Year after year Valentine’s Day comes and I pretend not to notice. If someone asks me about it I play it cool. I don’t mention the types of things I’ll really be doing. I don’t mention all the rationalizing I‘ll do so that I can convince myself of several things. By the end of the day I’ll convince myself that being single is ideal. I’ll convince myself that eating a box of candy or some other fried, fatty or sweet abomination is perfectly acceptable because it’s a holiday. I’ll convince myself that next Valentine’s Day will be different and I’ll believe it all. At least I will believe for a little while… usually until the 15th.
As it turns out if I look back at the last 10 Valentine’s Days I’ve only had a real honest to goodness Valentine for 1 of them. That’s not a good percentage. Today I mostly managed to avoid the chocolate. I did sample a little cake this morning at brunch, which by the way if you’ve never been, you’re missing out. This morning I went to Rizzo’s for brunch with several friends. Not only was the food quite good but the price was great ($14). It was nearly half the cost of the “famous” brunch at Shanghai Reds and the food was comparable if not better. Plus there was a guy singing standards over pre-recorded music at a low soothing level where you could still easily talk over it. It was quite the relaxing experience.
This evening I saw Casablanca for the first time. I haven’t been avoiding it all these years or anything, in fact I’ve watched a little bit of it here and there over the years but I generally have a policy regarding movies: if I don’t watch it from the beginning then I can’t watch it to the end. Call me a traditionalist but I love to see a film from beginning to end. If I turn on a movie and it is half way through I’ll most likely change the channel within a few minutes, even if I’m enjoying what I see. If it’s really good then I usually make a definite plan to see it in its’ entirety.
My thoughts on Casablanca is that it is very good. Ingrid Bergman looks like an angel in it and I enjoyed most of the characters and the story. Growing up I didn’t watch many old black and white films. I’ve probably seen more the past few months than I had the last decade. As some of you know I joined a movie meetup group and one of the series that I am addicted to is the UB film seminar at the Market Arcade each Tuesday night. This husband and wife team of professors teach a film class that shows up each week to see a classic film and to discuss and ask questions about it afterwards. The movies themselves are great classic films but the discussions afterwards are pretty cool too. If you are free on Tuesday nights and like classic films, I highly recommend it. Plus there are half price concessions at the Market Arcade on Tuesday nights.
Starting this Saturday or next I’m going to be playing on an indoor coed football team. It’s the same league I play in during the fall and spring but now there’s a short term winter indoor league and a few teammates and I couldn’t pass up the opportunity to get that exercise and sharpen our skills a bit for the upcoming spring season. I don’t believe I will play quarterback this time so I have a long way to go to get into shape and improve my stamina and speed so I can be a more effective receiver but I am very confident in my hands, courage and route running so I’ll get there.
To cap off my VD I think I’ll pop in another romantic movie. From my collection it’s between House of Flying Daggers, Say Anything, Better Off Dead, The American President, When Harry Met Sally and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Yes I have too many movies. Unfortunately there will be no one to kiss at the end but that’s okay. I am however now accepting applications for next year’s Valentine. Won’t you be mine?
Sunday, February 14, 2010
Monday, February 8, 2010
Running Super Bowl Blog (2-7-10)
If you are sick and unable to attend any cool Super Bowl parties and get togethers why not make the most of the time and blog about the Super Bowl as it happens? Well, it sounds like a good idea to me. It is currently 5:30 and at least 50 minutes before kickoff so before we get to the games here are the things I want to see and don’t want to see:
Want to see:
-A shoot out and a close game that keeps my attention to the end.
-A realistic number of good commercials- by realistic I’ll take 1 in 4. If 25% of the commercials are good I’ll be happy
-Pete Townsend destroys his guitar after a killer set by the Who at halftime. That’s realistic right?
-A smidge of weather – Wouldn’t it be cool for once if the wind, temperature or rain was a small factor?
-a New Orleans victory. If I were to make a list of NFL cities that deserve a Super Bowl, the Big Easy would be right near the top with Buffalo, Detroit and Cleveland. New Orleans is an underdog team (in this game) from an underdog city who has never won it, let alone played in the Super Bowl before and winning it all would mean a lot to a city that greatly deserves some good news. How can you argue with that?
DON’T want to see:
-Political commercials during the Super Bowl. It’s football, stick to the dancing squirrels, dumb guys drinking beer, special effects, clever concepts and easy going junk. Leave the political, ethical, righteous crap for more serious programs. I love Jesus, like his style but leave him out of my sports. I love Barack Obama, like his style as well but unless he’s making a prediction or something game related I don’t want to see or hear from him nor his contemporaries in politics.
-I don’t want to see Kim Kardashian all night every time her boyfriend Reggie Bush does something. I’m sure CBS will show her a few times but this might be a blessing that the game is not on FOX which would show her 86 times by halftime regardless of Reggie’s exploits. For that matter I could do with minimal Archie and Eli Manning shots too.
-a nervous, low scoring, turnover filled game
Okay with all that in mind it is nearly gametime so here we go! (Times listed are EST) Special note: All the opinions expressed don’t necessary reflect the views of anyone you should take seriously. I’m just babbling and will repeatedly show that I don’t know what I am talking about. Enjoy!
6:01pm- So we start off with Jay Z. Didn’t he start off the World Series too? Jay Z is one of those rare hip hop stars who have crossed over and still has the street cred. The 90’s were littered with crossover rappers who went pop and then went bust. Perhaps it’s easier for Jay Z than it was for MC Hammer, Tone Loc, Young MC and those guys because back then hip hop wasn’t as mainstream and you really had to meet the pop sound halfway. You had to tweak your sound enough to get on the charts which generated resentment with the hardcore fanbase. Nowadays nothing is bigger than hip hop. It IS the mainstream so guys like Kanye and Jay Z can pretty much do what they want without sacrificing too much and it will go over.
6:07pm- My first winning combination and commercial of the night: Ritz crackers and Earth Wind and Fire. Ritz crackers aren’t too complicated… they are crackers. So why make a complicated commercial? Ritz didn’t and I applaud them for it. They mix in a marching band, Tiki Barber for the football tie-in and Earth Wind and Fire’s Let’s Groove tonight which is scientifically proven to make you groove.
6:10pm- Player introductions… Guys are pretty pumped up. I wonder if we’ll hear any cursing on the field. Speaking of which, with this being the Super Bowl and all I want to see that New Orleans team “300” pre-game ritual up close.
6:16pm- I noticed this is the Hyundai pregame show and that made me wonder if we’ll hear from Toyota tonight. They have as much damage control and trust issues as Tiger Woods right now so I’m thinking this might be a golden, albeit expensive opportunity to start turning it around. Now that I think about it, Tiger should have bought some ad time and tried to start the long road to repairing his image.
6:18pm- Queen Latifah? I thought she was more of a rapper than a singer, Chicago notwithstanding. Needless to say I’ll be a little skeptical.
6:21pm- Okay I liked the presentation and the way the song was done but the Queen may be more of a peasant when it comes to belting out a tune. I’ll give her a B- for a good try though.
6:23pm- I liked Carrie Underwood’s rendition of the national anthem a little better but I don’t know how much she truly loves America, after all she is marrying a Canadian hockey player from Ottawa. She gets a B.
6:28pm- Emmitt Smith’s coin toss almost went right into the Saints. I’m glad it didn’t hit anything or anyone because with as charged up and competitive these guys are right now it might have resulted in a 5 minute argument: “you didn’t call no interference” “no interference doesn’t have to be called, it’s a given”
6:30pm- Phil Simms just said “bad weather brings teams closer together” meaning that it offsets the difference in talent a little bit. It’s a valid point but makes me feel depressed because if you think about it the Bills haven’t made the playoffs in 10 years despite having bad weather some of the time.
6:33pm- Wow aggressive throw by Drew Brees on 3rd down. The man wasn’t open by much and the throw was not that great but at least he missed him long so it wasn’t costly. Between that throw and the play before where it looked like he had happy feet in the pocket I wonder if Drew is a bit nervous. You couldn’t blame him if he is. Although if he is, I hope he snaps out of it soon because that cool customer on the other sideline might put up a few quick scores before the nervous people settle in. In fact his first 3 throws have been perfect!
6:42pm- Although the Saints held the Colts to only a field goal on that opening drive, it didn’t really feel like they stopped the Colts as much as Peyton missed a throw. Still though, 3 is better than 7 against. Now I hope Drew Brees can get it going.
6:43pm- The first funny Super Bowl commercial followed by the pro-life one we’ve heard about all week. The “you’re playing like Betty White” bit was good and then to add Abe Vigoda at the end was frosting on the cake. As far as the Tim Tebow pro-life spot, it wasn’t as offensive as I thought it would be but I still do not think a football game is the time and place for such topics.
6:51pm- Colston taking one off the face, boy that’s embarrassing. Good thing there weren’t 50 million people watching or anything. That basically killed the drive. At least they pinned the Colts down deep in their territory but I don’t like the way this is going so far.
6:53pm- Bud Light commercial, it’s the end of the world what do we do? Bud Light? Really? If the world was going to end I’d sho’nuff be drinking top shelf hooch not bargain basement beer water.
6:55pm- The Colts just ran for 16 on that last play and then 10 more a few plays later. I know the Saints are petrified about Manning and they should be but they cannot give up huge runs. It might be curtains for them if the Colts can run the ball effectively throughout the game because the Colts are actually one of the league’s worst running teams.
7:02pm- The Simpsons Coca Cola commercial was cute but why do you need the Simpsons for that? You could have made the same commercial with no name actors and the same premise. Although right afterwards I give 2 thumbs up to Go Daddy for Danica Patrick getting a massage. Yeah it wasn’t too revealing but at this point in the Super Bowl I’ll take what I can get.
7:06pm- If you thought the voice box song effect hadn’t jumped the shark a year or two ago when every song on the radio was using it, I think it leaped over the shark right now with this Bud Light commercial. I have a theory that the worse a beer is the more you have to advertise for it. Think about your favorite beer and how often you see a commercial for it. Now compare that to how many Bud Light, Coors Light, Budweiser, and Miller Lite commercials you see. I think the only exception to this rule would be the introduction of a new beer but I think you get the point. Also no one give Cher the love she deserves. About 10 years ago she used the voice box effect to a huge top 10 smash song about believing about love after love. No one gives her the credit she deserves… at least as far as that goes.
7:08pm- By the way that Colts touchdown has put my mind on the verge of panic mode. The Saints MUST score on this drive. As I mentioned early on, the Saints had to get past the nerves fast because Peyton isn’t nervous and he is that damn good.
7:12pm- I was just about to ask where Pierre Thomas was but it appears he has been found. The Saints and Drew Brees especially could use the balance of a strong running threat. The Colts defense is fast but not big and strong. If you can run it right at them you can wear them down.
