One more in the name of love…
Today is a weird anniversary for me. It was actually 11
years ago today I got out of what would be considered the last romantic relationship
I was in. Seems like a long time and it is but what’s really been a long time,
is how long it’s been since I really thought about it. After that last one
ended 11 years ago today, I went on more dates, probably a handful between then
and up to about 5 years ago so it wasn’t like I went cold turkey. Some first
dates, a few second ones. None of those panned out. Those are the breaks. There
were no sparks, no interest both ways, I scared them, they scared me, didn’t
click, whatever. It was occasional floundering until about 5 years ago. In the
last 5 years things have changed. I temporarily gave up. I did this because I
felt like I wasn’t where I needed to be and why get into a relationship when
you are stuck like this. So it became more than temporary. I began a dedicated
internal journey where I’ve been working on myself, maybe even trapped within
myself, with admittedly mixed results. With covid exacerbating my seclusion and
bad habits and then major health problems taking priority, my mind has been on
anything but dating for several years now. When you’re alone for a long time
and you enjoy solitude, you can get really comfortable… maybe a bit stagnant,
probably both. I dunno, but as the days and weeks and years go by, the thought of
being in another relationship seems like a dream from a lifetime far away but
it also sounds inconvenient. It feels like it would really infringe on my
routine, my peace, my comfort levels. I know, life begins outside of your
comfort zone. I actually said that on stage at the Drake Hotel in Toronto when I won a
Toronto Poetry slam 6 years ago this week. They asked me to come up on stage
and say something brief to the crowd after I had won. The first thing I could
think of was, how the hell am I on a stage in Toronto baring my soul? It’s true, life does
begin outside of your comfort zone but sometimes you do have to pick your
spots. If you lived outside of your comfort zone all the time, you don’t have
one. Anyway, my personal issues aside, I’ve been reminded of all of this today and
I’ve been reflecting on every relationship I’ve ever had on this anniversary of
the end of the last one. In the spirit of the legendary Rob Gordon, owner of
Championship Vinyl and Top Five Records, I’ve decided to make a list of every
relationship I ever had, what happened and what I learned from each. I’m taking
stock of a lovelife that feels like a lifetime ago. I don’t actually expect
anyone to read this but I am posting this here and on my blog site for my own
benefit. Maybe in 10 years, some of these memories won’t be as clear. Plus it’s
fun to me to take an inventory of my romantic life, what I learned, how I
failed, where I succeeded. Time for a haunting.
The Ghosts of Relationships Past…
These are the top 10 relationships of my life. Of course,
there’s only been 10 ever in my life and about half of them were pretty short
lived and/or during a young age, so I’m really stretching it, but I’ve learned
something from all of them. I will do this unconventionally. I’m not gonna rank
these by impact or favorites, I’m gonna list them chronologically. Also, I’m
not gonna use real names because I am still friends with some of these women
and I’m not doing this to out anyone, I just wanna talk about the experiences
from my end.
1. The first one was A. This was in grade school. My parents
were best friends with her parents and it seemed like we were destined to be
together. Everybody saw it and everyone wanted it. Her parents were my
godparents. All the signs were there. We were the same age and she adored me.
My problem was that I wasn’t completely into girls yet. To me GI Joe and
Transformers or playing sports in the neighborhood were my highest priorities.
She was really pretty though and she was my first kiss. I was terrified by it
at the time, but looking back on it she was really sweet. When we reached
junior high she moved away with her family and we never spoke again. I always
wondered what happened to her as she was such a sweet person. This was one of
the first times, before I heard Joni Mitchell, where I learned you don’t know
what you’ve got til it’s gone. But as the next one on the list will show,
people don’t always stay how you remember them.
2. Next was M. I had known her from grade school but things
didn’t progress until junior high. I had hated her up until that point because
she was the student with the highest average in the school ahead of me. I was a
distant second to her and she wasn’t shy about reminding me. Competing against
her actually made me try. If I got a 98 and she got a 100, I’d be so upset.
