that I can just hang them up when I get home and they’ll be dry in no time.
I pack up everything and we leave. I thank my friend for the ride and he thanks me for the conversation and then I head inside and plop my bags of laundry on the floor. I take things out and group them together in piles. Socks will go over here. T-shirts will go over there. Slacks will be folded and placed here. I make sure the wet clothes are hung somewhere to dry immediately and then I go to the kitchen. It was almost 9:30 and I hadn’t even eaten yet! The piles of clothes would have to wait.
After dinner and some light reading it was after 10 and I still had to put clothes away so I did it as quickly and nicely as I could. The fatigue of another Monday was bearing down on me and I had a feeling I wouldn’t be awake much longer. I got cozy in front of the television and spent the rest of my awake time not thinking too much or too hard. One of the last things I remember thinking was that I was thrilled to be sleeping on freshly cleaned sheets.
The next morning I wake up and collect the remaining clothes hanging up around my apartment. Everything is dry but the problem with hanging stuff up to dry is that they become a little stiff. Even folding them feels a little different when they dry this way, but at least they are dry and ready to be put away. As I fold and find places to put them something doesn’t seem right. Do I have everything from last night? It felt like something was missing.
As I was getting ready for work my mind jumped to other thoughts and before I knew it I was sitting at my desk at work when it hit me: where is my black trenchcoat? It’s a thought that would not leave my mind that whole work day. I couldn’t remember if I threw in it either of my bags. I wasn’t even sure if I took it out of the dryer it was in. Could I have been so absent minded? That wasn’t like me. I’m generally quite aware of my surroundings and what I am doing, especially when I am performing a task. Was this my first “senior” moment? Is it a sign of things to come in 20-30 years?
When I left work that evening I was certain I left it in the dryer but I had to stop at home first to double check that I hadn’t put it away and forgotten. After an unsuccessful 5 minute sweep of my apartment I was back on the streets again making my way towards the Laundromat. Normally I’d say it takes 15 minutes to walk there from my place but on this night I made it there in just over 10. When I walked through the first door I felt a wave of comfort come over me because the girl behind the counter was the same one from the night before. She would have found my coat and stored it. They have a lost and found box but it’s small and is primarily for socks and undies. Behind the counter there’s a secret room, shelving, racks and tons of other places where my coat could have been kept overnight.
I forced a quick smile and hello and I get right to it. I describe the coat and even tell her which dryer I left it in. Her face went blank as I was reeling all this off. What does she know? With a confused look she frowned and said that she didn’t have it. She turned around and checked this 7 foot shelf directly behind her. I don’t think she was 5 feet tall so she could hardly reach the top 2 shelves but there was hardly anything on them let alone my coat. Again with a sad face she told me she didn’t have it nor did she see it. I asked her if I could check the dryer it was in. She told me that she checks them at the end of each night and she didn’t see it last night but if I wanted to check for myself I could.
I walked back there hoping beyond hope with my heart but my mind knew what was going to happen. It was just like me to hope for one thing with my heart and know the other was true with my mind. I looked into the empty dryer feeling worse than I had felt in a long time. I looked into the surrounding dryers just in case I forgot which one it was in but all of those were cold, dark and empty as well. I put my gloves back on and dreaded the walk home in the cold. When I made the walk down the adrenaline shooting through me made me 5 minutes faster and 20 degrees warmer. Now on the walk home it took me 20 minutes instead of the 15 and I was freezing throughout.
At least I had closure. Obviously, some person took it out of the dryer and took it with them. That burned me up. I hate injustice and immorality and when it affects me directly I get doubly hateful. Why would someone steal that coat? It wasn’t theirs!
That coat had been with me for a very long time. I think I had it for at least 12 years and maybe as many as 15. From the moment I brought it home it became my favorite coat. Because of how nice it was it wasn’t something I could wear just anywhere so it became something I wore for special occasions and when I wanted to look really nice. That coat was worn for weddings, funerals, dates, job interviews, fancy dinners and who knows what else. It accompanied me to Chicago, Toronto, New York City and other places I visited over the years. I loved that coat but I swear it loved me right back. From the time I bought it all those years ago until now I’ve gradually gained about 60-70 pounds and it’s seemed the coat had grown with me. It never stopped fitting me comfortably. That’s love. When I sat down that night I thought long and hard about all the good times I had with that coat. I felt better for the time being.
After a few days I began to think about a replacement coat. I didn’t need one but I wanted to have a nice coat in my life. Maybe it was a similar dynamic to when a child has a goldfish and it dies and so the parent gets them another goldfish. It wouldn’t be the same at first but maybe in time, I could learn to love the new coat like the old one. I didn’t like the thought of it though. I think when I looked on eBay for a similar coat I was looking as much to see if the bastard who stole mine was trying to sell it as I was looking for a new one to buy.
The weekend hit and I could have done laundry but I chose to do other things. I planned to go Monday night but I worked a long day and was fatigued. Last night was supposed to be the new night but I worked until close to 7 and then I remembered that the Sabres game was on and with the all star break coming up this weekend, it was the last Sabres game until next Friday. I had to watch and root on the fellas. I came to the decision I’d go first thing this morning.
The bag was fuller than it would have been if I had gone on Sunday or Monday but it wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. I trudged my way through thick, slushy sidewalks that slowed my walk down to about 20 minutes. When I walked through the door the nice older lady was there. She was always friendly and she actually reminded me a little of my mom. She had a similar look and talked a lot like her. Plus she had a daughter either pre teen or early teens who reminds me of my younger sister at that age. As the woman recognized me she did something my mom could often do, she made me feel wonderful inside.
She asked: “Did you leave a long coat here?” It had been 9 days since it happened and I had completely given up on the coat. I couldn’t speak for a few seconds but then I replied “Yes, long black trenchcoat, London Fog, I forgot it in the dryer a week ago but the girl said that it was gone. She said she looked that night and it was gone.” Could it be, was I about to be reunited with it? The woman smiled as she said “I saw it in the dryer the next morning and took it out. I couldn’t put it in the lost and found box because sometimes homeless people come in and steal socks from it and they would have taken it fast.” She told me it was on the top of the shelf behind her. It was that same 7 foot shelf the girl looked on the day I came looking for it. The woman grabbed a bag from the front of the top shelf and then requested my help grabbing my coat from the back of the top shelf. I reached up there and pulled it down and suddenly it was mine again.
