As I rode my bike down to Allen Street for my first
Infringement Festival show of this year the usual pre-show nerves were kicking
in. I had low expectations for this show but that didn’t mean I wasn’t nervous.
I’m always nervous. That part of my mind that was too afraid to get on the
stage for most of my life is still inside of me. It still tries to communicate.
It still doubts and worries and sometimes tries to talk me out of commitments.
I think it means well. I think it’s just trying to protect me from
disappointments, embarrassment and pain but as I’ve gotten older and more
confident in my abilities as both a person and an artist I’ve learned when and
where to take that voice into consideration. After all, it’s a bit
overprotective.
But my concerns about this show were real. I was performing
at a clothing boutique I knew very little about. It was at the edge of Allen
where Wadsworth meets it. I knew there’d be a lot of people at the College Street
Block Party down the street but I had no idea if anyone would be checking out
my out of the way show. I thought; I’d probably have at least a few friends
there so it won’t be all bad.
I reached Allen, locked up my bike and went over to Picasso
Moon to meet their staff and let them know I was there. I looked over at Days
Park and there wasn’t anything going on so I wouldn’t be able to get any audience
from there. Next door at The Bend there was a rock band playing and all the
doors were propped open making it very loud as I stood in front of Picasso
Moon. I remember thinking that it was a good thing I was performing inside.
Maybe we’d have to close the door so the audience could hear me clearly.
I walked in and saw a few customers looking through the
clothing and accessories. It wasn’t a small store but there wasn’t a lot of
space in there because there were a lot of items. I wondered where exactly I
was going to be performing. I walked towards the guy behind the counter. He
told me his name was Lindsey and by the way he talked, I sensed he owned or ran
the store. I let him know who I was and with some warmth and a big smile he
made me feel welcome. He told me the stage was outside and I went out to see
what he was talking about because I guessed I had missed it on the way in.
I stepped outside and saw what he was talking about. It was
a little one person stage with maroon fabric curtains and a sign that read “Infringement
Stage”. It was adorable but I wasn’t sure if I would perform on it due to it
being small (I have a hard time standing still when I read) and the fact that
it was kind of facing Days Park more than Allen. If anything I’d perform on the
sidewalk right in front or next to it. In the meantime it was 6:40 and I had 20
minutes to sit, wait and really get nervous!
I pulled out my poetry folder and took out the 7 poems I was
going to perform. I started going through them and making minor adjustments
here and there because no poem is ever truly finished and I’d pop my head up
every so often to see if any familiar faces were approaching. The weather was
cool and pleasant and I thought about the dynamic of performing right on the
street, or sidewalk as it were. With the exception of one time 3 years ago I’ve
never performed outside in public and that one time, I read one poem on a
corner for 3 friends when no one else was around. This was different. Anyone
who was walking by the high foot traffic area could stop and listen. I reminded
myself to be aware of my surroundings because although I didn’t think there
were any curses in any of the pieces I would be performing in a matter of
minutes, if some little ones walked by, I didn’t want to say anything
objectionable or even suggestive in their presence. Call me old fashioned but I
care about the kids’ ears.
After being lost in my mind going through scenarios good and
bad I looked at the time… it was 5 minutes to 7pm. Five minutes to show time
and there was NO ONE there! That little voice I talked about at the beginning
really began to get loud inside my head. What if no one shows? Should I still
perform? And if I perform, should I do all 7 pieces and use the full half hour?
It wasn’t like anyone was coming up after me. In fact there wasn’t anyone
before me and that’s why I had low expectations to begin with. I was doing a stand-alone
show and without a lead-in or a performance following mine it was entirely on
me to draw a crowd.
When I first started reading poetry crowds were easy to come
by. There was a novelty to it. Ed, who is shy and private actually going up and
spilling out his soul… it needed to be seen and it was. Some early open mic
appearances 2 years ago could generate 5, 6 or even 10 friends coming down to
see it. My first Infringement show in 2011 had something like 40 people there. I
felt so lucky. But when I think about the pieces I performed that day as
opposed to now I cringe. I’m now 5 times the poet that I was then. My
confidence and presence have improved as well as my writing and while my pieces
are as sharp as they’ve ever been I still maintain that same relativity,
vulnerability and accessibility that all those early pieces had, if not more so
now. The fact that no one really comes out to hear me read anymore hurts a bit
and on the cusp of my first Infringement show of the year it was hurting a lot.
So here I was, just moments from performing a show I’ve
looked forward to for months in front of this strange place, performing outside
for really the first time and there was no audience whatsoever and this band
was rocking hard and loud next door. I began to despair. Am I supposed to be some
kind of poet pied piper? I read and then they’ll come. Who would hear me unless
they were passing directly by? The voice inside was still telling me to escape.