She’d come by and ask me, oh which one did you get wrong, maybe I can help you
with that. Her delivery was nice but I could see the glimmer of evil in her
eyes. But in junior high something changed. She wasn’t trying as hard or doing
as well and neither was I. We weren’t the top 2 smartest anymore, now both just
better than average. I don’t know why it changed for her but I was far more
distracted, trying to hang out with the cool kids and being more of a
troublemaker than I had ever been. I think we bonded over our declines and
period of trying to figure it all out. We had an on again off again thing until
high school. That was when we grew apart, she went to one school, I went to
another. About 2 years later she remembered where I lived and randomly came to
my house. She looked rough. She had gained considerable weight. She had acne
everywhere. She seemed a bit out of it. We talked for a bit but it was obvious
we were going in different directions. Later that year the gossip got to me
that her home life was really messed up and she was on drugs. She must have
been around 15. Up until that point in my life, she was the smartest, nerdiest
kid I had ever met and she had fallen so far. If the one person who I would’ve
bet on getting out of the neighborhood and succeeding could falter… it made me
wonder what chance I had. I never heard from her or about her again but I
always hoped she had found her way. Knowing her taught me about judgment and
how someone’s path can dramatically change depending on their decisions. Even
the smartest person can make bad choices.
3. N was someone I met my sophomore year in high school. She
lived down the block and we bumped into each other enough times. I wasn’t
interested in her at first but word got to me that she liked me so suddenly I
was interested. She had always seemed nice. My best friend at the time lived
with his mom, a nurse who worked the overnight shift. So on many weekends, I’d
stay overnight and my parents never knew we were unsupervised. We’d try to get
booze, sometimes successful, often not and either rent movies from Video
Factory or do stupid stuff outside. We were 16 and not the brightest. Sometimes
we would have girls over to his place, N would come by with her friend and we’d
watch movies and make out in the dark. I’m pretty sure her friend didn’t much
like my friend but went along so N and I could be together. I gave her my high
school football jacket, which she wore around at school for weeks and that was
a whole new level of commitment for me. Despite that, things had not gotten too
far until one night. It was the same old deal, N and her bestie came over to my
friend’s house while his mom worked. The two of us were alone in a bedroom and
she wanted to take that next step. As a 16 year old with no experience in such
matters I was ill prepared… no protection. She still wanted to proceed. The
decision was maddening. Here I was a 16 year old boy and you know how they are,
and here was my 15 year old girlfriend who wanted sex. The fact that it would
be my first time was huge, but to go at it, in such a reckless matter just
didn’t feel like the right decision. I was stunned that there was any blood
left for my brain to function. I couldn’t do it. It wasn’t even about the whole
‘first time” thing, this just seemed like a really big deal and shouldn’t be
treated in such a cavalier manner. I still think about this night sometimes. My
pants never came off, I remember the Prince classic, “The Ballad of Dorothy
Parker”… I took that bubble bath with my pants on. Not going through with it
changed our relationship dramatically, things deteriorated after that. I don’t
know if she felt like I rejected her but she probably did. I didn’t know how to
communicate how I felt, that it was too soon and unprotected sex wasn’t the
way. A few days later she gave me back my jacket. A few weeks later we stopped
seeing each other. Shortly after she hooked up with the biggest douche in the
neighborhood, a guy who loved to bully me when he was with 4-5 of his friends
and when I would be alone. I wondered if she hooked up with him to get back at
me. I hated that guy but I wasn’t jealous. I felt bad for her. Then she quickly
got pregnant. I lost track of her for a good 6-7 years and we bumped into each
other at a mall. She didn’t last very long with the douche but she had that
kid. She had just started nursing school after a few years of being out of
school to focus on being a mom. I left with the feeling she was going in the
right direction after getting derailed for a time by that decision. I learned
that for as stupid as I was at the time, I was smarter than I thought. I also
learned a bit about peer pressure. By not going through with it I lost my
girlfriend and had my friends in my ear the rest of the year making fun of me
for turning down sex but at least I wasn’t a 16/17 year old dad.
4. Shortly after N, I moved on to A. She was the prettiest
girl in the neighborhood. She had developed physically at an early age and
looked like she could have been a busty Hooters waitress at 14. She had been
with a guy in the neighborhood for a long time and he was super protective of
her. Despite her living almost right across the street from me, I wouldn’t talk
to her other than just a brief hello due to the fact she was with someone but
also because I didn’t want to get mixed up with her paranoid boyfriend. A year
passed and they finally broke up but stayed friends. He hovered over her all
the time despite not being with her anymore. I noticed that she started walking
by my house more and more and she always said hi to me when I was sitting on my
porch. She’d even stop and talk a bit which never happened before. Considering
how she looked I couldn’t help but be interested. The timing was excellent. The
overbearing ex-boyfriend went away for the summer. Within a day or two A and I
were spending a lot of time together. She was nice, soft spoken. She was humble
despite being the target of every guy in the neighborhood. We went for long walks
often and discussed life. She was sheltered and was eager to expand her wings
and grow. She had dreams beyond the neighborhood. She wore bifocals and I
remember how sometimes I would try to be suave and sensually remove them before
going in for a passionate kiss. Things went well for a few months although we
didn’t engage in sex either. I think it was during the time I dated A that I
found out N got pregnant and I was spooked. I knew so little about sex that I
was afraid to go there, even with protection after that wake up call. Then the
summer ended and the ex-boyfriend returned. He was livid she was dating me.