I thanked her profusely and she was happy to help. I ran across the street to buy my green tea that I had just run out of and was a secondary mission on my trip to do laundry. Then I returned to the Laundromat and gave her the $12 I had left after the tea and what I would need for the laundry. I told her how much I appreciated it and she was elated that I would give her some cash for her just doing her job. Well we all know that her job doesn’t require saving clothes that knuckleheads forgot to take with them. They have signs all over saying you shouldn’t leave your things unattended. I would have given her more money if I had it on me but I just brought a twenty for laundry and green tea. When I left the Laundromat she was so happy that her good deed was rewarded. I was so happy to be reunited with my old friend. This weekend will bring a few activities to get me out of my house and guess what I’ll be wearing.
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
Is that all there is? (1-25-11)
I haven’t blogged in forever it seems and this was mostly due to my blog project where I wrote 70-something of them in 70-something days back in the fall. I was blogged out. That was quite an exposure of my thoughts. I guess I felt the need to pull back a bit and stop talking/sharing. Plus I said a lot of things during that time and while I have no doubt I could write a blog everyday or every other day if I had to, I don’t always want to. I had run out of things to say so to speak.
Well now I am back and I plan to blog semi-regularly again. I need to do it because I hate being quiet when there’s a perceived injustice out there and more than that when I go through rough times the best way for me to purge my system of negative thoughts and emotions is to let them out. Blogging has become a necessary release for me and unlike keeping a simple journal, posting my thoughts, opinions and ideas online gives me the occasional chance to get feedback on them, which is sometimes very helpful although admittedly I do have to watch my words as well.
During this week there’s been something gnawing away at me. Actually I think it started last week but I’m really feeling it this week. I don’t know if I just have a nasty case of the winter blues but I am really hating my life lately. I’m terribly bored and I feel like I need some sparks to get to the fires burning inside of me again. That’s part of the reason why I’m writing. I’m trying to be proactive. I’m trying to create some sparks.
Maybe this happens every winter but right now I’m sick and tired of everything. I’m certainly sick of the weather but it’s more than that. I’m sick of the same old food. I’m sick of the same old job. I’m sick of talking to the people at work. I’m sick of my same old clothes. I’m sick of the same old empty apartment. Yeah, that’s the one. I’m very lonely. It’s not a surprise being that I haven’t had a really serious relationship in about 8 years and it’s also not a surprise considering I am an INFJ personality.
“INFJs also need to be wary of becoming overly absorbed in their moods and emotions, tempering their romantic ideals and fantasies with committed action in the outside world. Though self-concern and self-analysis have their place, if comprising the sole focus, INFJs can start to feel isolated, lonely, and disconnected from the sources of meaning and vitality outside themselves.”
I’m trying not to get completely absorbed in my emotions but its difficult because that’s all there is. I go out once or twice a week with friends and I have a good time but those other times I just fixate on my feelings of isolation and loneliness. I think about what I have and then I think about what I don’t. I want to be around people and I don’t want to be around people. I want to do new things and I want to do nothing. It’s frustrating. When I get like this it’s always an external source that pulls me out of my internal lockdown. Sometimes that external source is completely unaware they’ve helped me shake the doldrums. Even I don’t always know when that catalyst pulls me out. Sometimes I find myself in a great mood again and I reflect and think oh, this must have been it.
The point is I need something new. Preferably it would be a lady I could go gaga for, but it could also mean a new hobby, a new friend or perhaps even a drastic change. The loneliness is a bit overwhelming. I mean, I have some cool friends and I always have a good time when we hang out but I want someone who is involved in my life almost daily. You know, someone to exchange emails and calls with on days when we can’t see each other. I want someone to talk about life with, to have dinner with, to laugh with and share everything with. I get little tastes of it with a few of my friends and all it does is make me want it more. I really want to date someone seriously again and I want that person to be my best friend, if not my closest.
It’s the same old same old. I want someone extraordinary and either I can’t find her or if I do she doesn’t want me and then those who do want me don’t interest me because they aren’t what I believe to be extraordinary. I’m always dreaming, always reaching for the brightest star and I can’t do it any other way. My depth of love and caring and giving is deeper than most. I feel like I can give someone tons and all I want is someone who can give to me what I can give to them. I feel like it can be impossible at times like this. So anyway, that would be a change that would turn everything around. I would be able to entertain my daily routine with a smile again or lay the groundwork for a new routine also with a smile.
I love Buffalo. It is my home. Maybe I’m biased but I feel like it is so much more beautiful and vibrant than people think but I’m actually thinking about what life could be like somewhere else. I’ve been banging my head into a wall trying to find some important things for a few decades now and I begin to wonder… will I ever find those things here? Maybe I should try looking for those things somewhere else before it’s too late. I don’t have the same baggage tying me down like I did 5 years ago when my mom and sister were absolutely dependent on me. I’m not one who has talked about leaving before and I’m not one to make a spontaneous move of that magnitude but I’m walking around these days singing “Is That All There Is” to myself and I’m wondering if it’s more than a song.
Well now I am back and I plan to blog semi-regularly again. I need to do it because I hate being quiet when there’s a perceived injustice out there and more than that when I go through rough times the best way for me to purge my system of negative thoughts and emotions is to let them out. Blogging has become a necessary release for me and unlike keeping a simple journal, posting my thoughts, opinions and ideas online gives me the occasional chance to get feedback on them, which is sometimes very helpful although admittedly I do have to watch my words as well.
During this week there’s been something gnawing away at me. Actually I think it started last week but I’m really feeling it this week. I don’t know if I just have a nasty case of the winter blues but I am really hating my life lately. I’m terribly bored and I feel like I need some sparks to get to the fires burning inside of me again. That’s part of the reason why I’m writing. I’m trying to be proactive. I’m trying to create some sparks.
Maybe this happens every winter but right now I’m sick and tired of everything. I’m certainly sick of the weather but it’s more than that. I’m sick of the same old food. I’m sick of the same old job. I’m sick of talking to the people at work. I’m sick of my same old clothes. I’m sick of the same old empty apartment. Yeah, that’s the one. I’m very lonely. It’s not a surprise being that I haven’t had a really serious relationship in about 8 years and it’s also not a surprise considering I am an INFJ personality.
“INFJs also need to be wary of becoming overly absorbed in their moods and emotions, tempering their romantic ideals and fantasies with committed action in the outside world. Though self-concern and self-analysis have their place, if comprising the sole focus, INFJs can start to feel isolated, lonely, and disconnected from the sources of meaning and vitality outside themselves.”
I’m trying not to get completely absorbed in my emotions but its difficult because that’s all there is. I go out once or twice a week with friends and I have a good time but those other times I just fixate on my feelings of isolation and loneliness. I think about what I have and then I think about what I don’t. I want to be around people and I don’t want to be around people. I want to do new things and I want to do nothing. It’s frustrating. When I get like this it’s always an external source that pulls me out of my internal lockdown. Sometimes that external source is completely unaware they’ve helped me shake the doldrums. Even I don’t always know when that catalyst pulls me out. Sometimes I find myself in a great mood again and I reflect and think oh, this must have been it.