7:16pm- The Saints have to settle for a field goal after a nasty Freeney one armed sack. For the rest of the game the Saints will need touchdowns and not field goals but one this occasion they needed to get on the board so it was nice to get something.
7:20pm- Leno and Letterman in the same commercial… only at the Super Bowl.
7:22pm- I bet that was the first time there were ever two pantsless commercials in a row. Not that I’m counting and not that I am a fan.
7:23pm- Whether you like Brett Favre or you don’t you have to respect that he’ll make fun of himself.
7:25pm- Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good and Pierre Garcon dropping that 3rd down throw may have kept this game, a game. If he caught that at full speed like he was going he might have had a chance to score. Now if the Saints can score a TD here and tie the game I’ll be thrilled. Oh and quick shout out to the NFL network for using Arcade Fire in their commercial for the draft.
7:37pm- It’s the two minute warning and 3rd and goal at the 1. If I’m the Saints I’m going into 4-down territory here. To have pretty much dominated this quarter of play and come out of it with 2 field goals and to go down at least 4 points at the half is unacceptable. They are bigger on the line of scrimmage than the Colts and it needs to come out here.
7:39pm- I thought Mike Bell was the power back for goalline situations. He looked like Reggie Bush running east and west there. If it’s not there put your head down and get back to the line of scrimmage or at least a half yard to make 4th down more doable. Do not run it wide and lose yardage. Now with a yard and a half to 2 yards to go this becomes a real gamble whether they kick it or not.
7:50pm- I must admit I thought this was going to be a blowout after that first quarter was dominated by the Colts but then the Saints turned it around and owned the 2nd quarter. Unfortunately their huge advantages in time of possession and yards (143 yards to 15 yards) translated only into 2 field goals and left them still facing a 4 point deficit when the 2nd half begins. It was not the exciting offensive shootout I was both expecting and hoping for but it wasn’t a snoosefest either. Now it’s time to recharge the batteries and take in the Who.
8:13pm- Did everyone play along with the Who? It was like they were on the Guitar Hero stage and since it would light up on the beat I assumed if I had a controller and the game I could have played along. It was perfectly fine entertainment but it does seem a bit formulaic since Janet Jackson’s nipple. Ever since then it has been book all time great band/artist, do medley of hits, shoot fireworks, have crazy light show and visuals. It’s a good time albeit safe. I guess like I mentioned about not having political or religious commercials on the Super Bowl, perhaps this is how it should be, established and legendary performers instead of the flavor of the month. It makes me appreciate Prince’s appearance a few years ago a bit more. He played a few hits but also sprinkled in some covers too. How cool was that? You won’t see the Who doing any Bob Dylan tunes up there.
8:22pm- Onside kick to start the 2nd half. Wake up everybody! You have to love the cojones to attempt such a play. If the Colts recovered with a very short field it could very well be 17-6. But with the Saints recovering the kick even a field goal would be good as it would put them within a point but if the Saints were to go up 13-10 with the Colts on their heels, this would be very interesting. Plus it would be the first time tonight that pressure would be on Peyton Manning, who I might add hasn’t really thrown a pass in nearly an hour.
8:27pm- Touchdown Saints! The Saints look unafraid and more importantly have finally found the endzone. They are really starting to click. Drew looks locked in. It’s on now.
8:30pm- What the freak? First Arcade Fire in a commercial and now Grizzly Bear? Maybe I’m not as cool as I thought I was.
8:37pm- As I watch the Colts march right back down the field I’m starting to wonder if the shootout I was expecting in the 1st half may finally be here. Your serve New Orleans.
8:40pm- The KGB woman is fine.
8:44pm- Another commercial concept that has jumped the shark: the e-trade baby. It’s not even the same voice from last year’s commercials. If you are going to beat a concept to death at least maintain continuity so you can really wring out every drop of use from it.
8:59pm- Reggie Wayne has been REALLY quiet thus far.
9:07pm- Watching Drew Brees carve up the Colts secondary with passes all over the field, to all different receivers is like watching football art. It also makes me pine for a real quarterback for Buffalo. It’s been too long. Meanwhile I think it’s a matter of time before the Saints score.
9:15pm- I hope the Saints challenge that 2-point conversion. I’d give it to him.
9:19pm- Wow a 7 point game with 5 minutes and change and the best of the best taking the ball in an attempt to tie it. This is football!
9:21pm- Darn it, I was hoping to go through the whole game without hearing a chicken scream. Oh well.
9:26pm- The Green Police inside of my head! This Audi spot has been my favorite commercial of the night thus far. Yes even better than Danica’s rubdown and the KGB woman. “You picked the wrong day to mess with the ecosystem” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wq58zS4_jvM
9:29pm- The GAMEBREAKER! Pick 6 by the Saints and finally a team makes a mistake. In a game where no one had turned the ball over and the score was so close it makes sense that the one mistake made by someone could cost their team the game. I have too much respect for Peyton Manning to say this is over but I think I hear the fat lady tuning up.
9:37pm- The best Colts defender Dwight Freeney has either not played in the 2nd half or has been invisible because of his injury. It’s probably no coincidence that Drew Brees hasn’t had much pressure in the 2nd half and has looked amazing. He’s my MVP tonight.
9:43pm- There she goes! It’s over and let the party begin on Bourbon Street. Just a few years back before Drew Brees’ arrival in New Orleans no one would have guessed that a traditionally non successful franchise like the Saints would be winning the Super Bowl. It gives me hope that the little guys can win it every once in a while. I’m sure it also gives hope to the Cleveland’s, Seattle’s, Cincinnati’s, etc.
Who dat? Super Bowl Champs!
Want to see:
-A shoot out and a close game that keeps my attention to the end.
-A realistic number of good commercials- by realistic I’ll take 1 in 4. If 25% of the commercials are good I’ll be happy
-Pete Townsend destroys his guitar after a killer set by the Who at halftime. That’s realistic right?
-A smidge of weather – Wouldn’t it be cool for once if the wind, temperature or rain was a small factor?
-a New Orleans victory. If I were to make a list of NFL cities that deserve a Super Bowl, the Big Easy would be right near the top with Buffalo, Detroit and Cleveland. New Orleans is an underdog team (in this game) from an underdog city who has never won it, let alone played in the Super Bowl before and winning it all would mean a lot to a city that greatly deserves some good news. How can you argue with that?
DON’T want to see:
-Political commercials during the Super Bowl. It’s football, stick to the dancing squirrels, dumb guys drinking beer, special effects, clever concepts and easy going junk. Leave the political, ethical, righteous crap for more serious programs. I love Jesus, like his style but leave him out of my sports. I love Barack Obama, like his style as well but unless he’s making a prediction or something game related I don’t want to see or hear from him nor his contemporaries in politics.
-I don’t want to see Kim Kardashian all night every time her boyfriend Reggie Bush does something. I’m sure CBS will show her a few times but this might be a blessing that the game is not on FOX which would show her 86 times by halftime regardless of Reggie’s exploits. For that matter I could do with minimal Archie and Eli Manning shots too.
-a nervous, low scoring, turnover filled game
Okay with all that in mind it is nearly gametime so here we go! (Times listed are EST) Special note: All the opinions expressed don’t necessary reflect the views of anyone you should take seriously. I’m just babbling and will repeatedly show that I don’t know what I am talking about. Enjoy!
6:01pm- So we start off with Jay Z. Didn’t he start off the World Series too? Jay Z is one of those rare hip hop stars who have crossed over and still has the street cred. The 90’s were littered with crossover rappers who went pop and then went bust. Perhaps it’s easier for Jay Z than it was for MC Hammer, Tone Loc, Young MC and those guys because back then hip hop wasn’t as mainstream and you really had to meet the pop sound halfway. You had to tweak your sound enough to get on the charts which generated resentment with the hardcore fanbase. Nowadays nothing is bigger than hip hop. It IS the mainstream so guys like Kanye and Jay Z can pretty much do what they want without sacrificing too much and it will go over.
6:07pm- My first winning combination and commercial of the night: Ritz crackers and Earth Wind and Fire. Ritz crackers aren’t too complicated… they are crackers. So why make a complicated commercial? Ritz didn’t and I applaud them for it. They mix in a marching band, Tiki Barber for the football tie-in and Earth Wind and Fire’s Let’s Groove tonight which is scientifically proven to make you groove.
6:10pm- Player introductions… Guys are pretty pumped up. I wonder if we’ll hear any cursing on the field. Speaking of which, with this being the Super Bowl and all I want to see that New Orleans team “300” pre-game ritual up close.
6:16pm- I noticed this is the Hyundai pregame show and that made me wonder if we’ll hear from Toyota tonight. They have as much damage control and trust issues as Tiger Woods right now so I’m thinking this might be a golden, albeit expensive opportunity to start turning it around. Now that I think about it, Tiger should have bought some ad time and tried to start the long road to repairing his image.
6:18pm- Queen Latifah? I thought she was more of a rapper than a singer, Chicago notwithstanding. Needless to say I’ll be a little skeptical.
6:21pm- Okay I liked the presentation and the way the song was done but the Queen may be more of a peasant when it comes to belting out a tune. I’ll give her a B- for a good try though.
6:23pm- I liked Carrie Underwood’s rendition of the national anthem a little better but I don’t know how much she truly loves America, after all she is marrying a Canadian hockey player from Ottawa. She gets a B.
6:28pm- Emmitt Smith’s coin toss almost went right into the Saints. I’m glad it didn’t hit anything or anyone because with as charged up and competitive these guys are right now it might have resulted in a 5 minute argument: “you didn’t call no interference” “no interference doesn’t have to be called, it’s a given”
6:30pm- Phil Simms just said “bad weather brings teams closer together” meaning that it offsets the difference in talent a little bit. It’s a valid point but makes me feel depressed because if you think about it the Bills haven’t made the playoffs in 10 years despite having bad weather some of the time.
6:33pm- Wow aggressive throw by Drew Brees on 3rd down. The man wasn’t open by much and the throw was not that great but at least he missed him long so it wasn’t costly. Between that throw and the play before where it looked like he had happy feet in the pocket I wonder if Drew is a bit nervous. You couldn’t blame him if he is. Although if he is, I hope he snaps out of it soon because that cool customer on the other sideline might put up a few quick scores before the nervous people settle in. In fact his first 3 throws have been perfect!
6:42pm- Although the Saints held the Colts to only a field goal on that opening drive, it didn’t really feel like they stopped the Colts as much as Peyton missed a throw. Still though, 3 is better than 7 against. Now I hope Drew Brees can get it going.