Somehow he found out that A and I had not had sex and he would brag to me
ruthlessly about how many times he did it with her. There was lots of passive
aggressive behavior by him, then it became aggressive behavior. Through all of
it A didn’t speak up, didn’t really do anything. It was almost she was inclined
to sit back and let us fight over her. This was a big turn off to me. Why can’t
you tell him to get lost and that you’re with me now? I broke things off and
even though we lived on the same block, I barely ever said another word to her.
I remember about a year later when I was about to start my senior year of high
school she passed my house one day with a baby bump. This was becoming a common
occurrence in my neighborhood. At least it wasn’t with that overbearing ex. She
moved away right after giving birth and I never saw her again. This
relationship taught me that I want nothing to do with drama. Sometimes it’s
unavoidable, but if you can avoid it… do everything you can to do so.
5. I met L during senior year of high school. I was a
football player, she was a cheerleader. She reminded me of someone out of a
John Hughes movie but probably a little more Claire than Allison though. She
enjoyed being popular and had a little edge to her which made me like her more.
For a while I wondered if she was too stuck up or conceited. I heard through
the grapevine that she thought I was cute. Well it just so happened I thought
she was cute. We had our first date at Pizza Hut. She wasn’t shy about eating 2
slices and I thought that was cool. She had a mindset that was above the
typical high schooler. She talked about plans and ambitions. Frankly most
people in my school and neighborhood talked about surviving, or just getting a
high school diploma. She had a snarky side which was new and fun to me. I was
smitten. One day she got sick and had to go home from school. The next day she
stayed home again, still sick so I skipped out of school for a hour or so and
made my friend who had a car skip out too just to bring her a poem and some
flowers. I felt like Lloyd Dobler holding up those flowers outside her door. I
was really into her but I could feel that while she was somewhat into me, she
was hesitant, not sure. In hindsight I think she was disappointed that I didn’t
have a plan or as much figured out as she did. After a few months she broke it
off with me. Never told me why. I was a sad panda. This was the first time I
had ever been dumped. I wrote poems about how her how her hugs were empty and
her kisses lied. It was my last high school relationship and I got crushed. I
ran into L a few years later and she actually came over to me at the Galleria and
we chatted for a few minutes. It was civil and she was nice and seemed
interested in how I was but because she hurt me deeply I was reluctant to
really reconnect or anything like that. I learned about rejection big time with
that one but I also learned that if you are on the fence about someone, you
like them and are kinda into them but it’s not going anywhere, don’t string
them along. I thought about how much getting dumped hurt and I decided from
then on, I would do my best to never do that to someone else. If I wasn’t into
them as much as they were into me, I’d tell them, be honest, break things off
if needed and not use someone for sex or selfish reasons.
6. J was someone I knew in high school. She was to that
point one of the prettiest girls I had ever seen. She had a great smile. She
was on the swim team and I played football in the fall and then was on the
track and field team in the spring so we saw each other quite a bit in the
gym/pool area of the school. I crushed on her hard but once I found out she was
in a relationship, I kept my distance. I kept tabs on her though because if she
ever broke up with him, I really wanted to be next in line. It turned out a
breakup never came and I graduated and started at Buffalo State
the next year. I bumped into her out in public somewhere and she remembered me.