The point is I need something new. Preferably it would be a lady I could go gaga for, but it could also mean a new hobby, a new friend or perhaps even a drastic change. The loneliness is a bit overwhelming. I mean, I have some cool friends and I always have a good time when we hang out but I want someone who is involved in my life almost daily. You know, someone to exchange emails and calls with on days when we can’t see each other. I want someone to talk about life with, to have dinner with, to laugh with and share everything with. I get little tastes of it with a few of my friends and all it does is make me want it more. I really want to date someone seriously again and I want that person to be my best friend, if not my closest.
It’s the same old same old. I want someone extraordinary and either I can’t find her or if I do she doesn’t want me and then those who do want me don’t interest me because they aren’t what I believe to be extraordinary. I’m always dreaming, always reaching for the brightest star and I can’t do it any other way. My depth of love and caring and giving is deeper than most. I feel like I can give someone tons and all I want is someone who can give to me what I can give to them. I feel like it can be impossible at times like this. So anyway, that would be a change that would turn everything around. I would be able to entertain my daily routine with a smile again or lay the groundwork for a new routine also with a smile.
I love Buffalo. It is my home. Maybe I’m biased but I feel like it is so much more beautiful and vibrant than people think but I’m actually thinking about what life could be like somewhere else. I’ve been banging my head into a wall trying to find some important things for a few decades now and I begin to wonder… will I ever find those things here? Maybe I should try looking for those things somewhere else before it’s too late. I don’t have the same baggage tying me down like I did 5 years ago when my mom and sister were absolutely dependent on me. I’m not one who has talked about leaving before and I’m not one to make a spontaneous move of that magnitude but I’m walking around these days singing “Is That All There Is” to myself and I’m wondering if it’s more than a song.
Monday, October 25, 2010
Shrimp Encounters of the Dog Kind…
I opened the door and walked out onto Elmwood Avenue carrying my bag of deliciousness. It had been several months since I had sampled Captain Jack’s fine Coconut Shrimp (free plug) and as I wandered up the avenue 20 minutes before with a chatty belly I listened carefully to it. It said coconut shrimp! And who am I to argue? Besides, it had been a long time and as I approached the big red painted fish in the window my gut told me this was the way to please my guts.
I walked into an empty fishery (is that what you’d call it?) save the woman behind the register and a man cooking in the upper back. I grabbed a menu and began to relearn all the tasty treats they offered. Since no one else was around I felt like I should hurry and find something fast so my eyes scanned the menu in a way where I probably eyeballed everything on it but couldn’t tell you one thing that I had read. Well, there was one thing. I saw the words “coconut shrimp” and only those words. The thought made my brain water and my tummy swoon.
Since I didn’t have one I put the menu in my pocket and looked up to the woman behind the counter. She had these big sparkling blue eyes. They reminded me of someone else I know and they also reminded me of the sea although I’d never been to a sea. It’s funny how something could remind you of something you’ve never seen. Regardless, I thought her eyes were apropos for this type of restaurant. I ordered and sat down blinking occasionally but every time I closed my eyes I could see those things fixed upon me waiting for me to say 3 words… coconut shrimp please.
I’m in a bit of a dreamy state today because of this paperback I’m reading and sitting in a chair next to a giant tank full of various fishes while I stared out into the nighttime on Elmwood was perfect. My mind danced around ideas, people, flashes of light and the rhythm of the little guys swimming directly to my right. I wanted to apologize to them for eating their shrimpy cousins. It had me thinking… would I feel comfortable eating a hamburger next to a cow? A ham sandwich next to pig? It was probably a good thing I was taking this home because eating it there might have felt weird.
The nice lady greeted me with a box in a bag and a nice smile. I exited the place with a deep inner smile of my own and as I crossed the street to the other side of Elmwood I noticed my tummy was now quiet. It knew the same as I did, we would be dining on yummy food in a matter of minutes.
As I hit the other side of the street in front of the Poster Art store I slowed down for a few steps while I contemplated my route. I had walked down my street to Elmwood and then walked down it until something tickled my fancy but now I wasn’t so sure I wanted to walk back down Elmwood to return to my street. Elmwood is full of distractions and while the vast majority of the time I love those distractions at a time like this I wanted a quieter, direct route so I headed down Bird towards the parkway.
My mind was shifting gears from “find food“to what to do or watch after dinner. The block was definitely quieter than Elmwood, great for thinking. It was also much darker. I looked up the block and there was a lady walking her 2 dogs and they were awfully large. I was a half block away but they looked like full grown huskies to me. She was walking ahead of them and they both stopped to check out a tree and a bush and I didn’t think she knew she was moving without them. She moved far enough ahead of them that I realized even in the darkness from a good distance away that they were not on leashes. I thought about crossing the street. I love dogs but I’m not sure how I feel about big 50-60 pound ones when I strongly smell of fish and fries.
She didn’t have them on a leash so they were probably friendly, easy going dogs. I thought that until she turned around to see where her dogs were and realized she was about 20 feet past them. She started walking back to them in a leisurely manner until she saw me coming up the block and then she scurried over to the closest one to leash him up. I thought uh-oh. I started to slow my pace. I was only about 10 houses away. She leashed up the first one and while keeping it close to her she made her way to the other one. The leashed one saw me and wanted to say hello and she was struggling to hold him. I switched my bag of food from my left hand to my right hand which would be farther away when I passed them.
As I was only a few feet away it occurred to the woman that she was not going to get the 2nd dog locked down in time so she reached in there and grabbed a fistful of its collar to keep it from advancing. Luckily the only dog who wanted to greet me was the one on the leash that she was struggling to keep still with her left arm. I walked by quickly but calmly. I didn’t think they were dangerous or anything like that but I suspected they would have jumped up on me or something based on her reaction. That wouldn’t even be a bad thing normally but these were very big dogs and I had food I didn’t want to share.
As I was about 10 feet past them I heard her making all kinds of sounds and excited noises. I think now they were both trying to meet me. Maybe they caught a whiff of my food after I passed them. I wanted to turn around and get a visual on what was going on but my tummy began speaking to me again. It said; “don’t look back”. After a few more seconds I could no longer hear the woman behind me. I was walking very briskly and I had opened up enough distance that I believe the dogs didn’t care any longer. Again I thought about taking a look over my shoulder where I could picture this poor woman crouched into a retraining stance trying to keep at least 100 pounds of dog from being rambunctious but again my tummy advised me not to look back. The shrimp encounters of the dog kind were over.
