Mind on a diet (2-10-14)

I’ve always been an emotional person. When I get happy, I get really happy. When I get sad, I get really sad. It’s who I am. I am the farthest thing from a robot. I’m too hot to handle and too cold to hold, you know like Bobby Brown except without the drug problem. Nearly everything can make me laugh… or cry. It depends on where my mind is. When I think about when I am happy versus when I am sad it really is very simple. It boils down to one thing: When I’m happy I’m usually living in the moment, when sad I’m usually living in the past.

When I am living in the now, I am carefree, light hearted and light on my feet. It’s easy for me to move and to go in any direction I want. My confidence is good and I feel like I can accomplish nearly anything. When I am living in the past I am burdened by the pain of things that happened, that didn’t happen and all the regrets. My heart is heavy, my mind is heavy and it is not easy for me to move or go in any direction at all. My confidence falters and I feel useless. I get stuck. It can happen to anyone, weigh them down with enough baggage and they aren’t going to be moving very fast, or at all. They’ll get stuck too. That’s what baggage does, it slows you down, it limits you and after a while, it makes you want to stop trying to move in any direction. You get tired of carrying it. You know it’s a hindrance but you also think you NEED to carry it all. It's yours. My mind has grown very heavy and very weary of carrying all this baggage around. My mind needs to get leaner. My mind has to go on a diet.

I need to think of my mind as a zombie survival kit. If there was a zombie apocalypse I would grab a backpack and fill it with things I need. If I took everything I found, the pack would get very heavy, fill up and I’d move a lot slower. It might even jeopardize my chances for survival. The point is, I’d have to prioritize. If I only have so much space and I can only bring certain things, wouldn’t I want to bring the things I truly need with me. Why would I want to bring along regret when I could bring hope instead? Why would I want to lug around the heavy burden of failure when I could pack something lighter, like courage? The old me would carry every mistake, every failure, every burden and all the pain. He’d choose to carry it and then whine about carrying it. He’d focus on all the people who are no longer in his life and all the love lost than all the wonderful people and the love he has right now. The new me is going to choose not to carry anything more than I need going forward. I need to live the life I write about in my poems… and not look back.

Whenever I start down a new path the past always calls to me. I stop and look over my shoulder and acknowledge it. The past never stops talking and if I never stop listening what ends up happening is I don’t go anywhere. I need to move so far down the path that the voices of the past can no longer be heard. This requires not listening when the past calls to me. This requires moving on. There’s a difference between honoring the past and humoring it. I’m not laughing anymore.

It’s a journey I’ve tried to make many times… a journey to be free of the doubt, the negativity and my worst insecurities. Why do I think I can succeed this time? I’m trying new ideas, new methods that I’ve never tried before. I’m not talking about fad diets and quick fixes. I’m talking about changing the way I think, the way I live. My life depends on it. I think I'm more willing than I've ever been to take that next step. Plus as added incentive, this time I have an angel behind me ready to give me a kick in the can whenever I need one. If I have a setback, a relapse or allow any of that old negativity to try to influence the new me she’s there to kick my butt until I’ve progressed to the point where I can do my own butt kicking or not require any at all. With my evolution, combined with the support of those close to me I will shed all those unwanted pounds whether we are talking about my waistline or my mind. The rest will take care of itself. My mind and body will both be lean, toned and ready to battle anything that gets in its’ way, even if it has to battle me. This time I will win. Edwin. 

Heart on a diet (2-10-14)

All this talk of sweethearts, couples and valentines... it’s that time of year again. This is the last obstacle for me to get past what is always a depressing period. It’s a period of time that is wrought with sadness and cravings. For someone who has traditionally been a comfort eater, it’s also a dangerous time. It starts at Thanksgiving. I begin to miss the family I grew up with… while it wasn’t always an ideal situation; it was always a comfort to know that at the very least I had love in the room with me. After Thanksgiving the longing starts and the holes begin to open. They are hollow inside. It gets worse by Christmas. I see all the movies, the commercials, the activity around me. It feels like the world is moving twice as fast as I. Maybe it’s because when you have someone you move with the purpose of two. On New Years it reaches its’ peak where the loneliness is ready to swallow me whole. There is no midnight kiss, only old acquaintances that I cannot forget or new ones I’ve never met. Afterwards, I’m left with a hangover of pain that stays with me for a few weeks. Things seem to be getting back to normal. The tides appear to be headed back out to sea but then that one last giant wave of suffering crashes into me. It’s called Valentine’s Day.

I haven’t held someone in my arms on Valentine’s Day in 11 years. Perhaps it's bad luck, bad timing but sometimes I feel like it’s hopeless. I’ve had so many missed opportunities, so many rejections and part of me wants to reconcile and accept whatever time I have left as time that will be spent alone. It would be easier than hurting or getting hurt 10 times out of 10. It seems I always want what’s beyond my reach but I don’t care how lonely I get, how horny, how needy, I cannot settle. I can’t settle for a casual fling or a placeholder. I can’t settle for a stepping stone or a fix. I need so much more than that. I need what’s in the stories, the movies, even the commercials. Hell, I probably need more than that too. Today I saw an ad for a teddy bear company that sells 4-foot teddy bears. They say they will guarantee delivery by Valentine’s Day. I look in the mirror and I see a 6 foot 3 teddy bear, an “Eddie bear” that will also guarantee delivery by Valentine’s Day… call now. An operator is standing by.

This is going to be a tough week.