That smile was irresistible. She was a senior in high school and was a year
younger than me and was cuter than ever. While we caught up she revealed that
she was single and how she was tired of high school boys. Ding ding ding! I
asked her out and we began dating. I didn’t notice it at first, probably
because she was gorgeous and had been the apple of my eye for such a long time,
but I began to notice cracks in the masterpiece. It was becoming clear to me
she wasn’t always that nice. I thought maybe she was going through some things,
having some bad days. I rationalized her behavior. I tried to be open and be
there for her because I thought it would help. I wanted to be supportive. It
didn’t take too long to realize, the nicer and more supportive I was trying to
be, the more she took advantage and manipulated me. Finally it dawned on me…
she was just not a nice person. She was so beautiful looking, but her soul was kinda
ugly. One day we just stopped talking to each other. I was going to break it
off with her but I never heard from her again. Maybe she was going to break it
off with me. I guess we both felt it. What a clean breakup that turned out to
be. The big lesson here was not to judge a book by its’ cover. I was so smitten
with her looks that when I actually looked inside, I did not like what I saw. This
made me appreciate someone’s personality more than I ever thought about. It
also taught me about sex and attraction with how even the hottest body did
nothing for me if the personality was trash.
7. During that first year of college I met M. Not to be
confused with the previous M on this list, this was a different person
entirely. Her kindness caught my eye. We had a class together. I saw how she
carried herself, how she related to others. I bumped into her outside of class
one day and introduced myself. We had a nice friendly banter for 10 minutes but
we each had somewhere else to be. As the year went on, we ran into each other
several times and would always have a good but brief conversation. She was the
first blonde haired woman I ever liked. I’d always been attracted to dark
haired women, but M’s blond waves bordering on curls were intoxicating. She was
tall and eventually I found out she was mixed like I was, Puerto Rican and
white. I knew there was something. Just seeing her on campus would bring a huge
smile to my face. We even studied together a few times which might have been
the only times I studied at all that semester. She was dating someone at the
time, so I was respectful. We talked about class, about movies, music, life in
general. We discussed our backgrounds. She came from a poor family too so we
kind of got each other in that way. That first year of college ended. We
exchanged phone numbers to stay in touch over the summer or whenever. I didn’t
take that seriously since she was still with her long-term high school
boyfriend. Then one summer night she called. She had a nasty breakup with him
and was deeply hurt. She needed a friend so I was one. We talked on the phone
almost every night for a while. We got together a few times, held hands, held
each other. I was really crazy about her but she was devastated by her breakup.
One moment she’d be great and the next a pile of sad goo. I did not want to
take advantage and I didn’t think it wise to start something serious so soon
afterwards but when she kissed me, I didn’t exactly resist. For about a month
we talked every other night and when we got together her crystal blue eyes
intoxicated me. As the summer was drawing to a close she was getting better and
then one day she called to tell me she was transferring to a college in North Carolina. There were
2 reasons for this, 1-she wanted to get away from everything and apparently I
wasn’t a significant enough reason to stay and 2- She wanted to be a theology
major and this school had a great program. She had family down there she could
stay with and she was leaving very soon. That knocked the wind right out of me.
I felt used. We opened up so much to each other or so I thought because apparently
this was brewing in her head and she never mentioned it until the decision was
made. We’d only ever kissed at night during those times we were together and it
felt apropos. Kisses in the moonlight were a perfect metaphor for whatever it
was we had because when the lights came on, she was gone. That one hurt a lot,
not only because I really liked her but because she blindsided me and made me
felt like a tool she used to help her through a bad time and then was easily
discarded when she didn’t need me anymore. She was the first person I had
envisioned a future with, like a person I could end up with. I saw her one more
time the following summer. She came home for break I guess and I saw her at a
Canadian nightclub. We still went to Canada because 2 of the 3 people in
my group were still only 20. She was 20 as well. She was on the floor dancing
with 2 female friends and she looked sexy as hell. She spotted me during the
song and when it ended she came over and gave me a monster hug. Once again she
caught me completely by surprise. I was disoriented. I had some things I wanted
to say but the moment was happening faster than I could process it. She was
flirty but I was awkward. Within 15 minutes she left the place with her
friends. I regretted not really saying much to her, like was she only in town
for summer break, did she move back? Did she ever think of me? I lost touch
with her for a long time until a few years back. I heard she got married and
moved down south. I decided to look her up on facebook, just out of curiosity
and what I found was that she was now a hardcore right winger. To be honest, even
20-something years ago that was something about her that scared me, how she was
really bright but at the same time a hardcore Christian. What I mean was, she
could be very opened minded about some things but the complete opposite about
others. I didn’t care about politics or big picture stuff like that back then
so it didn’t set off any warning bells but maybe it was for the best that one
didn’t work out. What I learned from M was to trust my instincts. You should
follow your heart whenever possible, but if your brain decides to chime in, you
better listen.