I walked into an empty fishery (is that what you’d call it?) save the woman behind the register and a man cooking in the upper back. I grabbed a menu and began to relearn all the tasty treats they offered. Since no one else was around I felt like I should hurry and find something fast so my eyes scanned the menu in a way where I probably eyeballed everything on it but couldn’t tell you one thing that I had read. Well, there was one thing. I saw the words “coconut shrimp” and only those words. The thought made my brain water and my tummy swoon.
Since I didn’t have one I put the menu in my pocket and looked up to the woman behind the counter. She had these big sparkling blue eyes. They reminded me of someone else I know and they also reminded me of the sea although I’d never been to a sea. It’s funny how something could remind you of something you’ve never seen. Regardless, I thought her eyes were apropos for this type of restaurant. I ordered and sat down blinking occasionally but every time I closed my eyes I could see those things fixed upon me waiting for me to say 3 words… coconut shrimp please.
I’m in a bit of a dreamy state today because of this paperback I’m reading and sitting in a chair next to a giant tank full of various fishes while I stared out into the nighttime on Elmwood was perfect. My mind danced around ideas, people, flashes of light and the rhythm of the little guys swimming directly to my right. I wanted to apologize to them for eating their shrimpy cousins. It had me thinking… would I feel comfortable eating a hamburger next to a cow? A ham sandwich next to pig? It was probably a good thing I was taking this home because eating it there might have felt weird.
The nice lady greeted me with a box in a bag and a nice smile. I exited the place with a deep inner smile of my own and as I crossed the street to the other side of Elmwood I noticed my tummy was now quiet. It knew the same as I did, we would be dining on yummy food in a matter of minutes.
As I hit the other side of the street in front of the Poster Art store I slowed down for a few steps while I contemplated my route. I had walked down my street to Elmwood and then walked down it until something tickled my fancy but now I wasn’t so sure I wanted to walk back down Elmwood to return to my street. Elmwood is full of distractions and while the vast majority of the time I love those distractions at a time like this I wanted a quieter, direct route so I headed down Bird towards the parkway.
My mind was shifting gears from “find food“to what to do or watch after dinner. The block was definitely quieter than Elmwood, great for thinking. It was also much darker. I looked up the block and there was a lady walking her 2 dogs and they were awfully large. I was a half block away but they looked like full grown huskies to me. She was walking ahead of them and they both stopped to check out a tree and a bush and I didn’t think she knew she was moving without them. She moved far enough ahead of them that I realized even in the darkness from a good distance away that they were not on leashes. I thought about crossing the street. I love dogs but I’m not sure how I feel about big 50-60 pound ones when I strongly smell of fish and fries.
She didn’t have them on a leash so they were probably friendly, easy going dogs. I thought that until she turned around to see where her dogs were and realized she was about 20 feet past them. She started walking back to them in a leisurely manner until she saw me coming up the block and then she scurried over to the closest one to leash him up. I thought uh-oh. I started to slow my pace. I was only about 10 houses away. She leashed up the first one and while keeping it close to her she made her way to the other one. The leashed one saw me and wanted to say hello and she was struggling to hold him. I switched my bag of food from my left hand to my right hand which would be farther away when I passed them.
As I was only a few feet away it occurred to the woman that she was not going to get the 2nd dog locked down in time so she reached in there and grabbed a fistful of its collar to keep it from advancing. Luckily the only dog who wanted to greet me was the one on the leash that she was struggling to keep still with her left arm. I walked by quickly but calmly. I didn’t think they were dangerous or anything like that but I suspected they would have jumped up on me or something based on her reaction. That wouldn’t even be a bad thing normally but these were very big dogs and I had food I didn’t want to share.
As I was about 10 feet past them I heard her making all kinds of sounds and excited noises. I think now they were both trying to meet me. Maybe they caught a whiff of my food after I passed them. I wanted to turn around and get a visual on what was going on but my tummy began speaking to me again. It said; “don’t look back”. After a few more seconds I could no longer hear the woman behind me. I was walking very briskly and I had opened up enough distance that I believe the dogs didn’t care any longer. Again I thought about taking a look over my shoulder where I could picture this poor woman crouched into a retraining stance trying to keep at least 100 pounds of dog from being rambunctious but again my tummy advised me not to look back. The shrimp encounters of the dog kind were over.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
completED
caught between two worlds
the gravitational pull of passions
there's no indecision
everything is done on purpose
retreating from time to time
I am what I am
discouraged by the environment
hopeful for no reason
Lost on a familiar path
somewhere between compete and critique
between a snicker and a slap
I've scored too many points to be pointless
I sweat for a few smiles
It’s what I’ve always known
I find joy in what I create
It’s what I’ve had to learn
Consistent surprises
Whether it’s my hands or my feet
Lowered expectations
Or maybe just an afterthought
Tell me I love too much
I reply why don’t you?
It’s hard being everything to everyone
But it’s easy being me
the gravitational pull of passions
there's no indecision
everything is done on purpose
retreating from time to time
I am what I am
discouraged by the environment
hopeful for no reason
Lost on a familiar path
somewhere between compete and critique
between a snicker and a slap
I've scored too many points to be pointless
I sweat for a few smiles
It’s what I’ve always known
I find joy in what I create
It’s what I’ve had to learn
Consistent surprises
Whether it’s my hands or my feet
Lowered expectations
Or maybe just an afterthought
Tell me I love too much
I reply why don’t you?
It’s hard being everything to everyone
But it’s easy being me
Thursday, October 7, 2010
"Luna and Tito" 10-7-10
I stayed at the pizza place with my buddies until the very end of the game. It was painful to watch the team I love look so incredibly bad for the 4th straight week but on the bright side, it was fun sharing some food and laughs with a couple of friends on such a dreary afternoon. Some people talk about loyalty to a fault and with the Buffalo Bills, it certainly feels that way, especially this season.
I left the pizza place and made my way as quick as possible to work. My hours were a little short for the week and thankfully I can come and go as I please which includes the weekends but unfortunately this is flawed as I can only work when the store is open and on Sundays we close at 6pm. I made it there just after four and I was looking to work about two hours so it was going to be close enough.