6:43pm- The first funny Super Bowl commercial followed by the pro-life one we’ve heard about all week. The “you’re playing like Betty White” bit was good and then to add Abe Vigoda at the end was frosting on the cake. As far as the Tim Tebow pro-life spot, it wasn’t as offensive as I thought it would be but I still do not think a football game is the time and place for such topics.
6:51pm- Colston taking one off the face, boy that’s embarrassing. Good thing there weren’t 50 million people watching or anything. That basically killed the drive. At least they pinned the Colts down deep in their territory but I don’t like the way this is going so far.
6:53pm- Bud Light commercial, it’s the end of the world what do we do? Bud Light? Really? If the world was going to end I’d sho’nuff be drinking top shelf hooch not bargain basement beer water.
6:55pm- The Colts just ran for 16 on that last play and then 10 more a few plays later. I know the Saints are petrified about Manning and they should be but they cannot give up huge runs. It might be curtains for them if the Colts can run the ball effectively throughout the game because the Colts are actually one of the league’s worst running teams.
7:02pm- The Simpsons Coca Cola commercial was cute but why do you need the Simpsons for that? You could have made the same commercial with no name actors and the same premise. Although right afterwards I give 2 thumbs up to Go Daddy for Danica Patrick getting a massage. Yeah it wasn’t too revealing but at this point in the Super Bowl I’ll take what I can get.
7:06pm- If you thought the voice box song effect hadn’t jumped the shark a year or two ago when every song on the radio was using it, I think it leaped over the shark right now with this Bud Light commercial. I have a theory that the worse a beer is the more you have to advertise for it. Think about your favorite beer and how often you see a commercial for it. Now compare that to how many Bud Light, Coors Light, Budweiser, and Miller Lite commercials you see. I think the only exception to this rule would be the introduction of a new beer but I think you get the point. Also no one give Cher the love she deserves. About 10 years ago she used the voice box effect to a huge top 10 smash song about believing about love after love. No one gives her the credit she deserves… at least as far as that goes.
7:08pm- By the way that Colts touchdown has put my mind on the verge of panic mode. The Saints MUST score on this drive. As I mentioned early on, the Saints had to get past the nerves fast because Peyton isn’t nervous and he is that damn good.
7:12pm- I was just about to ask where Pierre Thomas was but it appears he has been found. The Saints and Drew Brees especially could use the balance of a strong running threat. The Colts defense is fast but not big and strong. If you can run it right at them you can wear them down.
7:16pm- The Saints have to settle for a field goal after a nasty Freeney one armed sack. For the rest of the game the Saints will need touchdowns and not field goals but one this occasion they needed to get on the board so it was nice to get something.
7:20pm- Leno and Letterman in the same commercial… only at the Super Bowl.
7:22pm- I bet that was the first time there were ever two pantsless commercials in a row. Not that I’m counting and not that I am a fan.
7:23pm- Whether you like Brett Favre or you don’t you have to respect that he’ll make fun of himself.
7:25pm- Sometimes it’s better to be lucky than good and Pierre Garcon dropping that 3rd down throw may have kept this game, a game. If he caught that at full speed like he was going he might have had a chance to score. Now if the Saints can score a TD here and tie the game I’ll be thrilled. Oh and quick shout out to the NFL network for using Arcade Fire in their commercial for the draft.
7:37pm- It’s the two minute warning and 3rd and goal at the 1. If I’m the Saints I’m going into 4-down territory here. To have pretty much dominated this quarter of play and come out of it with 2 field goals and to go down at least 4 points at the half is unacceptable. They are bigger on the line of scrimmage than the Colts and it needs to come out here.
7:39pm- I thought Mike Bell was the power back for goalline situations. He looked like Reggie Bush running east and west there. If it’s not there put your head down and get back to the line of scrimmage or at least a half yard to make 4th down more doable. Do not run it wide and lose yardage. Now with a yard and a half to 2 yards to go this becomes a real gamble whether they kick it or not.
7:50pm- I must admit I thought this was going to be a blowout after that first quarter was dominated by the Colts but then the Saints turned it around and owned the 2nd quarter. Unfortunately their huge advantages in time of possession and yards (143 yards to 15 yards) translated only into 2 field goals and left them still facing a 4 point deficit when the 2nd half begins. It was not the exciting offensive shootout I was both expecting and hoping for but it wasn’t a snoosefest either. Now it’s time to recharge the batteries and take in the Who.
8:13pm- Did everyone play along with the Who? It was like they were on the Guitar Hero stage and since it would light up on the beat I assumed if I had a controller and the game I could have played along. It was perfectly fine entertainment but it does seem a bit formulaic since Janet Jackson’s nipple. Ever since then it has been book all time great band/artist, do medley of hits, shoot fireworks, have crazy light show and visuals. It’s a good time albeit safe. I guess like I mentioned about not having political or religious commercials on the Super Bowl, perhaps this is how it should be, established and legendary performers instead of the flavor of the month. It makes me appreciate Prince’s appearance a few years ago a bit more. He played a few hits but also sprinkled in some covers too. How cool was that? You won’t see the Who doing any Bob Dylan tunes up there.
8:22pm- Onside kick to start the 2nd half. Wake up everybody! You have to love the cojones to attempt such a play. If the Colts recovered with a very short field it could very well be 17-6. But with the Saints recovering the kick even a field goal would be good as it would put them within a point but if the Saints were to go up 13-10 with the Colts on their heels, this would be very interesting. Plus it would be the first time tonight that pressure would be on Peyton Manning, who I might add hasn’t really thrown a pass in nearly an hour.
8:27pm- Touchdown Saints! The Saints look unafraid and more importantly have finally found the endzone. They are really starting to click. Drew looks locked in. It’s on now.
8:30pm- What the freak? First Arcade Fire in a commercial and now Grizzly Bear? Maybe I’m not as cool as I thought I was.
8:37pm- As I watch the Colts march right back down the field I’m starting to wonder if the shootout I was expecting in the 1st half may finally be here. Your serve New Orleans.
8:40pm- The KGB woman is fine.
8:44pm- Another commercial concept that has jumped the shark: the e-trade baby. It’s not even the same voice from last year’s commercials. If you are going to beat a concept to death at least maintain continuity so you can really wring out every drop of use from it.
8:59pm- Reggie Wayne has been REALLY quiet thus far.
9:07pm- Watching Drew Brees carve up the Colts secondary with passes all over the field, to all different receivers is like watching football art. It also makes me pine for a real quarterback for Buffalo. It’s been too long. Meanwhile I think it’s a matter of time before the Saints score.
9:15pm- I hope the Saints challenge that 2-point conversion. I’d give it to him.
9:19pm- Wow a 7 point game with 5 minutes and change and the best of the best taking the ball in an attempt to tie it. This is football!
9:21pm- Darn it, I was hoping to go through the whole game without hearing a chicken scream. Oh well.
9:26pm- The Green Police inside of my head! This Audi spot has been my favorite commercial of the night thus far. Yes even better than Danica’s rubdown and the KGB woman. “You picked the wrong day to mess with the ecosystem” http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wq58zS4_jvM
9:29pm- The GAMEBREAKER! Pick 6 by the Saints and finally a team makes a mistake. In a game where no one had turned the ball over and the score was so close it makes sense that the one mistake made by someone could cost their team the game. I have too much respect for Peyton Manning to say this is over but I think I hear the fat lady tuning up.
9:37pm- The best Colts defender Dwight Freeney has either not played in the 2nd half or has been invisible because of his injury. It’s probably no coincidence that Drew Brees hasn’t had much pressure in the 2nd half and has looked amazing. He’s my MVP tonight.
9:43pm- There she goes! It’s over and let the party begin on Bourbon Street. Just a few years back before Drew Brees’ arrival in New Orleans no one would have guessed that a traditionally non successful franchise like the Saints would be winning the Super Bowl. It gives me hope that the little guys can win it every once in a while. I’m sure it also gives hope to the Cleveland’s, Seattle’s, Cincinnati’s, etc.
Who dat? Super Bowl Champs!
Monday, January 18, 2010
A Case of Me (1-18-10)
Saturday night 9:30pm
Not long before this moment I felt great. I went and saw my first opera and had a light dinner with a friend. Everything was going well. I ate well for the day. I took in some fantastic culture and did something brand new and extraordinary. I was feeling pretty good about the evening ahead. I was going over to a friend’s place to help celebrate another friend’s birthday.
After returning home I had about an hour to get ready until the next bus that would take me to the little get-together. Unfortunately I’d get there at least a half hour late but the bus schedule on the weekend is what it is. In that hour beforehand all I really had to do was get cleaned up and change clothes. I took my time as I often do because if I rushed I might get too warm, sweaty and anxious and that could jeopardize my desire to go. I can be very iffy about going to social gatherings because being around large groups (to me that means more than 5 people) makes me uncomfortable and if I arrive late which I was already doing, I get jittery and it gets harder for me to relax and adjust to the room which is essential. I had to make sure I arrived cool and calm.
For that reason I like to get to places on time or early. If I can get there before nearly everyone else I can find a place to settle and get comfortable while everything happens around me. When I arrive late everything is in motion and I badly need to find a place to plant myself down and try to relax in. If I cannot I might head right out of the door minutes after arriving. I’ve done this before. I’ve walked into a packed place and when I couldn’t find a place to drop anchor or a friendly face I started getting really nervous and then the sweat starts pouring down my brow. I get warm easily by nature and I sweat easily when I am uncomfortable. I then get incredibly self conscious about the sweating and discomfort and I flee the scene.
In this case my plans were moving along fine. I had time, I didn’t have to rush and there would be familiar faces when I got there to help me relax. That’s one thing I forgot to mention. All of this nonsense mostly applies if I am going somewhere alone. If I am accompanied by 1 or more people a lot of tension is lifted off my shoulders and I don’t have as much of a problem. It also helps when there are people I know at the place I am going, especially when I am alone as I was tonight.
I had showered, gotten dressed, had my shoes on and was only going to put on my belt, jacket and hat. I was mere moments from heading out the door. I grabbed my belt and ran it through the loops on the pants. Next I attempted to fasten it and something was different. I couldn’t fasten it. Suddenly it wasn’t long enough.
I hadn’t worn any pants that required a belt since Christmas day and I didn’t remember having that much trouble putting it on. Is it possible that I’ve gained enough holiday weight in 3 weeks that I could no longer fasten my belt?
A wave of depression swept over me. I sucked in my gut and pulled a little bit on the belt and I was finally able to fasten it on the last notch but it felt awfully tight. I just needed to put on my jacket and hat and head out the door. It seems like such an easy thing to do but I was overcome by a case of me. I started getting afraid to go. I thought what if people see how fat I am? I also remembered I would be arriving a bit late. What if there were a lot of people there when I walked in? What if they all looked at me and those who knew me would think; damn Ed is getting really big! What if there were pretty females in attendance? I think that’s one of my biggest fears, when pretty women me see when I am not at my best.