To get the hell out of there, grab some ice cream, and to paraphrase one of my
pieces, get a 3-way going with Ben and Jerry.
My emotions fuel my poetry but they can also influence me
negatively. When the time came to begin and no one had arrived. I just wanted
to run away and hide and never come out again, embarrassed and hurt to degrees
of which I haven’t been in a long time. But that emotion, while it can hinder
me, also makes me the person and the poet that I am and I’ve used it, not only
to become a good poet but also to get through moments like this one.
In the 3 years I’ve been a poet, I’ve learned so much and
come so far. One of the most important things I’ve learned along the way came
from the old Caffé Aroma open mic days and 80-something year old poet Al Felix.
He told me to do it for myself. That if I’m not doing it for my own benefit that
I’ll never be that great of a poet nor will I enjoy myself. Then I thought of
Bukowski who said that if it isn’t bursting out of you, in spite of everything,
don’t do it! Well it is bursting out of me. Since I opened the dam, it has
definitely come bursting through and the longer this journey goes, the stronger
the flow seems to get. The flow is bursting with heartbreak, setbacks, losses, dreams,
hope, admiration and so much more. The bottom line is I’ve come too far to let
a crowdless crowd stop me now. I would wait til a little after 7 in case people
were having parking issues and then I would read. I wouldn’t read all 7 pieces,
maybe 3 or 4 and then reevaluate from there.
Then right at 7 a great omen occurred… the band next door at
the Bend stopped playing. I guess they were done. A minute after that a ray of
light approached in the form of my friend from work and 2 of his friends a
block away on Allen and getter closer. So I had 3 people coming. 3 is
definitely better than zero! When they arrived I was very happy to see them.
They were surprised when I told them I was performing out in front of the
store. I told them I’d start in a few as I wanted to give anyone else who was
coming from as far away as they did (they parked near Delaware Ave.) a chance
to make it down.
It was nearing ten after 7 when I decided to begin. My
thought was so what if only 3 people made it down… those 3 people were going to
get a hell of a performance! Plus they had never seen me before so there was
the fun of making a powerful impression on them.
I took one last look down Allen to see if anyone I knew was
coming and after I couldn’t see any familiar faces I turned my attention back
to the 3 who made it and let my first poem rip. I did “Modern Day Fairy Tale” a
story about how I collect movies very seriously but hardly watch them as I
await the right woman to start watching them with. I jumped into “One Plus None”
my piece about my lifelong battle with isolation, then “The Poet Soul”, my
piece about what poetry means to me. I told them I was only going to do 4-5
pieces but I started to rethink that because as I was doing the 2nd
piece a few men came over and sat on the curb and then during the 3rd
piece two couples, one older and one younger came over and started to develop a
nice little half circle with the 3 people who were there from the beginning. As
I began my 4th piece “Newtown” a few more people came by and stopped
and when I began my 5th and so called final piece “Home” I looked up
to see a few more people were there as well as a few people listening from over
at the Bend’s front mini-patio.
Now that there was about a dozen people, and mostly
strangers taking in my words I decided to do one more piece. I got into “The
Angry Poet” and at the end got a hug from one of the guys looking on. At the
end of every piece I could even hear Lindsey behind the counter inside clapping
as loud as any of the onlookers. I just had to do one more piece. I had planned
to do 7 anyway, so I did the tale of unrequited love and friendship “For Her”
and then ended to a very warm response. I made sure to let everyone know about
my 2 remaining shows during the rest of the Infringement Festival. Many of the
onlookers approached me afterwards to tell me how much they enjoyed my work. The
young couple came over and the young female told me she had seen me before at a
poetry slam at Merge 2 months prior and that she really loved my piece
about my music history. That was the night I won the slam for the first time and did my
biological music piece “I Like Everything” as an encore. I thanked her
sincerely and mentioned how I was going to do that piece Tuesday night.
I thanked everyone for listening. I went back in and thanked
Lindsey again for allowing me (and the Infringement festival) to perform in
front of his place and he asked me to come back and read for some weekly Thursday
night series which is starting after Infringement in August. It was truly a
night of surprises. My emotions were all over place but I didn’t let the bad
ones take control of me. I stayed the course and had a very lovely time despite
the inauspicious start to it. It goes to show you the power of words. It shows
me the power of my words and of course it shows the power and unpredictability
of the Infringement Festival.
Tomorrow (Tuesday) night I’m expecting a bigger crowd
because I am performing with other poets who have their own sets of friends and
fans and because it has been better promoted than my first show was (again a
testament to the other people involved). The show is at 1045 Elmwood, right next to Poster Art and Bird Ave. The poetry begins at 7 and I wrap up
the show at 8. I hope to see you there.