I sat down at my computer and booted up. I made sure I had whatever I needed for the short time I’d be there and I started to get going but there was something. It was like a chirping type of sound. The first thing I thought was is there a bird in the building? Under normal circumstances when everyone is around, I just throw on some headphones and get to work. One of my co-workers acts like he runs the place and always plays classic rock radio on the laptop he uses. Since everyone else there uses headphones but him I mentioned it a few times and he’d turn it down for a bit but we are less than 20 feet away from each other. He could keep it low and I’d still have to listen to Aerosmith, Bon Jovi and Van Halen all day. Now I like classic rock. I certainly don’t mind listening to it once in a while but I’m a music person. I can’t listen to that stuff EVERY day. I need variety and different styles and genres. I mean for Christ sake this is a record store! Can you imagine if out in the main store we had classic rock blasting all day long? Record stores are supposed to look and sound cool. Now I’m not sure if our store does either that well but at least we don’t pump classic rock or what passes for it over the store speakers.
Because of this, when I’m at work during regular days I have headphones on almost 100% of the time and I am difficult to reach. Thankfully I work on big projects and after many years with the company I know my job pretty cold so I don’t need to be reached most of the time. The volume of my music is directly linked to how loud the Bob Seger is. If he doesn’t get it, I’m not going to waste my breath explaining it to him when I have nice headphones and tons of sweet music on my work computer.
Today was different. No one was in the back but me. There was no need to block out the other people. There was no need to enhance my mood with music. I could hear the music from the store pretty well and I was okay with what they were playing. That’s how I heard the chirping sound. It was faint but remarkable nonetheless. I wondered if there was some bird or bat in the building. I put on some gloves and headed to where I thought the noise was coming from.
The first thing I saw was some mild flooding in the back of the room. With all the rain lately and our leaky roof I wasn’t surprised. Did the water have something to do with it? I heard the sound a few more times but it was still relatively faint. I wandered around the area and while it was stronger than it was when I was at my desk, it still wasn’t quite loud enough to trace.
I went into the dark corridor behind our main room and started to move down into the depths of the building. There it was again! This time is was louder. It sounded like a baby bird. I walked further and could see that the floor back here was also a little flooded to about a half inch. Right as I made my way past the breaker boxes and towards the edge of the puddle the chirping sounds came through again, this time as loud as it could. Whatever it was it was definitely a baby something and it was definitely on the outside of the building against the back wall.
I walked all the way up to the front of the building where our actual record store is and asked the manager guy how I can access the back of the building. He told me to go around the building in one direction and I’d find it. As I went outside I noticed it was raining again and I thought about how much it had been raining and that made me worry about this thing even more.
When I went around the building I was greeted by a 25 foot fence blocking me from getting to the back of the building. While at the fence I stopped and stood still, listening to find out if I could hear it. There it was… another cry out by this poor animal. I started to go back around the other way and after a few minute walk in the pouring rain around this large building I found a path that led me where I wished to go. I walked to where I thought it would be but there was a big problem. There was another large fence, actually a double fence only 2 feet away from the back wall of the building. It was a chain link fence and with all the trees, bushes and brush combined with the rain there was no way anyone was climbing over this thing. It seemed kind of flimsy to boot as if this fence had been there for decades. I put my hands against it and tested it. It was old and flimsy looking for sure but sturdy enough to withstand any pushing or force. I just wouldn’t want to be caught on top of it.
I heard a few more yelps and I pinpointed the spot where I thought it came from. It was a huge window, maybe 8 feet wide and possibly that tall too. The glass that remained was yellowed and impossible to see through. All of the growth and plant life on the ground rose up a few feet concealing it at its base. That’s where the animal was. The window was broken just above ground level and less than 8 inches from the outer edge of the window it was boarded heavily from the inside creating a nice little pocket that was pretty much protected from the elements and seemed like the perfect place to have a nest. Since the crying seemed to stop and the rain was pouring like crazy I began to worry a little less. It had to be a baby bird. There was no way that other animals like mice, squirrels, cats, chipmunks or whatever else could have gotten into such a secluded little spot. A bird must fly in and out of there. It seemed like the most logical choice. I went back inside of my work and for the remainder of the time I was there I didn’t really hear much more crying.
The next day I came into work that morning and heard nothing. I asked other people if they had heard it and no one had or cared but one guy whose work station was close to the back of the building said he heard it that morning. He said it was a bird. I didn’t ask him for evidence on how he came to that conclusion. He’s a bit of a weirdo so I simply figured he was an avid bird watcher or knew some other way because he seemed awful sure. I threw on my headphones and worked without too much concern. I also left early that day because I had kickball and some errands to run although kickball was later cancelled due to rain. I didn’t and couldn’t hear anything more that day.
When I came in on Tuesday morning I could hear the cries once again. It seemed different that morning but no one else said anything about it and with classic rock boy pumping the Tesla, I had to get my headphones on. By lunch time my curiosity was starting to get the better of me. I went to lunch thinking I’d take another look when I got back to the building.
Upon returning after a relaxing and tasty lunch I started talking to the guy who heard it the day before and I mentioned how I thought we should do something so we went to the back and I showed him the spot where the sound was coming from. It was a cloudy day but it wasn’t raining at that moment so there wouldn’t be any competing sounds from nature like raindrops on the leaves and bushes. We would be able to hear the birdie just fine but a strange thing happened when we walked to the double fence right in front of the old window. Whatever was in there sensed the presence of somebody and started to cry out. It was a soft but urgent meow. It was the kind that came from a kitten. My mouth just dropped. I said; “That’s no bird!” Then about a foot to the right of the first meow came another, softer meow. “Holy crap, there’s two kittens in there!”
When I thought it was a bird I was preparing to let nature do what it does. The mama bird could fly in and out of this hard to reach spot and bring food to her babies. But now that it was a pair of kittens, I didn’t know what to do. There was no sign of a mama cat and all I kept asking myself was how in the hell did they get in there?!?
Based on the 15 foot double fence, and the very narrow space between and the building filled with small trees, bushes and who knows what else it simply was not possible for someone to have “put” them there. What must have happened was a mama cat, maybe a stray or street cat must have found that little nest spot, out of sight and away from the rain to give birth. The problem was; where was she? More than that, how could we get them out? With the drop from ground level through that broken window and down about 1-2 feet to the interior window sill that we couldn’t even see, there was no way the little kitties could climb out.
I start thinking out loud while my co-worker starts to pace a little. He was so sure it was a bird that he almost convinced me. I start blurting out things we know, “okay well they’ve been here for at least 3 days now” The other guy looks a little bit concerned, he seems to care a little. He corrects me; “Actually I heard them most of last week.” No wait he doesn’t really care at all. I scream; “You’ve heard them for a week!?!”