My mind was racing. I had my belt on. I just needed to put on that jacket and hat and go. I couldn’t shake my fear out of my mind. I kept pondering it. I kept seeing reactions that probably wouldn’t have occurred. I sat down and started going into Cameron Fry territory. You know, the best friend in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off who can’t decide whether he wants to go out that day. I started to weigh pros and cons. I wanted to go. I wanted to see some of the people who would be there and see how they were doing. I thought it would be fun to hang out. But my fears were speaking louder. I was afraid of what women would think of me and not just at the friend’s house but when we went out to a few places afterwards. I felt like that Goo Goo Dolls song: “I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think they’d understand.”
After the internal debate I regained my composure and looked at the clock. All this useless inner rambling had robbed me of the comfort zone of time I had. Now I was up against it. I would have to walk very briskly to make it in time for the bus and if I didn’t, the next one wouldn’t be for another hour. But if I hustled the 2 blocks to the bus stop I’d be overheated, sweaty and uncomfortable. Oh why even bother going at this point!
When I decide to stay in, shut it down, succumb to my fears and bail out on my plans I feel like a freak. I feel isolated and alone. I turn into a basket case. Whenever I’m badly out of shape like I am now I think I feel ashamed and embarrassed to be seen in public like this. It’s why I try to travel in the anonymity of the shadows rather than the glare of the light. I like to be heard but I don’t like to be seen. It’s probably why I love the internet and typing so much.
I’ve always been a bit flaky when it comes to social gatherings, even when I am in better shape and feeling good about myself. It’s because of nerves, fears and sweat. I’m just not comfortable around people a lot of the time and I don’t know if that’s ever going to change. I know there are things I can do to improve my chances out there like arriving early, dressing comfortably, going somewhere with friends or meeting them out there, etc. but when I am in lone wolf mode and as fragile confidence wise like I was tonight it doesn’t take much to derail me… and I am derailed.
The aftermath of derailment is anger. I’m angry at myself for letting fear get the better of me. I’m angry because I told someone I’d probably be somewhere and I didn’t show. I’m angry at myself for being out of shape. I’m angry for being so damn emotionally fragile. For a little bit I let the anger build and swirl inside of me. I can’t blow it off or bottle it up and nor should I want to. Let it swirl and let it out, that’s what I say. After it was stirred into an impressive emotional stew I harnessed all the anger inside of me and sat down at the computer. I thought; I don’t want to hold onto this when I wake up tomorrow so I’m going to start typing my way back to love. So here I am. Tonight is a bump in the road. It’s silly and it makes no sense but I’m often hopeless when I am overcome by a case of me.
Not long before this moment I felt great. I went and saw my first opera and had a light dinner with a friend. Everything was going well. I ate well for the day. I took in some fantastic culture and did something brand new and extraordinary. I was feeling pretty good about the evening ahead. I was going over to a friend’s place to help celebrate another friend’s birthday.
After returning home I had about an hour to get ready until the next bus that would take me to the little get-together. Unfortunately I’d get there at least a half hour late but the bus schedule on the weekend is what it is. In that hour beforehand all I really had to do was get cleaned up and change clothes. I took my time as I often do because if I rushed I might get too warm, sweaty and anxious and that could jeopardize my desire to go. I can be very iffy about going to social gatherings because being around large groups (to me that means more than 5 people) makes me uncomfortable and if I arrive late which I was already doing, I get jittery and it gets harder for me to relax and adjust to the room which is essential. I had to make sure I arrived cool and calm.
For that reason I like to get to places on time or early. If I can get there before nearly everyone else I can find a place to settle and get comfortable while everything happens around me. When I arrive late everything is in motion and I badly need to find a place to plant myself down and try to relax in. If I cannot I might head right out of the door minutes after arriving. I’ve done this before. I’ve walked into a packed place and when I couldn’t find a place to drop anchor or a friendly face I started getting really nervous and then the sweat starts pouring down my brow. I get warm easily by nature and I sweat easily when I am uncomfortable. I then get incredibly self conscious about the sweating and discomfort and I flee the scene.
In this case my plans were moving along fine. I had time, I didn’t have to rush and there would be familiar faces when I got there to help me relax. That’s one thing I forgot to mention. All of this nonsense mostly applies if I am going somewhere alone. If I am accompanied by 1 or more people a lot of tension is lifted off my shoulders and I don’t have as much of a problem. It also helps when there are people I know at the place I am going, especially when I am alone as I was tonight.
I had showered, gotten dressed, had my shoes on and was only going to put on my belt, jacket and hat. I was mere moments from heading out the door. I grabbed my belt and ran it through the loops on the pants. Next I attempted to fasten it and something was different. I couldn’t fasten it. Suddenly it wasn’t long enough.
I hadn’t worn any pants that required a belt since Christmas day and I didn’t remember having that much trouble putting it on. Is it possible that I’ve gained enough holiday weight in 3 weeks that I could no longer fasten my belt?
A wave of depression swept over me. I sucked in my gut and pulled a little bit on the belt and I was finally able to fasten it on the last notch but it felt awfully tight. I just needed to put on my jacket and hat and head out the door. It seems like such an easy thing to do but I was overcome by a case of me. I started getting afraid to go. I thought what if people see how fat I am? I also remembered I would be arriving a bit late. What if there were a lot of people there when I walked in? What if they all looked at me and those who knew me would think; damn Ed is getting really big! What if there were pretty females in attendance? I think that’s one of my biggest fears, when pretty women me see when I am not at my best.
My mind was racing. I had my belt on. I just needed to put on that jacket and hat and go. I couldn’t shake my fear out of my mind. I kept pondering it. I kept seeing reactions that probably wouldn’t have occurred. I sat down and started going into Cameron Fry territory. You know, the best friend in Ferris Bueller’s Day Off who can’t decide whether he wants to go out that day. I started to weigh pros and cons. I wanted to go. I wanted to see some of the people who would be there and see how they were doing. I thought it would be fun to hang out. But my fears were speaking louder. I was afraid of what women would think of me and not just at the friend’s house but when we went out to a few places afterwards. I felt like that Goo Goo Dolls song: “I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think they’d understand.”
After the internal debate I regained my composure and looked at the clock. All this useless inner rambling had robbed me of the comfort zone of time I had. Now I was up against it. I would have to walk very briskly to make it in time for the bus and if I didn’t, the next one wouldn’t be for another hour. But if I hustled the 2 blocks to the bus stop I’d be overheated, sweaty and uncomfortable. Oh why even bother going at this point!
When I decide to stay in, shut it down, succumb to my fears and bail out on my plans I feel like a freak. I feel isolated and alone. I turn into a basket case. Whenever I’m badly out of shape like I am now I think I feel ashamed and embarrassed to be seen in public like this. It’s why I try to travel in the anonymity of the shadows rather than the glare of the light. I like to be heard but I don’t like to be seen. It’s probably why I love the internet and typing so much.
I’ve always been a bit flaky when it comes to social gatherings, even when I am in better shape and feeling good about myself. It’s because of nerves, fears and sweat. I’m just not comfortable around people a lot of the time and I don’t know if that’s ever going to change. I know there are things I can do to improve my chances out there like arriving early, dressing comfortably, going somewhere with friends or meeting them out there, etc. but when I am in lone wolf mode and as fragile confidence wise like I was tonight it doesn’t take much to derail me… and I am derailed.
The aftermath of derailment is anger. I’m angry at myself for letting fear get the better of me. I’m angry because I told someone I’d probably be somewhere and I didn’t show. I’m angry at myself for being out of shape. I’m angry for being so damn emotionally fragile. For a little bit I let the anger build and swirl inside of me. I can’t blow it off or bottle it up and nor should I want to. Let it swirl and let it out, that’s what I say. After it was stirred into an impressive emotional stew I harnessed all the anger inside of me and sat down at the computer. I thought; I don’t want to hold onto this when I wake up tomorrow so I’m going to start typing my way back to love. So here I am. Tonight is a bump in the road. It’s silly and it makes no sense but I’m often hopeless when I am overcome by a case of me.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The Resolution Revolution (1-12-10)
I’ve never been someone to take New Years resolutions too seriously. I rarely make them and often times when I do make the effort I do so facetiously. I find them silly, at least for me, and like most people I never stick to them. I honestly cannot remember one time I followed through with a resolution. Speaking of which, did you know that only 12% of people who make these resolutions actually achieve their goal? Maybe I’m right to take it frivolously.
Looking back, mostly I’ve made some pretty ridiculous ones. I remember one year back in the late 90’s where I made a resolution to drink more. Occasionally I’ve made genuine ones like learning to play the piano or learning to speak Spanish that I didn’t follow through on and felt/feel bad about because I still haven’t accomplished those things. A few times I made a temporary commitment to losing weight or eating better. I think the feeling is when you get a few weeks into that next year you lose the drive. By the time you reach February a “New Years” commitment doesn’t mean much.
I remember a few years ago when I became a member of the Jewish Community Center or JCC for those in the neighborhood. I did it for a full year. It wasn’t one of those things where I joined on New Years either. I believe I joined towards the springtime. I joined because I wanted to get more exercise and a friend of mine was joining at the same time. I went in and mostly I played basketball 3 nights a week. Most times there were some good runs. Occasionally when there would be a low turnout or if the runs weren’t going well I’d wander into the cardio room. There was always a bunch of machines to use if I felt so inclined. Part of it was going in later in the evening than most people, and part of it was that they had more machines than were needed, which is great for the members.
By the time the New Year came those first 2-3 weeks of January were brutal. The cardio room was packed. There would be small lines to use certain machines. You couldn’t even walk around in there. Even the basketball court became a little more full. It didn’t last for very long. By February things were back to normal and I could use anything I wanted again. I mention this only to illustrate the “seriousness” of resolutions.
The fact of the matter is this year, this month, this week, this day I need to lose weight. My weight shot up after that car accident 2 years ago and I did lose some of what I gained only to gain it back this year. I feel it when I stand, when I walk and certainly when I run. I don’t feel like me. I feel injured or messed up. I feel like a gang of people whooped me. I think the gang was made up of the Burger King, Little Debbie, Dolly Madison, Ben and Jerry, Tony the Tiger, Bob Evans, Oscar Mayer, the Trix Rabbit, Betty Crocker, Count Chocula, the Gorton’s Fisherman, Mrs. T, The Pillsbury Doughboy and the Kool-Aid Man. They’ve whooped me good and they’re relentless.