8. I met H at work. She was a cool, kickass individual who
was easy to talk to. At first I wasn’t into her but the more I got to talk to
her, the more she grew on me. I didn’t even think she was attractive at first
but the more I got to know her, the cuter she got. She had a great sense of
humor and she was smart, both in terms of being intelligent and have a smart
mouth. A simple 2-hour conversation with her was so much fun. Suddenly
something happened and I fell head over heels in a way I never have. The timing
this time was off as soon as I fell for her she then started dating a colleague
at work. A bunch of painful weeks followed until she broke it off with him. Normally
I keep my distance when someone is in a relationship and I try to give them
time after a recent breakup but I was uncharacteristically inpatient and I put
my cards on the table and it worked. We had a nice thing for while but she had
to move away for an internship. We stayed together but eventually being in
separate places took its’ toll. I was willing to stick it out through anything
but the distance wore her down and I think she became bored with me. It wasn’t
enough. She seemed to want more. The distance between us began to exist on the
phone as well and as quickly as it ignited, the fire was put out. This one
taught me a lot about myself. It taught me that beauty comes from more places
than I expected. It taught me how to really love, that I was capable of real love
and I learned what I was willing to give. I would have done anything for her.
It destroyed me when it became obvious she would not do the same. It was also
the biggest heartbreak of my life.
9. It took several years to really get back in the game but
then S came along. She was a friend of a friend and she was attracted to me
instantly. We met in a large group of people but I noticed her immediately. It
wasn’t that I noticed her in a whoa, who is that kind of way, but more in a
whoa I think this person is into me kind of way. I could definitely feel her
interest. It wasn’t too long before I was into her as well as she was very
pretty, with kind eyes and a smile that could light up a tough room, plus she
was a bit of an old soul to boot. She was mixed in a way similar to how I’m
mixed and that always gets me. I think that was a major point of attraction for
her too. I got together with her several times but I was reluctant to move
forward because she had just gotten out of a very serious thing right before
she met me. I could tell there were still feelings there. She was very
interested in me but I had to wonder how genuine it was considering the place
she was in. I looked at her and thought she’d be a very loving companion, you
could just tell… the kind of person who doesn’t mess around when they commit to
you and the kind of person who would be so sweet and spoil their partner in
many ways. Wondering if she was really over her ex was one thing but eventually
I came to find out we were different in important ways. S was also deeply
religious, something I am not. In my eyes, her religion would make her look
painfully naïve and silly at times. It wasn’t easy to ignore. It made me wonder
if I could be with someone long term who might not be open minded. She checked
so many boxes, was gorgeous, great smile, funny, nice, artzy, jazzy, reserved, great
energy, easy to talk to. But going back a few spots on this list was M and the
big lesson M taught me was to trust my instincts. So I did. And shortly after I
stopped seeing her, S got back together with the ex and eventually got married
so apparently it worked out well for her. Maybe in another life.
10. I met G thru online dating. She was pretty in a subtle
way. What I mean is, if you walked into a coffeeshop and took a look around she
would not be the first person you’d notice. But if you sat with her and had
just a 5 minute conversation it would quickly dawn on you that she was damn
attractive. She was mysterious and guarded but very friendly. We got together
for coffee and talked for nearly 3 hours. They kicked us out because it was
closing time. We closed down the coffeeshop… you’d think that was a great sign,
at least I did. We were great at conversation but we really were really lacking
elsewhere. She reminded me of L (#5) a little bit in that she really seemed to like
to spend time with me but it didn’t feel right. She seemed like someone who
wanted to be in a relationship and loathed to be alone but I couldn’t help but
feel like I was someone she settled for because she didn’t couldn’t be alone and
that’s not a good feeling. After a nice start, the air was let out of the
balloons rather quickly. It was like looking at a match that looks good on
paper or on a webpage versus how it worked in practice. Things slowed down and
suddenly we were only talking a few times a week. I could feel her interest
waning. One day I sent her a text and she never answered so I never sent
another. Neither did she. It was like we both realized it wasn’t there but
didn’t actually discuss it. We just let it fade away. When I came across her
profile on the dating site I was enamored but fast forward a few months, it
didn’t mean much. Great on paper doesn’t translate to great in person. I
learned the value of sparks. Sometimes someone checks all the boxes but doesn’t
rock the casbah, so to speak. I hope someone rocks yours. I sent her that last
text she never responded to 11 years ago today. I’m still waiting for cupid to
respond.