With that news my concern magnified. They’ve been out there cold, hungry and crying for a week! They are lucky to be alive. I’m not liking my co-worker much at this time but what’s done is done… the time is now and it is of the essence. I blurt out “We have to do something”. My co-worker agrees as I think my concern rubbed out some of his indifference. We look at the fence and the surrounding area trying to find a way in. As we are looking around it starts to rain again. After a few minutes we conclude the only way to get to them is if we were able to cut through the fence. Unfortunately there’s no way we can do that so we go back inside to see about reaching them from in there.
As we find the spot where they are crying from we realize that this isn’t good either. The other side of the window was boarded up so long ago and there are layers and layers of solid wood blocking us from reaching them. To make matters worse, the breaker boxes and many electrical wires are basically right in the spot where we’d have to get through. It didn’t look promising but we still had to try.
We looked around for tools and all we really had was a hammer and a screwdriver. We tried to take apart the boards that were placed in front of that old window. They were hammered in with what seemed like a thousand nails. We got up on a small step ladder and we were pulling them out one by one to see if could remove the board or at least open it up enough to grab the kitties. The kittens could sense someone was near again and their cries became more passionate and frequent. As I tried to pull a nail from the wall, I was standing on the very top of the step ladder since this one was very high and their cries had my eyes tearing up as I pulled as hard as I could. My balance on the ladder was iffy at best and I thought about retreating but the cries were incredibly motivating. Those little kittens had so much courage so why couldn’t I?
After getting out many nails we discovered that the board would only move so much and then there was another, thicker board underneath that! Plus the electrical wiring and breaker boxes were really starting to come into play. It was obvious that we could not, with the tools we had; get through to the other side. It was obvious from the very beginning I guess but we still spent 20-25 minutes trying. Surely it was my stubbornness but I felt compelled to try even though the odds were terrible.
When we walked back into the main work area I thought the next best thing to do was to call the SPCA and animal control. I was hoping that they could do something to save these kittens. My boss wasn’t too thrilled we were using valuable work time to try to save these kittens. She said, if they’ve been there a week already it’s too late for them, plus they’d probably want us to pay for all the help they’d need. Wow. Money was the last thing on my mind at a time like this. She wasn’t happy that we or especially I was spending so much time trying to save them but she understood I couldn’t be deterred. I grabbed my cell phone and began calling around for help.
The SPCA animal rescue and the animal control place I called both told me the same thing, there were property issues since these kittens were trapped and the property would have to be altered to save them. They would not do anything that would open them up to a lawsuit. Plus, neither had the tools needed to free them. The consensus was that it was very bad luck this occurred and they really wished they could do something. They wanted me to call them back if I could free them and they’d be happy to pick them up and do what they could for them.
I was back to where I was and I didn’t know what to do. It was nearing 5pm and everyone at work was getting ready to go home with an “oh well” attitude. Our store was actually open to 8pm and at that moment I decided I would stay as long as possible to do something to help them. I walked to the back of the building where the spot they could be heard best was. I asked them to hold on and I told them I was going to keep trying. Their cries were getting weaker and sounded even more desperate to me if they could. Maybe it was my own desperation playing a role in that.
I walked all over the building looking for anything I could find and then I tried it on the wood. I went back outside in the rain and looked again at where they were hoping to find a way in. There was no way in… not unless you were a rodent or a cat yourself. I went back into the building and by now it was after 5 and everyone had left for the day. Despite that I ran into someone else who works in the building who hadn’t heard about the kittens yet. I told him and he went with me to the back of the building so he could see or hear for himself. There was no sound. I mentioned to him that sometimes they get quiet but once they know someone is around they’ll starting meowing like crazy. I tapped the wood. Again there was nothing. I tapped it harder and repeatedly but to no avail. The kittens went quiet. This man and I looked at each other. We knew what that meant without saying it.
I suppose this type of thing happens everywhere all the time. It happens in every city, town, country and neighborhood. Just because it does and I know it happens even more than I can imagine it doesn’t make it any easier to take when it happens and I bear witness to it. I did stay at work until close that night and I did keep trying to get to them pounding the fence and trying to break through it. I tried to get them to respond but this one was bigger than me. I learned a lesson that night that sometimes despite our own best efforts, you can’t save everyone. It’s not a pleasant lesson.
At the end of the day I went back to the spot outside where you were only a few feet away from them. I was never able to see them but their cries will live forever in my mind. I was standing where only a few hours before these two brave little kittens cried out for help that would never come. I felt a measure of guilt that I couldn’t get them out. I felt guilt for not noticing them sooner than I did. I felt anger at the people at work who were indifferent to their plight. I also felt disbelief. I still wondered how in the hell they got there. They had no use for a name but before I went home I named them Luna and Tito. It made me smile and quite frankly I could have used one at that moment. Then after a few quiet minutes I said: “Goodbye Luna, goodbye Tito.” and I left to go home.
I kept wiping away tears on my way back because I couldn’t stop the emotions from flowing uncontrollably. There was nothing more I could do than come home to a cold empty apartment, flip on the television, wait for tomorrow and hope it’s better. Unlike Luna and Tito, at least I get a tomorrow.
I left the pizza place and made my way as quick as possible to work. My hours were a little short for the week and thankfully I can come and go as I please which includes the weekends but unfortunately this is flawed as I can only work when the store is open and on Sundays we close at 6pm. I made it there just after four and I was looking to work about two hours so it was going to be close enough.
I sat down at my computer and booted up. I made sure I had whatever I needed for the short time I’d be there and I started to get going but there was something. It was like a chirping type of sound. The first thing I thought was is there a bird in the building? Under normal circumstances when everyone is around, I just throw on some headphones and get to work. One of my co-workers acts like he runs the place and always plays classic rock radio on the laptop he uses. Since everyone else there uses headphones but him I mentioned it a few times and he’d turn it down for a bit but we are less than 20 feet away from each other. He could keep it low and I’d still have to listen to Aerosmith, Bon Jovi and Van Halen all day. Now I like classic rock. I certainly don’t mind listening to it once in a while but I’m a music person. I can’t listen to that stuff EVERY day. I need variety and different styles and genres. I mean for Christ sake this is a record store! Can you imagine if out in the main store we had classic rock blasting all day long? Record stores are supposed to look and sound cool. Now I’m not sure if our store does either that well but at least we don’t pump classic rock or what passes for it over the store speakers.
Because of this, when I’m at work during regular days I have headphones on almost 100% of the time and I am difficult to reach. Thankfully I work on big projects and after many years with the company I know my job pretty cold so I don’t need to be reached most of the time. The volume of my music is directly linked to how loud the Bob Seger is. If he doesn’t get it, I’m not going to waste my breath explaining it to him when I have nice headphones and tons of sweet music on my work computer.