In all seriousness though I don’t feel right and it affected me in all of my spring and summer sports last season. I felt a little slower. I felt a little less mobile. I ran out of gas quicker. I didn’t hit as well. I didn’t field as well. I didn’t hustle sometimes like I know I can. I didn’t make enough plays. Whether we’re talking softball, kickball, football or whatever, I felt it. I feel it now and it pisses me off. So that’s my resolution this year. I want to make plays again. I want walking, running and playing sports to feel like they used to a few years back.
At the heart of a resolution is the spirit of self-improvement. Self improvement is a grown up thing. I’m at the point where I don’t feel like it might be a good idea if I get into better shape, I feel like I NEED to do it. Do I need a term like resolution to motivate me to do something I need? Probably not, but why not throw it in there? It certainly can’t hurt. So count me in on this resolution revolution.
See that guy in the picture? That’s me a few summers back. This is where I want to get back to.
Looking back, mostly I’ve made some pretty ridiculous ones. I remember one year back in the late 90’s where I made a resolution to drink more. Occasionally I’ve made genuine ones like learning to play the piano or learning to speak Spanish that I didn’t follow through on and felt/feel bad about because I still haven’t accomplished those things. A few times I made a temporary commitment to losing weight or eating better. I think the feeling is when you get a few weeks into that next year you lose the drive. By the time you reach February a “New Years” commitment doesn’t mean much.
I remember a few years ago when I became a member of the Jewish Community Center or JCC for those in the neighborhood. I did it for a full year. It wasn’t one of those things where I joined on New Years either. I believe I joined towards the springtime. I joined because I wanted to get more exercise and a friend of mine was joining at the same time. I went in and mostly I played basketball 3 nights a week. Most times there were some good runs. Occasionally when there would be a low turnout or if the runs weren’t going well I’d wander into the cardio room. There was always a bunch of machines to use if I felt so inclined. Part of it was going in later in the evening than most people, and part of it was that they had more machines than were needed, which is great for the members.
By the time the New Year came those first 2-3 weeks of January were brutal. The cardio room was packed. There would be small lines to use certain machines. You couldn’t even walk around in there. Even the basketball court became a little more full. It didn’t last for very long. By February things were back to normal and I could use anything I wanted again. I mention this only to illustrate the “seriousness” of resolutions.
The fact of the matter is this year, this month, this week, this day I need to lose weight. My weight shot up after that car accident 2 years ago and I did lose some of what I gained only to gain it back this year. I feel it when I stand, when I walk and certainly when I run. I don’t feel like me. I feel injured or messed up. I feel like a gang of people whooped me. I think the gang was made up of the Burger King, Little Debbie, Dolly Madison, Ben and Jerry, Tony the Tiger, Bob Evans, Oscar Mayer, the Trix Rabbit, Betty Crocker, Count Chocula, the Gorton’s Fisherman, Mrs. T, The Pillsbury Doughboy and the Kool-Aid Man. They’ve whooped me good and they’re relentless.
In all seriousness though I don’t feel right and it affected me in all of my spring and summer sports last season. I felt a little slower. I felt a little less mobile. I ran out of gas quicker. I didn’t hit as well. I didn’t field as well. I didn’t hustle sometimes like I know I can. I didn’t make enough plays. Whether we’re talking softball, kickball, football or whatever, I felt it. I feel it now and it pisses me off. So that’s my resolution this year. I want to make plays again. I want walking, running and playing sports to feel like they used to a few years back.
At the heart of a resolution is the spirit of self-improvement. Self improvement is a grown up thing. I’m at the point where I don’t feel like it might be a good idea if I get into better shape, I feel like I NEED to do it. Do I need a term like resolution to motivate me to do something I need? Probably not, but why not throw it in there? It certainly can’t hurt. So count me in on this resolution revolution.
See that guy in the picture? That’s me a few summers back. This is where I want to get back to.
Saturday, January 2, 2010
Light - Dark (1-2-10)
Tuesday morning was cold, really cold. With temperatures in the single digits I wrapped my black scarf around my face so that only my eyes were visible. With my black knit hat on the top and the scarf down below I was officially into my snow ninja costume. I was ready to do snow ninja things like walk to the bus stop, ride the bus and then walk the rest of the way to work. Snow ninja!
I ninja-walked the last two mostly unshoveled blocks and was ready to sit down at my desk when I see a co-worker wearing the little white hospital bracelet ID thing. I look up and she has a few cuts on her face. Before I could even ask she told me how she was mugged by 2 punk kids on the way in.
Like me, she usually walks into work this time of year and rides a bike into work during the warmer months. Early in the morning when she was walking in these 2 teens attacked her. They took her bag but that wasn’t enough. They needed to repeatedly strike her in the head after they had her things. As she told me more details I began to tense up, filled with a combination of fear and anger.
Aside from some minor cuts, bruises, soreness and all the psychological damage that comes with such an attack, she seems okay. Yeah that’s a bit of sarcasm. What kind of people attack a woman in the light of day on such a cold morning? Were they desperate? Were they sick? Considering that there were 2 assailants I’m going to go with not crazy and not sick. If it were one person, you never know but 2 people working in concert to perpetrate such a heinous act is just evil. The fact that these were young adults makes me think that these 2 are well on their way to successful criminal careers. I mean, if they are already willing to do this, how long before they kill someone for a hundred bucks or less?
I talked to my co-worker about what happened and she was worried about all the things she lost; her bank information, cards, keys, phone, a few CDs and all the cash she had for a week and a half. I mentioned that it was quite possible that the crooks would take the cash, phone and maybe a few other valuables and then toss the rest. A lot of times this happens near where the actual crime took place. As they run away and flee the scene, they’ll stop somewhere close by where they feel like they are safe enough and go through the bag and pick out what they want and then drop the rest. About an hour after mentioning that to her, her bag was found with all her cards, keys and it seemed like they took the cash, one check, her ID and her phone and discarded everything else.
She had a good attitude about it. She talked about how it could have been worse. She’s right, it could have been. They could have had a weapon. They were sadistic and brazen enough without a weapon but in theory she could have been seriously hurt or worse and for what, a little bit of cash and a cell phone?
When she was telling me about her ordeal it was really stirring things up inside me. I was getting so angry that if those kids suddenly appeared in front of us I would have laid the smack down on them. At the same time there was this emerging fear inside because I am someone who walks around the neighborhood too. I’m already paranoid enough from my youth growing up on the lower west side where dodging punk kids became an art form. I had a mental layout of all the streets near my house and the best yards or “passageways” to use to get away from someone pursuing me or to get somewhere fast. After being attacked or jumped so many times growing up I still carry a little bit of fear on my mind when I’m walking up a street and see 3-4 punks coming the other way. Of course no one has really bothered me since my teen years. Maybe it’s due to how big and intimidating I’ve gotten. The point is that I’m still on alert when I’m out there and I burn a little bit hearing about this because there’s a part of me who would love to settle the score for her.
Some of you know my love of fairy tale vigilantes. I love a good vigilante story. It’s why I love those Death Wish movies, Dirty Harry, Shaft, Batman, the Crow, Leon the Professional, Iron Man, Dexter and the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It’s what my book is about if I ever finish writing it. I love movie vigilantes. I want to be a movie vigilante. The only problem is real-life vigilantes don’t have it the same way. It doesn’t work out so perfectly for the vigilante in reality. So despite all my little boy dreaming I’m grown up enough to know it doesn’t work that way in the really real world. So I won’t be painting my face or wearing a cape and talking scruffy anytime soon.
Did you know that for a time I wanted to be a police officer? This goes back a while but it’s true. I took a criminal justice class and hung around with a few guys who were already in the Criminal Justice major. I had a naïve fascination with being one of the good guys. I wanted to be someone who helped people and made a difference. What turned me off to further studies were the people I met in the program and in the class. There were a lot of douchebags who wanted to become what I perceived as the wrong kind of police officers. One of those guys was actually one of my best friends at the time. His name was Paul.
When we were younger Paul and I did some stupid things and followed fads. We pretended we were tougher, smarter and cooler than we were but that was only in our world. We were pretty much wanna-be dorks who did just enough (played high school football) to not be picked on by the cool and rough. As we approached college I began to emerge from my malt liquor, Yo MTV Raps, selfish, smartass, arrogant, pretending to be a goomba phase and started to see who I really was and what the world might be like when I gazed upon it with my own eyes.
After several years passed I was becoming more comfortable with who I was and who I wanted to be but my friend was that same guy from a few years back. He was still wearing ridiculous multi-colored shirts with the top 3 buttons open and gold chains resting inside on a hairy chest. He put a ton of gel in his hair and an awful lot of cologne on his face. To people who saw us hanging out together, they must have seen Felix and Oscar. Despite our heading off in different directions I remained friends with him because of loyalty. We had been friends since grade school and I don’t discard friends easily due to the fact that I let so few in. I tried to be myself in a quiet way so as not to disturb our friendship. I didn’t share with him the things I was learning about myself and about life. He would have thought I was becoming weird or worse “gay”. Yes they even used that term back then when they thought something was stupid but I guess they wanted a one syllable word to describe it.
The only thing I thought he was doing right at the time was that he was trying to become a police officer and he was already in the criminal justice program. He went on ride-alongs with the police and I asked him about it frequently. I was in the business program but I was thinking of changing to criminal justice so I hungered to learn more about the job. I wanted to learn about the crazy and the terrible things he saw. I also wanted to hear about how the police were able to help people and resolve difficult situations. I wanted to hear about the good things, the honor and the passion as well. Every day the stories were the same. It was always about how cool it was to go to Ponderosa with them and get free food, or how they would get free coffees or slurpees at 7-11 and pick up women at some restaurant or store. He was so impressed with the police officers ability to get free things, pick up women and how people admired and were in awe of those in uniform. He wanted to get those same things. None of those things interested me and his stories became old fast. In fact his act grew tiresome and since this was the only thing I respected him for and it turned out to be a rude, I drifted away from him. He’d call me every once in a while but I wouldn’t answer the phone or I’d give him some excuse why I couldn’t hang out that weekend. I wondered why he still wanted to hang out with me, since we had become so different philosophically. After a while he quit trying to reach me and this was how 2 best friends from back in the day finally grew all the way apart.
The criminal justice class I was in and the people in the program I talked to and hung out with during that semester were no different than him. They were so concerned with image, status and power. What happened to honor, courage and justice? Needless to say these people rubbed me the wrong way and I went in another direction. I’m sure today that I was presumptuous. I based my feelings on a lot of stereotypes and a limited pool of data. Plus I’m certain I became a little too emotional about something so trite but sometimes that is my way. When looking for my heart, if you can’t find it in my chest it is best to look on my sleeve.