Today was different. No one was in the back but me. There was no need to block out the other people. There was no need to enhance my mood with music. I could hear the music from the store pretty well and I was okay with what they were playing. That’s how I heard the chirping sound. It was faint but remarkable nonetheless. I wondered if there was some bird or bat in the building. I put on some gloves and headed to where I thought the noise was coming from.
The first thing I saw was some mild flooding in the back of the room. With all the rain lately and our leaky roof I wasn’t surprised. Did the water have something to do with it? I heard the sound a few more times but it was still relatively faint. I wandered around the area and while it was stronger than it was when I was at my desk, it still wasn’t quite loud enough to trace.
I went into the dark corridor behind our main room and started to move down into the depths of the building. There it was again! This time is was louder. It sounded like a baby bird. I walked further and could see that the floor back here was also a little flooded to about a half inch. Right as I made my way past the breaker boxes and towards the edge of the puddle the chirping sounds came through again, this time as loud as it could. Whatever it was it was definitely a baby something and it was definitely on the outside of the building against the back wall.
I walked all the way up to the front of the building where our actual record store is and asked the manager guy how I can access the back of the building. He told me to go around the building in one direction and I’d find it. As I went outside I noticed it was raining again and I thought about how much it had been raining and that made me worry about this thing even more.
When I went around the building I was greeted by a 25 foot fence blocking me from getting to the back of the building. While at the fence I stopped and stood still, listening to find out if I could hear it. There it was… another cry out by this poor animal. I started to go back around the other way and after a few minute walk in the pouring rain around this large building I found a path that led me where I wished to go. I walked to where I thought it would be but there was a big problem. There was another large fence, actually a double fence only 2 feet away from the back wall of the building. It was a chain link fence and with all the trees, bushes and brush combined with the rain there was no way anyone was climbing over this thing. It seemed kind of flimsy to boot as if this fence had been there for decades. I put my hands against it and tested it. It was old and flimsy looking for sure but sturdy enough to withstand any pushing or force. I just wouldn’t want to be caught on top of it.
I heard a few more yelps and I pinpointed the spot where I thought it came from. It was a huge window, maybe 8 feet wide and possibly that tall too. The glass that remained was yellowed and impossible to see through. All of the growth and plant life on the ground rose up a few feet concealing it at its base. That’s where the animal was. The window was broken just above ground level and less than 8 inches from the outer edge of the window it was boarded heavily from the inside creating a nice little pocket that was pretty much protected from the elements and seemed like the perfect place to have a nest. Since the crying seemed to stop and the rain was pouring like crazy I began to worry a little less. It had to be a baby bird. There was no way that other animals like mice, squirrels, cats, chipmunks or whatever else could have gotten into such a secluded little spot. A bird must fly in and out of there. It seemed like the most logical choice. I went back inside of my work and for the remainder of the time I was there I didn’t really hear much more crying.
The next day I came into work that morning and heard nothing. I asked other people if they had heard it and no one had or cared but one guy whose work station was close to the back of the building said he heard it that morning. He said it was a bird. I didn’t ask him for evidence on how he came to that conclusion. He’s a bit of a weirdo so I simply figured he was an avid bird watcher or knew some other way because he seemed awful sure. I threw on my headphones and worked without too much concern. I also left early that day because I had kickball and some errands to run although kickball was later cancelled due to rain. I didn’t and couldn’t hear anything more that day.
When I came in on Tuesday morning I could hear the cries once again. It seemed different that morning but no one else said anything about it and with classic rock boy pumping the Tesla, I had to get my headphones on. By lunch time my curiosity was starting to get the better of me. I went to lunch thinking I’d take another look when I got back to the building.
Upon returning after a relaxing and tasty lunch I started talking to the guy who heard it the day before and I mentioned how I thought we should do something so we went to the back and I showed him the spot where the sound was coming from. It was a cloudy day but it wasn’t raining at that moment so there wouldn’t be any competing sounds from nature like raindrops on the leaves and bushes. We would be able to hear the birdie just fine but a strange thing happened when we walked to the double fence right in front of the old window. Whatever was in there sensed the presence of somebody and started to cry out. It was a soft but urgent meow. It was the kind that came from a kitten. My mouth just dropped. I said; “That’s no bird!” Then about a foot to the right of the first meow came another, softer meow. “Holy crap, there’s two kittens in there!”
When I thought it was a bird I was preparing to let nature do what it does. The mama bird could fly in and out of this hard to reach spot and bring food to her babies. But now that it was a pair of kittens, I didn’t know what to do. There was no sign of a mama cat and all I kept asking myself was how in the hell did they get in there?!?
Based on the 15 foot double fence, and the very narrow space between and the building filled with small trees, bushes and who knows what else it simply was not possible for someone to have “put” them there. What must have happened was a mama cat, maybe a stray or street cat must have found that little nest spot, out of sight and away from the rain to give birth. The problem was; where was she? More than that, how could we get them out? With the drop from ground level through that broken window and down about 1-2 feet to the interior window sill that we couldn’t even see, there was no way the little kitties could climb out.
I start thinking out loud while my co-worker starts to pace a little. He was so sure it was a bird that he almost convinced me. I start blurting out things we know, “okay well they’ve been here for at least 3 days now” The other guy looks a little bit concerned, he seems to care a little. He corrects me; “Actually I heard them most of last week.” No wait he doesn’t really care at all. I scream; “You’ve heard them for a week!?!”
With that news my concern magnified. They’ve been out there cold, hungry and crying for a week! They are lucky to be alive. I’m not liking my co-worker much at this time but what’s done is done… the time is now and it is of the essence. I blurt out “We have to do something”. My co-worker agrees as I think my concern rubbed out some of his indifference. We look at the fence and the surrounding area trying to find a way in. As we are looking around it starts to rain again. After a few minutes we conclude the only way to get to them is if we were able to cut through the fence. Unfortunately there’s no way we can do that so we go back inside to see about reaching them from in there.
As we find the spot where they are crying from we realize that this isn’t good either. The other side of the window was boarded up so long ago and there are layers and layers of solid wood blocking us from reaching them. To make matters worse, the breaker boxes and many electrical wires are basically right in the spot where we’d have to get through. It didn’t look promising but we still had to try.
We looked around for tools and all we really had was a hammer and a screwdriver. We tried to take apart the boards that were placed in front of that old window. They were hammered in with what seemed like a thousand nails. We got up on a small step ladder and we were pulling them out one by one to see if could remove the board or at least open it up enough to grab the kitties. The kittens could sense someone was near again and their cries became more passionate and frequent. As I tried to pull a nail from the wall, I was standing on the very top of the step ladder since this one was very high and their cries had my eyes tearing up as I pulled as hard as I could. My balance on the ladder was iffy at best and I thought about retreating but the cries were incredibly motivating. Those little kittens had so much courage so why couldn’t I?
After getting out many nails we discovered that the board would only move so much and then there was another, thicker board underneath that! Plus the electrical wiring and breaker boxes were really starting to come into play. It was obvious that we could not, with the tools we had; get through to the other side. It was obvious from the very beginning I guess but we still spent 20-25 minutes trying. Surely it was my stubbornness but I felt compelled to try even though the odds were terrible.
When we walked back into the main work area I thought the next best thing to do was to call the SPCA and animal control. I was hoping that they could do something to save these kittens. My boss wasn’t too thrilled we were using valuable work time to try to save these kittens. She said, if they’ve been there a week already it’s too late for them, plus they’d probably want us to pay for all the help they’d need. Wow. Money was the last thing on my mind at a time like this. She wasn’t happy that we or especially I was spending so much time trying to save them but she understood I couldn’t be deterred. I grabbed my cell phone and began calling around for help.
The SPCA animal rescue and the animal control place I called both told me the same thing, there were property issues since these kittens were trapped and the property would have to be altered to save them. They would not do anything that would open them up to a lawsuit. Plus, neither had the tools needed to free them. The consensus was that it was very bad luck this occurred and they really wished they could do something. They wanted me to call them back if I could free them and they’d be happy to pick them up and do what they could for them.
I was back to where I was and I didn’t know what to do. It was nearing 5pm and everyone at work was getting ready to go home with an “oh well” attitude. Our store was actually open to 8pm and at that moment I decided I would stay as long as possible to do something to help them. I walked to the back of the building where the spot they could be heard best was. I asked them to hold on and I told them I was going to keep trying. Their cries were getting weaker and sounded even more desperate to me if they could. Maybe it was my own desperation playing a role in that.
I walked all over the building looking for anything I could find and then I tried it on the wood. I went back outside in the rain and looked again at where they were hoping to find a way in. There was no way in… not unless you were a rodent or a cat yourself. I went back into the building and by now it was after 5 and everyone had left for the day. Despite that I ran into someone else who works in the building who hadn’t heard about the kittens yet. I told him and he went with me to the back of the building so he could see or hear for himself. There was no sound. I mentioned to him that sometimes they get quiet but once they know someone is around they’ll starting meowing like crazy. I tapped the wood. Again there was nothing. I tapped it harder and repeatedly but to no avail. The kittens went quiet. This man and I looked at each other. We knew what that meant without saying it.
I suppose this type of thing happens everywhere all the time. It happens in every city, town, country and neighborhood. Just because it does and I know it happens even more than I can imagine it doesn’t make it any easier to take when it happens and I bear witness to it. I did stay at work until close that night and I did keep trying to get to them pounding the fence and trying to break through it. I tried to get them to respond but this one was bigger than me. I learned a lesson that night that sometimes despite our own best efforts, you can’t save everyone. It’s not a pleasant lesson.
At the end of the day I went back to the spot outside where you were only a few feet away from them. I was never able to see them but their cries will live forever in my mind. I was standing where only a few hours before these two brave little kittens cried out for help that would never come. I felt a measure of guilt that I couldn’t get them out. I felt guilt for not noticing them sooner than I did. I felt anger at the people at work who were indifferent to their plight. I also felt disbelief. I still wondered how in the hell they got there. They had no use for a name but before I went home I named them Luna and Tito. It made me smile and quite frankly I could have used one at that moment. Then after a few quiet minutes I said: “Goodbye Luna, goodbye Tito.” and I left to go home.
I kept wiping away tears on my way back because I couldn’t stop the emotions from flowing uncontrollably. There was nothing more I could do than come home to a cold empty apartment, flip on the television, wait for tomorrow and hope it’s better. Unlike Luna and Tito, at least I get a tomorrow.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
100 Blogs: (#71) "Fin"
I’m wrapping up my blog project 29 entries short. Since it’s a project I created, I can do what I want and while ideally I would have liked to have finished it, especially when I think about how I felt about it 2 months ago, I just don’t care about it any longer. Rather than mail it in for the next 29 entries I thought it’s best to end it.
I’m going through a rough period and while you’d think it was an ideal time to write, I’m feeling very distant from everything and I want to withdraw and keep many things to myself. Plus I realize my emotional state lately is up and down. When I go through a low I don’t want to do things to make me miserable and forcing me to write when I feel like garbage probably wouldn’t help.
With my parent’s birthdays a few days ago, a lot of emotion was stirred up inside me and I feel so lonely, so hopeless and invisible. I feel like I matter to no one. I feel like no one cares. I feel like I could disappear and nothing would change. I know that isn’t true, but sometimes I get this way. I begin to feel alone and isolated and I hide from everyone but my closest friends for a bit and I think about life until I get a sign. It never lasts and something always snaps me out of it because I love life and too many little things out there to not re-engage but for now I feel down. It was a good run. I’ve been pretty happy for most of this year and I made it a long way on this blog project. I have no regrets.
My blogs will go back to being periodical or when I have something to say. For now I don’t want to say anything or talk to anyone. I want to thank everyone who read the blogs and those who commented on this site or the other. It really means a lot to me. I hope some of my thoughts and ideas were entertaining. I learned a lot from the writing project and who knows, maybe one day I’ll try it again.
I’m going through a rough period and while you’d think it was an ideal time to write, I’m feeling very distant from everything and I want to withdraw and keep many things to myself. Plus I realize my emotional state lately is up and down. When I go through a low I don’t want to do things to make me miserable and forcing me to write when I feel like garbage probably wouldn’t help.
With my parent’s birthdays a few days ago, a lot of emotion was stirred up inside me and I feel so lonely, so hopeless and invisible. I feel like I matter to no one. I feel like no one cares. I feel like I could disappear and nothing would change. I know that isn’t true, but sometimes I get this way. I begin to feel alone and isolated and I hide from everyone but my closest friends for a bit and I think about life until I get a sign. It never lasts and something always snaps me out of it because I love life and too many little things out there to not re-engage but for now I feel down. It was a good run. I’ve been pretty happy for most of this year and I made it a long way on this blog project. I have no regrets.
My blogs will go back to being periodical or when I have something to say. For now I don’t want to say anything or talk to anyone. I want to thank everyone who read the blogs and those who commented on this site or the other. It really means a lot to me. I hope some of my thoughts and ideas were entertaining. I learned a lot from the writing project and who knows, maybe one day I’ll try it again.
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