I bailed on my thoughts of becoming a police officer because I was afraid of what people thought about me, how much I’d be liked and if I’d always have trouble because I was different than most of them. It’s silly to think about it now but my fears derailed me. I thought that I would be disliked as an officer because of my straight and narrow ways. I guess I’ve seen too many movies and television programs where cops were dirty and they would get everyone to turn on the good cops who had the courage to out them. I was afraid that I would become Serpico or something. So instead of mounting my high horse I released it to run free. It is a decision I regret on occasion because to this day I still want to be Robert Goren, Shawn Spencer, Monk, Magnum P.I., Shaft or if not a detective a profiler. That stuff is fascinating to me and I’m always trying to break down people to not only understand them but to also predict behavior. Nerd alert!
The point is there is light or a fire inside of me. There’s a passion to right wrongs, fix things, and balance the scales. It’s always been there and to this day I still haven’t found a way to channel it sufficiently. Conversely there’s also a darkness inside of me that wants to be Batman or someone who stops people from committing injustices or rights the wrongs. The light side makes me cry at the evil of men and the dark side gives me passion and hatred for those who would be evil or who would commit evil acts.
Thankfully the light comes out in my actions and the dark comes out in my writing and art. I think this is the best way. I’m glad it’s not a switch because if someone turned the light out I’d probably pummel someone for being a jerk, like those 2 kids who mugged my co-worker. The chances of them getting caught are pretty low. It doesn’t seem fair sometimes. I wish they’d get theirs before someone else gets hurt or killed. Maybe that’s the darkness talking.
If you ever see me out there buying tights, a cape and talking to you in an extra scruffy voice you’ll know that I’ve finally snapped. For now we’ll leave the judging and crime fighting to entities above me on the food chain. For now I’ll leave the light on.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Emotional Days
I wrote this last Wednesday. It was a day after my sister's funeral and I was feeling a bunch of things. I wanted to let it out and to also chronicle what I was feeling at the time. This evening I looked it over and decided to share this with you.
So now I present "Emotional Days" 12-23-09 (originally written on 12-16-09):
I caught the bus and had less than 10 minutes to go until my stop. It was a stop I didn’t want to make but even if I didn’t jingle the cord and signal my forthcoming departure it would not matter. I could look out the window into the rainy night and watch that stop shrink into the distance but a family member would still be gone too soon and I would only have further to walk in the rain when I got off the bus.
When I made my way off I only had to walk a short block to the funeral home. When I thought about everything that awaited me in less than 5 minutes my eyes teared up a bit. Not only was I going to see someone I cared about in a way I didn’t want to see them, I was also going to see family who in some cases I hadn’t seen in over a decade. There was nervousness. There was sadness. There were tears. I thought of a famous Temptations song called “I Wish it Would Rain”. In the song David Ruffin sings how he wishes it would rain because the raindrops would hide his teardrops and no one would know he was crying. I thought about that song as the rain bounced off my face.
I composed myself as I hit the parking lot. I slowed down as I approached the building. I started to take deep breaths and I tried to relax the best I could considering everything that was going on in my mind. I wiped a combination of sweat and rain from my brow and walked inside. When I did I noticed a lot of people were there. I could feel beads of sweat starting to reform on my brow. My social anxiety was starting to appear a bit but this was bigger than me or my fears.
I sat down because sitting and being in one place absorbing the room makes me more comfortable in situations like these. By nature I’m a watcher and listener. At least that is when I am at my best. In those situations I am fairly calm and comfortable. When I am on my feet wandering about talking to various people I feel like I’m in a whirlwind. I don’t feel like I’m absorbing much because I feel like I’m caught in the rapids so to speak. Sometimes it’s fun to get out there, drift, say ridiculous things and be silly but in this situation my comfort levels, emotion and nervousness dictated that I find a place to sit and chill.
In only a minute of sitting there I began to see familiar faces. I’d stand up and hug a nephew, then another, then a niece, a brother, another brother, a sister and so it went. My fears and sadness over my sister’s passing faded just a bit and were replaced by warmth and love. Seeing a new person that I hadn’t seen in years brought a smile to my face each time. When a person came by and I looked at them and it registered and that moment came when I knew who it was I was tickled. There was so much warmth from everyone at such a cold moment in our lives. It was really touching.
When you really get the emotions going like that you can’t shut them off. You can’t say, oh okay this is over I’ll just start thinking about something else. So at the end of the viewing I didn’t want to go straight home. I couldn’t have gone straight home. I probably would have walked the neighborhood for an hour or two deep in thought, even on such a rainy night. I was thrilled when I was invited over to my brother’s house to hang out with the family.
When I arrived I was delighted to see so many of the more familiar faces I saw at the viewing. Plus there was delicious food and the Sabres were playing on my brother’s HDTV. I’ve hardly seen hockey on those televisions but when I do, what a treat! Between the game, the food and the catching up it strangely almost felt like a pleasant get together rather than a gathering for tragic reasons. Being around so many loved ones really helped to take some of the sting away. It wasn’t a thing that had any kind of staying power. It was a buzz and a happiness that would be gone a few hours later but that was no matter, for now I’d take it.
I caught a ride home and looked at the clock. It was after midnight. I had to get up at 7:30 to insure I’d be able to catch the 25 and make it down for the service by 9am. Now because I walked in a little after midnight it didn’t mean I could get to sleep right away. I was all wound up with emotions, good and bad and there was no way I could close my eyes and sleep at that point. I found a photo album and in there I had a few old pictures from the late 70’s when I was a wee lad. A couple photos were from Thanksgiving in 1979 and in them was nearly everyone in the family. My mom and dad were there. My niece, 2 sisters and at least 3 brothers were in the pictures. It was nearly everyone. As I looked upon those pictures I thought for a while about my sister who passed and I remembered as many things about her as I could.
Before I knew it, it was getting towards 2am. I was getting sleepy but I’m always someone who has trouble getting up when there is not at least 7 hours to sleep. Don’t get me wrong, most times I’d like to get up but often I will turn the alarm off and tell myself that I will rest for a few more minutes and then wake up an hour later. I would never forgive myself if such a thing happened on this morning so I set my alarm, then the alarm on my phone and then I set my television to turn on a minute after the phone went off. I thought that if the stress and anxiety alone didn't do the trick 3 alarms would surely be enough to get me up and active when I needed to be.
When morning came I woke up without a hitch despite getting only 5 hours of sleep. I rolled over and looked at the clock and saw that I woke up 10 minutes before the alarm was to go off. I shut off the alarm but then not to outsmart myself I got up and starting wandering around the apartment to ensure fully awake status. If I had shut off the alarm and then stayed in bed I might have fallen back asleep with only 2 secondary alarms left to wake me. I couldn’t take the chance.
Everything worked out and once again I was on the bus ride to the place. I felt a good deal of sadness but I kept thinking about those closest to her. Those people who would see her everyday and interact with her all the time. I thought about those who would miss her most of all. Needless to say, everyone there would be sad. Everyone there would be hurting but my heart went out to those who would hurt most.
When my father died I remember being at the funeral and seeing a great deal of people. I wondered who some of them were but in my grief I didn’t get around to talking to too many of them. In hindsight I wished I did. Since my dad was such a quiet man there were a lot of things I didn’t know about him, especially from the times when he was younger or before he met my mom. He would often tell Army stories when he was drunk but that was about it. He really kept to himself, even with family. So when I look back on it I wished I had heard more stories and met more people who knew him but when you are overcome with grief, anger, shock and you have other family to care about like my mom who was a wreck, it’s hard for the mind to overcome the emotion of the moment. I wondered if it would be this way for some of my relatives at this service.
I got off the bus at the same stop as before. Even though I visited this place the night before and the temperature was far lower then, I felt colder. I felt the chill of a final goodbye in my bones.
I made sure to arrive early to find a seat for the service and relax as best I could before the vast majority of people would arrive so I wouldn’t have to deal with my social anxiety. There weren’t too many people there when I walked in. I saw some relatives walking about with these blank expressions on their faces. I could only think they were deep in thought, memory, or maybe suppressing emotions or thinking about someone who wasn’t. I could feel the pain in the room and it was the first moment of many when my eyes watered and I felt the dull ache of loss.
I found a comfortable chair in close to the front but not too close. I sat down and occasionally I looked at the casket. I’m not someone who likes to look at those things. In fact I never approached it on either day. I can’t stand to see someone that way. After my dad’s viewing and funeral, that was it. I’m far too emotional and sensitive. I fear that my system could overload as it almost has on a few occasions and that is a scary feeling.
I was instead sitting 25 feet away still feeling the sorrow. I’d be okay one minute and watering up the next. When I’m in a group I tend to talk less than when I am with 1 or 2 people. I tend to fall back and become more sponge-like. I absorb whatever the feeling is around me and for the most part my sadness didn’t overcome me but whenever someone would lose it then the water in my eyes started to descend down my cheeks. It hurt me to see some in my family in so much pain. When they cried, I cried.
The range of emotion was heartbreaking. Some were incredibly sad, some angry, some temporarily distraught. My words really cannot do it justice. There was an invisible pendulum swinging throughout the ceremony. On one side there was the celebration of her life and joy for having known her, having been related to her and on the other hand was the sadness that came with the loss of her. I would smile, and then I would cry. The cycle was repeated throughout. It fills your heart and then tugs at it.
When it neared time to go I felt like I had let a lot out and had come to grips with what had occurred. I was at a loss at what to say to those who suffered the strongest. There are no words. All you can do is be there and hug someone if they needed to be hugged. Being there is the strongest statement that I could make.
In times of sadness sometimes we are privy to the kindness and generosity of others. This situation was no different. Many people I don’t even know donated food, time and other things to the family in their time of grief and this is admirable. After the funeral most of the mourners adjourned to a small reception at what I believe is called the Agustin “Pucho” Olivencia Community Center in downtown Buffalo near the ballpark. As I understand it the people there donated the space and food.
There were all kinds of snacks and some tasty food and sides to boot. I was in awe over the kindness that was showed. While there I was able to chat a little with family, pose for a few pictures and I even met a few people I had never met, or at least didn’t remember meeting when I was a kid.
One man I met was Rafael. He and his wife sat down at the table I was sitting at and I didn’t know who they were at first. Then someone came by and told him in Spanish that I was Ramon’s son. I was able to pick up bits and pieces of it even though they only spoke Spanish. Rafael was impressed with my size. My father was about 5’9” and maybe 130 pounds and me… well I’m a bit larger than that. :)
He called out to me in English and said “Hey, I knew your father”. This grabbed my attention immediately because as I mentioned earlier, there was much I didn’t know about him. He started to tell me about how he and my father used to drive back and forth between here and North Collins and he told me a little how they used to drink and have good times. I must have shaken his hand 3-4 times. I told him it was really a pleasure to meet him. Now that my father has been gone nearly 14 years I feel like the chances and opportunities to learn more about him are slipping away.
This reception felt like a celebration, not just of Wanda but of life and family. It’s kind of a sobering happiness. It’s a sunshine that comes after a storm, happiness that comes after pain and tragedy. I’m reminded that there is a bright side to everything; even the darkest of hours will give way to light once again. It’s not just a light but it’s a spark that occurs reminding us how precious life can be but also family.
Despite everything that has happened the past few days I am feeling okay. I have a lot of nice memories and a lot of respect for Wanda. I am very happy to have known her and to have called her sister. She made it through a lot of things that claimed lesser people and I cannot even fathom that kind of inner strength.
As the emotions have peaked and have slowly begun their descent back to normalcy my mind starts to weigh in and the feeling I have and the philosophical thought/debate going on inside reminds me of how I felt back when one of my brothers passed, when my father passed, my grandfather, and when my friend hung himself. It’s an inner debate that I cannot resolve especially at times like this. Do I cram as much life as I can into the moment or do I make every effort to extend my time on this earth? Is life so precious that I need to live it up or is life so precious that I need to be able to enjoy as much as possible which means making myself able to prolong it and have more of it to enjoy? In a crude way I am asking the age old question of quantity versus quality. One cannot help but to reflect on the meaning of life when they lose someone they cared for.
Getting back to it, now anyone with any measure of logic or wisdom would choose to live smartly and have as many good years as possible. Someone acting purely on emotion may choose to go bananas and live life to the hilt. What complicates what should be a black and white decision between two extremes is that there is a variable that I was reminded of this past week… you can go at any time.
It’s a scary scary thing to think about but it is true. With that in mind does it make you want to live like there’s no tomorrow? It’s tempting. Sometimes I think about saying screw it and getting a pizza, bucket of wings, cake, ice cream, 6-pack of sodas and eating until I pass out. Then when I wake up I’d go out and pick up a female and have a good time. Then I would spend beyond my means, think beyond my means and live beyond my means but feel incredibly alive. It would probably only last a short time. Would cramming all this life be the way to go? Perhaps it’s simply an illusion because I’m alive right now but I wonder if I could become more alive. Times like these when someone is taken from us too soon put these thoughts into my mind.
To be honest with you I live my life like it is a marathon. With the exception of my food weakness, I do everything slowly, carefully and with an obvious fear of my own mortality. I don’t want to go anywhere so you’ll never see me take big risks. I won’t drive a car 70 MPH. I won’t smoke. I won’t do drugs and I will rarely drink and when I do it’s going to be a moderate if not light amount. That’s me. I would like to be around to live, love and see the wonders of the future.
So maybe I’ve already answered whatever questions that are bouncing around in my mind. I suppose I’ve never left the path but of late it’s been hard to find my way during these emotional days.
So now I present "Emotional Days" 12-23-09 (originally written on 12-16-09):
I caught the bus and had less than 10 minutes to go until my stop. It was a stop I didn’t want to make but even if I didn’t jingle the cord and signal my forthcoming departure it would not matter. I could look out the window into the rainy night and watch that stop shrink into the distance but a family member would still be gone too soon and I would only have further to walk in the rain when I got off the bus.
When I made my way off I only had to walk a short block to the funeral home. When I thought about everything that awaited me in less than 5 minutes my eyes teared up a bit. Not only was I going to see someone I cared about in a way I didn’t want to see them, I was also going to see family who in some cases I hadn’t seen in over a decade. There was nervousness. There was sadness. There were tears. I thought of a famous Temptations song called “I Wish it Would Rain”. In the song David Ruffin sings how he wishes it would rain because the raindrops would hide his teardrops and no one would know he was crying. I thought about that song as the rain bounced off my face.
I composed myself as I hit the parking lot. I slowed down as I approached the building. I started to take deep breaths and I tried to relax the best I could considering everything that was going on in my mind. I wiped a combination of sweat and rain from my brow and walked inside. When I did I noticed a lot of people were there. I could feel beads of sweat starting to reform on my brow. My social anxiety was starting to appear a bit but this was bigger than me or my fears.
I sat down because sitting and being in one place absorbing the room makes me more comfortable in situations like these. By nature I’m a watcher and listener. At least that is when I am at my best. In those situations I am fairly calm and comfortable. When I am on my feet wandering about talking to various people I feel like I’m in a whirlwind. I don’t feel like I’m absorbing much because I feel like I’m caught in the rapids so to speak. Sometimes it’s fun to get out there, drift, say ridiculous things and be silly but in this situation my comfort levels, emotion and nervousness dictated that I find a place to sit and chill.
In only a minute of sitting there I began to see familiar faces. I’d stand up and hug a nephew, then another, then a niece, a brother, another brother, a sister and so it went. My fears and sadness over my sister’s passing faded just a bit and were replaced by warmth and love. Seeing a new person that I hadn’t seen in years brought a smile to my face each time. When a person came by and I looked at them and it registered and that moment came when I knew who it was I was tickled. There was so much warmth from everyone at such a cold moment in our lives. It was really touching.
When you really get the emotions going like that you can’t shut them off. You can’t say, oh okay this is over I’ll just start thinking about something else. So at the end of the viewing I didn’t want to go straight home. I couldn’t have gone straight home. I probably would have walked the neighborhood for an hour or two deep in thought, even on such a rainy night. I was thrilled when I was invited over to my brother’s house to hang out with the family.
When I arrived I was delighted to see so many of the more familiar faces I saw at the viewing. Plus there was delicious food and the Sabres were playing on my brother’s HDTV. I’ve hardly seen hockey on those televisions but when I do, what a treat! Between the game, the food and the catching up it strangely almost felt like a pleasant get together rather than a gathering for tragic reasons. Being around so many loved ones really helped to take some of the sting away. It wasn’t a thing that had any kind of staying power. It was a buzz and a happiness that would be gone a few hours later but that was no matter, for now I’d take it.
I caught a ride home and looked at the clock. It was after midnight. I had to get up at 7:30 to insure I’d be able to catch the 25 and make it down for the service by 9am. Now because I walked in a little after midnight it didn’t mean I could get to sleep right away. I was all wound up with emotions, good and bad and there was no way I could close my eyes and sleep at that point. I found a photo album and in there I had a few old pictures from the late 70’s when I was a wee lad. A couple photos were from Thanksgiving in 1979 and in them was nearly everyone in the family. My mom and dad were there. My niece, 2 sisters and at least 3 brothers were in the pictures. It was nearly everyone. As I looked upon those pictures I thought for a while about my sister who passed and I remembered as many things about her as I could.
Before I knew it, it was getting towards 2am. I was getting sleepy but I’m always someone who has trouble getting up when there is not at least 7 hours to sleep. Don’t get me wrong, most times I’d like to get up but often I will turn the alarm off and tell myself that I will rest for a few more minutes and then wake up an hour later. I would never forgive myself if such a thing happened on this morning so I set my alarm, then the alarm on my phone and then I set my television to turn on a minute after the phone went off. I thought that if the stress and anxiety alone didn't do the trick 3 alarms would surely be enough to get me up and active when I needed to be.
When morning came I woke up without a hitch despite getting only 5 hours of sleep. I rolled over and looked at the clock and saw that I woke up 10 minutes before the alarm was to go off. I shut off the alarm but then not to outsmart myself I got up and starting wandering around the apartment to ensure fully awake status. If I had shut off the alarm and then stayed in bed I might have fallen back asleep with only 2 secondary alarms left to wake me. I couldn’t take the chance.
Everything worked out and once again I was on the bus ride to the place. I felt a good deal of sadness but I kept thinking about those closest to her. Those people who would see her everyday and interact with her all the time. I thought about those who would miss her most of all. Needless to say, everyone there would be sad. Everyone there would be hurting but my heart went out to those who would hurt most.
When my father died I remember being at the funeral and seeing a great deal of people. I wondered who some of them were but in my grief I didn’t get around to talking to too many of them. In hindsight I wished I did. Since my dad was such a quiet man there were a lot of things I didn’t know about him, especially from the times when he was younger or before he met my mom. He would often tell Army stories when he was drunk but that was about it. He really kept to himself, even with family. So when I look back on it I wished I had heard more stories and met more people who knew him but when you are overcome with grief, anger, shock and you have other family to care about like my mom who was a wreck, it’s hard for the mind to overcome the emotion of the moment. I wondered if it would be this way for some of my relatives at this service.
I got off the bus at the same stop as before. Even though I visited this place the night before and the temperature was far lower then, I felt colder. I felt the chill of a final goodbye in my bones.
I made sure to arrive early to find a seat for the service and relax as best I could before the vast majority of people would arrive so I wouldn’t have to deal with my social anxiety. There weren’t too many people there when I walked in. I saw some relatives walking about with these blank expressions on their faces. I could only think they were deep in thought, memory, or maybe suppressing emotions or thinking about someone who wasn’t. I could feel the pain in the room and it was the first moment of many when my eyes watered and I felt the dull ache of loss.
I found a comfortable chair in close to the front but not too close. I sat down and occasionally I looked at the casket. I’m not someone who likes to look at those things. In fact I never approached it on either day. I can’t stand to see someone that way. After my dad’s viewing and funeral, that was it. I’m far too emotional and sensitive. I fear that my system could overload as it almost has on a few occasions and that is a scary feeling.
I was instead sitting 25 feet away still feeling the sorrow. I’d be okay one minute and watering up the next. When I’m in a group I tend to talk less than when I am with 1 or 2 people. I tend to fall back and become more sponge-like. I absorb whatever the feeling is around me and for the most part my sadness didn’t overcome me but whenever someone would lose it then the water in my eyes started to descend down my cheeks. It hurt me to see some in my family in so much pain. When they cried, I cried.
The range of emotion was heartbreaking. Some were incredibly sad, some angry, some temporarily distraught. My words really cannot do it justice. There was an invisible pendulum swinging throughout the ceremony. On one side there was the celebration of her life and joy for having known her, having been related to her and on the other hand was the sadness that came with the loss of her. I would smile, and then I would cry. The cycle was repeated throughout. It fills your heart and then tugs at it.
When it neared time to go I felt like I had let a lot out and had come to grips with what had occurred. I was at a loss at what to say to those who suffered the strongest. There are no words. All you can do is be there and hug someone if they needed to be hugged. Being there is the strongest statement that I could make.
In times of sadness sometimes we are privy to the kindness and generosity of others. This situation was no different. Many people I don’t even know donated food, time and other things to the family in their time of grief and this is admirable. After the funeral most of the mourners adjourned to a small reception at what I believe is called the Agustin “Pucho” Olivencia Community Center in downtown Buffalo near the ballpark. As I understand it the people there donated the space and food.
There were all kinds of snacks and some tasty food and sides to boot. I was in awe over the kindness that was showed. While there I was able to chat a little with family, pose for a few pictures and I even met a few people I had never met, or at least didn’t remember meeting when I was a kid.
One man I met was Rafael. He and his wife sat down at the table I was sitting at and I didn’t know who they were at first. Then someone came by and told him in Spanish that I was Ramon’s son. I was able to pick up bits and pieces of it even though they only spoke Spanish. Rafael was impressed with my size. My father was about 5’9” and maybe 130 pounds and me… well I’m a bit larger than that. :)
He called out to me in English and said “Hey, I knew your father”. This grabbed my attention immediately because as I mentioned earlier, there was much I didn’t know about him. He started to tell me about how he and my father used to drive back and forth between here and North Collins and he told me a little how they used to drink and have good times. I must have shaken his hand 3-4 times. I told him it was really a pleasure to meet him. Now that my father has been gone nearly 14 years I feel like the chances and opportunities to learn more about him are slipping away.
This reception felt like a celebration, not just of Wanda but of life and family. It’s kind of a sobering happiness. It’s a sunshine that comes after a storm, happiness that comes after pain and tragedy. I’m reminded that there is a bright side to everything; even the darkest of hours will give way to light once again. It’s not just a light but it’s a spark that occurs reminding us how precious life can be but also family.
Despite everything that has happened the past few days I am feeling okay. I have a lot of nice memories and a lot of respect for Wanda. I am very happy to have known her and to have called her sister. She made it through a lot of things that claimed lesser people and I cannot even fathom that kind of inner strength.
As the emotions have peaked and have slowly begun their descent back to normalcy my mind starts to weigh in and the feeling I have and the philosophical thought/debate going on inside reminds me of how I felt back when one of my brothers passed, when my father passed, my grandfather, and when my friend hung himself. It’s an inner debate that I cannot resolve especially at times like this. Do I cram as much life as I can into the moment or do I make every effort to extend my time on this earth? Is life so precious that I need to live it up or is life so precious that I need to be able to enjoy as much as possible which means making myself able to prolong it and have more of it to enjoy? In a crude way I am asking the age old question of quantity versus quality. One cannot help but to reflect on the meaning of life when they lose someone they cared for.
Getting back to it, now anyone with any measure of logic or wisdom would choose to live smartly and have as many good years as possible. Someone acting purely on emotion may choose to go bananas and live life to the hilt. What complicates what should be a black and white decision between two extremes is that there is a variable that I was reminded of this past week… you can go at any time.
It’s a scary scary thing to think about but it is true. With that in mind does it make you want to live like there’s no tomorrow? It’s tempting. Sometimes I think about saying screw it and getting a pizza, bucket of wings, cake, ice cream, 6-pack of sodas and eating until I pass out. Then when I wake up I’d go out and pick up a female and have a good time. Then I would spend beyond my means, think beyond my means and live beyond my means but feel incredibly alive. It would probably only last a short time. Would cramming all this life be the way to go? Perhaps it’s simply an illusion because I’m alive right now but I wonder if I could become more alive. Times like these when someone is taken from us too soon put these thoughts into my mind.
To be honest with you I live my life like it is a marathon. With the exception of my food weakness, I do everything slowly, carefully and with an obvious fear of my own mortality. I don’t want to go anywhere so you’ll never see me take big risks. I won’t drive a car 70 MPH. I won’t smoke. I won’t do drugs and I will rarely drink and when I do it’s going to be a moderate if not light amount. That’s me. I would like to be around to live, love and see the wonders of the future.
So maybe I’ve already answered whatever questions that are bouncing around in my mind. I suppose I’ve never left the path but of late it’s been hard to find my way during these emotional days.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Life is full of ups and downs (12-11-09)
When I first encountered the phrase “the roller coaster ride of life” I was afraid. First of all I am afraid of roller coasters so that phrase naturally had an uncomfortable feeling for me but when I really thought about it I didn’t like the idea of life moving so fast, going really high, then really low, side to side and for a loop. I don’t like to rush. I don’t like big loop de loops. I don’t like going 60 MPH in a car. That’s who I am. I’d rather avoid the twists and turns and live a life full of balance, loyalty, consistency and stability. I like to keep the surprises to a minimum but that’s not to say I won’t mix up things in daily life.
I’ll walk down a new street to get somewhere. I’ll be happy to try a new restaurant. I’ll impulse buy a t-shirt that I see online or at some little store. I’m not afraid of the kiddie coaster. Those are the kinds of twists and turns I like… little ones. I don’t know where my path leads but I cling to it and do everything I can to stay on it despite the allure that tempts me to leave it. I’m looking for comfort on my adventures if that makes sense.
As you might expect there are positives in living this way and there are some negatives too. You can decide what you think they are. I try not to get too high or too low but sometimes life knocks on your door and leaves a flaming bag of poop on your doorstep for you to stomp out. Other times it rings your doorbell and gives you flowers.
Ed note: At this point I was going to whine about the annoying parts of my day and rejoice in the beauty of the instant rebound. I was going to tell you about how my heater was not operational and how I was freezing this morning with my space heater keeping the apartment over 60 but not too comfy. I was going to add how I woke up late because I was hiding under the covers and disregarded time making me very late for work today.
I was going to continue with how listless I feel with my job and how I didn’t really care about being late because I knew the building was going to be freezing today. I took my time getting ready and I even stopped at the mini-mart on my walk into work to get cocoa because what’s a better partner to accompany me into a chilly place than a fistful of hot cocoa?
Unfortunately the mini-mart had a serious problem with their cash register. They had a modern computerized system that probably saved a ton of time and limited mistakes from what they must have had a decade earlier. Of course I tell you this because today is the day it comes crashing down. I’m standing there 3rd in line with a 24 oz. hot cocoa, an orange juice and a soda but I’m getting any closer because the register is freaking out. It won’t open, it won’t reset and it pretty much will not do anything.
A second worker arrives on the scene and offers advice and tries to help with the problem. It’s funny to me because everything he suggest the first guy already tried and he proceeds to swat the guy’s fingers away repeatedly… “I already tried that!” After about 5 minutes from the mini-mart comedy team the owner or at least the guy in charge arrives. Once again they attempt to do things that were already tried and sighs and the smacking of gums start to become more frequent. It almost became melodic. In fact in one space where it was really quiet I took a deep breath and sighed just to keep the music going.
Now I’m standing there for 15 minutes holding that cocoa and I won’t sip it because I haven’t paid for it yet but I have moved up to 2nd in line because one of the people in front of me gave up. Another pleaded with the cashiers by offering to give them extra cash for his coffee if he could leave but they wouldn’t allow it. After banging their heads against the wall for a while they basically treated the register like our internet connections. They unplugged it and then plugged it back in. It took a few more minutes but the register was fully operational once again. I got out of there after 15-20 minutes and realized I was incredibly late for work.
I was going to continue by telling you how I was feeling like poop for getting in so late and then right off the bat, before I can even take off my jacket someone mentions to me a problem that we had that I was responsible for. I don’t make many mistakes at work but if I do I get really angry with myself. I started to think this was the worst Friday in quite some time and it wasn’t even noon yet.
Not long after I arrived my cell phone rings and it’s a teacher friend of mine who was off of work again. He said, “Hey, you wanna get lunch over at India Gate?” At this point I had only been at work for a little over half an hour but the thought of yummy Indian food to break my mood was too tempting to refuse. I said yes and suddenly I was on my way to enjoy a nice lunch.
It was everything I hoped it would be. In the lunch buffet they had a chicken dish I like, some delicious squash and they even had strawberry mousse. I ate a nice amount and chatted with my friend about sports, life and the future. I went back to work with a smile on my face and Indian food smell absorbed into my clothes.
When I returned I discovered that an annoying task that would have been mine to do was given to someone else since I wasn’t around. My smile grew. Then I made a plan with a friend of mine to go out to see those Christmas movies next weekend I posted a few days ago. I finally got someone to come along! The day had made a 180 degree turn and suddenly everything was groovy and gravy, whichever one is better.
I was going to wax philosophical about the ups and downs of life and how the highest highs and lowest lows could happen in one single day. Then it happened…
At 3pm I went on my break and logged into facebook wondering what wacky things people were up to and then I see it. My nephew posted an RIP message about his Aunt. I scrolled down and then I saw what her daughter and my niece wrote. Then I reread it because sometimes we seem to think that if we reread bad news that it will be different that 2nd time. It wasn’t and this is how I found out that one of my older sisters was gone.
I started tearing up for many reasons. I had many good memories of her and I always looked upon her favorably. Unfortunately I hadn’t seen her in over a decade and I started to feel anger with myself over that. There was never any problems or anything like that, it was just after our father died in 1996 I went into a shell that I have not really come out of. Ever since our father passed I’ve dealt with deep personal things by not dealing. I’ve battled depression and stress. These were probably things that I should have shared with and battled with the rest of the family but I’m an idiot sometimes. The point is that I haven’t seen her in long time and I feel awful for it now that she’s gone. I hope she’s in a better place and is no longer in pain or suffering in any way.
Things like this happen and all my little troubles and games that I play with myself pale in comparison.
One of the things I learned about my father passing was that it’s okay to cry. It’s okay to let those things out. It’s important to let those things out. It’s important to let those things out with friends and family and it wasn’t a lesson I learned right away. It took many years after his death for me to learn that because I held everything in. For so long I carried the weight. I carried resentment, fear, anger and so many other things that aren’t healthy companions on my life’s path. I almost turned to the dark side.
When my friend committed suicide in 2003 I cried for days. I cried through the ceremony, and I hugged everyone I could. Afterwards we sat around and talked and talked and everything came out. While it ended up being a cathartic and positive experience it’s not a ride I ever wanted to take again. Now I realize that it is inevitable.
So how do I feel? How I feel right now is a combination of sadness and joy. I feel obvious sadness for someone who I knew, who I spent time with, who is family, who I cared about, who meant a great deal to others and who is now gone. On the other hand I want to feel an incredible joy for life because it has revealed itself to me yet again to be very precious indeed.
I want to hug all of my friends. I want to hug all of my family. I want to walk into the sunset with my eyes open and I want to walk into the moonlight with my eyes closed. I want to sit at the head of a table holding the most magnificent feast. I want to score a diving touchdown. I want to kiss a pretty female softly on the lips. I want to shovel my neighbor’s sidewalks and give ten dollar bills to those on the street digging through garbage cans for refundable recyclables. I want to dive headlong into a vat of milk chocolate. I want to read Christmas stories to little ones and listen to children explaining what they want for Christmas like Santa Claus. I want to surprise and provide. I want to compliment and reinforce. I want to give and share. I want to love and be loved. Most of all I want to live. RIP Wanda.
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